I have been thinking lately about how many of us try to adopt an attitude of “don’t give a fuck-ness”. I have thought that if we can reach a level of not caring what other people think of us, that this is healthy and shows self-esteem. I’m questioning it. (Prepare for stream of consciousness, abstract thought, that will most likely be in need of some tidy up later).
Our self-esteem, whether we like it or not was developed by the way our parents interacted with us. We are born helpless little creatures (full of bliss and joy), whose very survival depended upon other people. As infants we didn’t question if we were worthy of food or cuddles. We weren’t born questioning or doubting our ability to have our needs met or accomplish things. As we begin to get older, yet still completely dependent on others for our survival, that’s when things get fucked. Parents, often unaware of their own behaviors or real underlying reasons for those behaviors, accidentally teach us we are only “worthy” of things and love if we conform to how they want us to “be” in the world. They conditioned us for various ways of “being” through reward or punishment. In unhealthy situations, this often violates our personal boundaries or creates a situation where we weren’t allowed to have any boundaries at all. Disapproval that shows up as abandonment or abuse when you are a child can threaten your very existence and survival. Your immature mind knows it could mean literal death, so in adulthood we still feel an intense panic about it. No matter how healthy or unhealthy our parents were, we are conditioned to seek their approval. That becomes our perception of reality. And that’s usually where our self-esteem gets tied to the wrong things.
Not caring what other people think is a “disconnect” of sorts…I mean we are all here together experiencing this thing called “life” together and whether we like it or not, we are interdependent to some degree. To decide not to care and disconnect feels wrong to me deep down…it’s almost like deciding to be narcissistic in some way…cutting yourself off from the flow of life. If someone is giving us approval, we are on board with that and think “Yeah, they really see me for who I am”. If someone is disapproving, critical or withholds love and affection, we feel broken, hurt, and unworthy. This makes us want to say, “They don’t understand me – therefore I will decide not to care”. It’s reacting to disapproval of us with another disapproval of someone else (which is actually kind of fucked up). It’s more of a coping mechanism than a healthy life strategy, don’t you think?
Love and “belonging” feels more important actually than shelter or safety. We will risk shelter and safety to have it – or even commit suicide if it feels bad enough. Could Maslow’s hierarchy of needs be wrong?
I’m quite certain we all have at least one person in our life whose opinion of us really does matter to us. So, if you acknowledge it does matter what other people think about you and you decide not to disconnect, but try to approach things in a healthy and loving way (to yourself and others) …what does that look like?
Well, I think it might be an opportunity for self-awareness and growth… But we shouldn’t let someone else’s opinion be our entire self-concept. I think the first step might be to acknowledge that it feels “personal” and may hurt. Validate the feeling. (Validation is confirmation something is logically or factually sound – not if it’s right or wrong). Validate or recognize your feelings and thoughts are true to you regardless of if it makes sense or is logical to anyone else… it’s truthful and real for you. If your parents and their lack of self-awareness did not validate your feelings and thoughts appropriately when you were growing up, it is now up to us to do it for ourselves. And we can do it for those around us… It is acknowledging that the person feels what they feel or thinks what they think. Each person is allowed to their own “truth”. It exists for the feeler or thinker whether we feel it or think it or not.
If someone else’s truth makes you feel hurt, there is already a sore or wound from your past that needs to be healed or analyzed. Until it’s healed, we will continue to attract people and situations that cause us to finally look at it. Shame, embarrassment, abandonment, etc. are the feelings of unworthiness and can be tracked back to the origin. Once you figure out why it triggers you, you can acknowledge and heal those old hurts and you won’t feel that way anymore. Instead of avoiding disapproval – we need to become okay with being disapproved of. We need to be willing to feel the pain of it…and unconditionally sit with the feelings. You can shift your attention from what someone said or did and instead focus on how you feel, so you can figure out why. The why is key – and it’s your issue and your responsibility to deal with it – not anyone else’s. Trust yourself to be willing to face these emotions and live through it.
I think also we need to be clear on what aspects of ourselves that we personally approve of – deep in our core… (not what someone else approves of) for a semi-solid foundation of “who” we are. Then we can come from a more emotionally strong place to analyze the other crap. If you can find the positive intention behind why you have let what someone said about you or thought about you make you feel hurt… How does it serve you? Keeps you feeling included, not alone, worthy, lovable… you can reach for understanding. I know it seems to not make sense – but there is always a positive intention somewhere that when the link of “how it’s connected” to your self-esteem is healed, will bring about something good.
Love yourself enough to not take what others think to a point of spiraling into the abyss of negativity and self-doubt… try to see it through the eyes of an “observer” if you have to. Maybe the story you are telling yourself is flawed? (Maybe you aren’t unlovable, etc.) Find out what your needs really are and try to meet them. How much of what is appearing to be disapproval (or abandonment) is just self-reflection of what you are thinking and not even their true thoughts? Most of the time we don’t even really know what someone’s true thoughts are…we just assume we know or make it up to fit our flawed story of what reality is.
We should think about and try to understand how it relates to us and the other person…is there any truth behind what they said? Are there any useful aspects to the criticism? Is there any awareness to be gained? Why are they saying or thinking those things? Consider their point of view…what needs do they have that are not met and coming out as criticism of you? What disrespectful feeling actions are they taking because they have an unmet need? We all have these “little child” versions of ourselves inside that are acting out in some way to have our needs met. Acknowledging this is one way of understanding why people do the things they do and helping us to grown in our own ability to have compassion.
I think it’s important to let the thoughts and feelings settle for a moment before reacting or “fighting back” with criticism of our own of them. Like when you walk through a tide pool and all the silt gets disturbed and you can’t see what’s in there…wait a moment. Let things settle so you can see clearly. Relax a moment… maybe get clarification…then share how it makes you feel… work toward a meeting of the minds and deeper understanding. (If the person in your life is just fucking with you and continually trying to control or manipulate you, belittle or devalue you– this is abuse and you need to rethink if you want to be in relationship with them.) I think it’s important to place yourself in a position of non-judgement…their thought or feeling – or yours, is not “right” or “wrong” and in need of convincing one way or another. It just “is”. (I’d rather be happy than “right” anyway)
Meet your own needs –- take a moment to ask yourself…what do I need right now? Often, left unchecked, when we feel disapproved of or abandoned by someone, we react by doing it to ourselves even more…we hurt ourselves worse, deprive ourselves, reject ourselves, add a bunch of unwarranted negativity and just make it worse. Maybe just take a little time to do the things for ourselves that make us feel relief on a physical, mental and emotional level. Take a walk…connect with nature and ground ourselves, journal – whatever soothes you. Give yourself some self-validation…it is okay to feel hurt. We can’t control others, but we can approach ourselves differently.
If you take a little time to trace the origin of the unmet need, validate your feelings about it and find a healthy way to meet that need, then things won’t hurt us as badly and we will react less. We will “care” what others think but approach it and respond to it differently and not allow it to cause an uncontrolled spiral nosedive into despair. If we all consciously learn to do this, then maybe society as a whole experiences more healing? And love? And we contribute to the elevation of the collective consciousness?
Maybe.
a little bit of everything... 
Interesting perspectives mate
I truly don’t give a fuck what others think of me I don’t have assumed perception that emotional responses and feelings Complex should ever outweigh fact or logic. I need to look for validity through socialism or seen by others.
How you feel or the way it makes you feel … doesn’t make it magically disappear.
I will share Russian Proverb with you : Those that are not wolves are eaten by wolves ”
Would you consider yourself hero or Villain and why or why not
luas dia I do thruas
Primal R.e.p.r
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“How you feel or the way it makes you feel … doesn’t make it magically disappear.” – this is true, but in the acknowledging, there is the first step of healing. I have always disliked the way remembering the ways in which I was abused because it hurts…on a deep, soul level. But we have to feel the feelings again to begin healing. To acknowledge that wrongs were done, that were not our fault and try to begin seeing the things from a different perspective – as an observer. Even the worst things in life we can learn something from or make us the stronger and more conscious version of ourselves.
I am neither a hero nor a villain. I can be aspects of either. I had to save myself (as did you), and had to be my own hero. I may do things others might construe as “heroic” at times, but I am just being myself – I am not looking for approval from anyone other than myself and my own soul. The villain side of things can show it’s ugly head when you don’t choose to live consciously. I am aware I could have repeated bad patterns from my childhood and express myself as a villain, I have chosen not to. If I catch myself doing something in an un-loving way (villainous), I stop and make a better choice. I don’t want to perpetuate the negative aspects in myself or the world. We are just physical expressions of the divine and can choose to express ourselves through many types of archetypes. Who are you Alex? A hero or a villain?
The proverb, “Those that are not wolves are eaten by wolves”. I feel this, I relate to this. Particularly in business. I have had to be a “wolf” in business to survive and thrive in a predominately male industry. I have been a “wolf” to protect my own children. I don’t let wolves close to me anymore and only revert back to that stance when I absolutely have to. That is the reality of a 3-D world. I try to be more of an observer and not down in the messiness of that. I endeavor to evolve past that 3-D only vision. The soul has chosen to be here to learn and we are all one on the spirit level.
I do not know what “luas dia I do thruas” means. I tried to google it… what does it mean?
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I invite you to read My Story but give you fair warning it is very surreal and unspeakable.
If it is too uncomfortable for you I understand
https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2019/11/28/my-story
If I was any less of having to molded myself into what I needed to instead of being emotional responses sensitive kid there is no fucking way I would be alive here and now.
And I am because of ME period
luas dia I do thruas-means God be with you in your journey
Primal R.e.p.r
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I’m sorry for what you had to go through. No child should ever have to be unsafe. A mother’s arms are supposed to be a kind and loving soft spot to land. I am so sorry you didn’t have that. I understand your pain. I had a similar situation – but my abuser was my step-father. There were things done that I can never talk about. When we are abused, we do rely on ourselves to survive – we do what we have to do to make it out into adulthood alive. I very much expected to be killed and remember being surprised when I turned 20 because I never expected to live that long. You are right – an abused child molds themselves and cut themselves off from emotion. I don’t know your age now, but it is never too late to take some time to sit with your inner child – the one who deserved love and safety unconditionally – and love them…make them feel safe. What happened was not their fault. You can heal yourself from the deep psychological pain of having not been safe and treated in a loving and kind way…it takes time and intention (and sometimes a good therapist to help). I wish you much love and healing…
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Interesting so you don’t see yourself as neither so then your Switzerland lol
Reason I say I m the Villain through and through because I am real and full of flaws have many demons.
I will never try to be something I am not and you look at those characters I pointed out in that segment.
All have ill will and full of dark cruelty especially Wolverine always raging a eternal war human trying to tame wild animal
And you see his rage had loaded consequences.
Joker never try to fit in or blend to want accpetance he through limitations of sanity out the window as he says ” Madness is like gravity all it needs is a little push” Joker
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I guess I choose to see the possibilities and choose love. I could have allowed the things in my childhood to make me a villain – but I choose not to. In my interpretation, the “villain” is a bad guy…the one who hurts others (often times because they were hurt or abused). We all have flaws and demons. I cannot allow what was done to me make me a cruel person. When my trauma response is triggered, I most often turn it inward rather than outward. When I feel it turned inward, I have to stop and analyze what is going on and figure out how to heal that. (The inward trauma response made me think about suicide from age 13 on…) You do have to be yourself in life…I choose to heal what I can (it’s always an on-going process) and do my best. I think I made that decision when I knew I was expecting my first child – I immediately thought “Fuck – I need to figure out what a good parent is supposed to do…I don’t want to hurt this child or mess them up…I can’t just do what my parents did and not consciously make better choices.” So I hope “Villain” is just translated incorrectly and you are not one. The villain does not feel better by hurting others.
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Being Villain is not so black n white like many ppl think it is and more times than not , deeper shades of Grey.
When refer to Villain not in sense of Nemesis but the fact they don’t deny or try be something they are not …unlike the Hero
So is the hero really the good guy everyone wants to see them without flaws ?
Or are they masquerading the dark intentions and have many flaws just like the Villain
Because to me Heroes are mirage spectacle others want them to see them in shining light
I m not hero never will be because I am Real !!! Full of many flaws and I am damaged goods that has been shattered and broken but I refuse to ever bow out of the Storm until my last breath ceased no more then …I SAY I FUCKING DONE
In My Story I talk about my father choose not to protect me and I was result of collateral damage
That is something he needs to fucking own and hold himself to Accountability knowing he could’ve protected me and didn’t
All for the sake of his career in Military
I am mid to late 30’s FYI
Slainte
Alex
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You were abandoned by your father – emotionally and physically. That was wrong. I’m so sorry you experienced that. I know the abandonment I felt hurt worse and is longer lasting than any physical abuse. We all have flaws. It’s part of being human. Heroes have flaws also…(my favorite fictitious hero is Deadpool). The difference in my mind between a hero and a villain is intention. Do they intend to cause harm or good?
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The things we are subjected too and thrashed into fires of Brimstone forced into unspeakable chaos
You have 2 choices fight with everything you got or become another silent snuffed out victim I knew that there was going to be loaded consequences for my in subordinates and it would come with serious repercussions…
I said to myself FUCK THAT I will fight and never surrender to pure Nemesis
As I talked about everyone seems always think the golden inquiry….” Why didn’t you try to reach out for help”
How do they know I didn’t which I instantly came to fucking regret and that night I was certain I would never see another sunrise again. And that I would be lifeless secret eradicated into Pandora’s sadistic box of Secrets.
Slainte
Primal R.e.p.r
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You have 3 choices – fight back – flee – or give in. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to fight back (I was a child), I was told if I ever left not to come back and I couldn’t imagine how I could survive on my own, so I tried to be invisible and detach from myself to survive. When I was 16, I left. When you are in an abusive situation, 99.9% of the time you can’t “reach out for help” because the chance of backfire is too great. I knew (partly because I was told and partly because I saw how well my step-father manipulated people and situations) I would not be believed or protected. He was more powerful than any potential safety net society might think I had – school couldn’t help, police couldn’t help…the police were called by neighbors so many times when I was a child – for so many reasons most would never understand – on the rare occasion an officer would actually ask me a question, I lied to protect my abuser. I had to. Anyone who ever blames the victim by asking “what did you do to reach out for help” doesn’t understand and needs to shut the fuck up. You survived. So did I. Now the question is…what can we do to make the world a better place?
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Absolutely
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Not one size fits all some told me about EMDR again not one size fits all, and I was told by Therapist that I never should let anyone try it on me again as I am too unstable.
Also gave CBD a go yeah right just made things even fucking worse to the point I caught myself trying embed a fork into my forearm just to numb Goddam agonizing torment.
I find through my writing and lacing lyrics has helped me cipher and process deeper correlation to understanding my unspeakable affliction.
And exactly anyone says why didn’t you ask for help ? ” has no fucking idea what the fuck they’re talking about and could never comprehend what being inside the belly of Brimstone is like to live in.
Many see the smile as act of joy for many of us it’s a mask masquerading the burning torment deep within Yoga Girl
You know what is also fucked up as I am survivor of sexual abuse as well is… my abuser who did that to me saw me more as human being than (IT) ever did it’s like I was eroding infectious disease that needed to be eradicated from earth because of the rage that was projected at me.
Because who I reminded (IT) about so much how was it on me or why should’ve been made to be subjected to such pure Nemesis
So they could have play time
They thought they would fucking break me discard me like wicked transgressions I maybe damaged anyone had to endured the barbaric existence I did …NO FUCKING WAY you would come away unscathed have your mind shattered into fragments.
Like you said there were those that knew no way they didn’t that is utter bullshit.
Chose to looked the other way when reached out for help desperation I honestly thought if they believed my mate surely they would me ?
What crude awakening to reality that fucking was if I could’ve re-thought that definitely would’ve thought fucking twice.
Let me ask are they things that trigger You like smells, objects , ppl ?
For me cannot stand smell or those have it around anything with black licorice FUCK THAT!!!!
Also someone taking their nails across a chalkboard reminds me when I would hear the knife scrapping against quarry in Basement of Secrets and Also in the Cellar of Death soul less lifeless abyss that smelled of decay fucking bodies.
Cellar of Death is something that has come to me recently through episode you violent fucked up night terrors.
I had not seen or remembered this before must had locked it deep away
I know that more layers you peel back like an onion Raw and open it’s going to be.
I enjoy hearing your testament knowing I am not alone to lash out in silent terror thank you also for your words of inspiration and Conviction.
luas dia I do thruas Yoga Girl
Primal R.e.p.r
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Abused, abandoned, neglected children are like a flashing beacon for sexual predators. Happened to me as well. Again, not our fault…jus another type of shark.
The one time I told a therapist in high school just one little tiny piece of what was going on in my world – thinking they couldn’t tell anyone – it blew up in my face in a big way – and it wasn’t even most of it! I was quite certain I would be come a “missing person” after that and be dead somewhere…I did my best to be invisible until that blew over…
What most often triggers me is certain words or phrases and some music that was popular back then…or a tone of voice. I won’t say what the phrases are because it would immediately cause a big reaction in me…trying to avoid a little reaction right now just thinking about the words… I have spent time trying to become comfortable and attach new meanings to some of them. I have healed quite a lot. It has been a lot of work and taken decades. What I have noticed though, is the experience of that kind of childhood makes you very sensitive to energy of places and people and you can read people better than others (you had to develop those skills as part of survival). So I try to find ways to use those heightened abilities to help others.
I wish you inner peace and healing my dear Alex…I’m here – reach out if you ever need to discuss…
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Yes absolutely I can know who is threat to me or not within mins walking into area.
I am proud of you for overcoming so much and how hard it was to find your own solid ground is something no amount of money could ever come close to.
I also used music as means for experssionism and visual fragments to help reveal the story. I welcome you to check some out anytme you would like to Yoga Girl.
Here is few I will link you
https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2021/07/05/mapping-stars-through-the-fires
https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2021/01/18/venom-in-my-eyes
https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2021/02/22/hidden-within-the-shadows
let me know your thoughts
Slainte
Alex
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And I say this to everyone thinks healing can take place how if I have no scars that mended but open wounds ? Some wounds never close just the salt soaks deeper into scorched tissue ” Primal R.e.p.r
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Yes, open wounds are an appropriate metaphor. Sometimes a good therapist can assist in healing…they can’t do the work for us, but can help us point our minds in the right direction. Acknowledging that it happened, that it wasn’t your fault and is wasn’t fair are appropriate first steps. Imagining that you are taking your little child self into your safe and loving adult arms…reminding the little version of yourself that you will not be scared away by their pain or fear or anger…they are safe now…that is another step. Comfort yourself to begin the closing of the open wound…there is no magic bullet or fast remedy. Love yourself enough to find things that bring you comfort, then happiness and eventually joy. You are absolutely justified in your feelings of anger and sadness – you…a precious little piece of the divine – were treated badly, horribly, and horrifically. It is not okay.
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https://traumasuperconference.com/
Free conference next month on-line about resolving trauma.
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