No Thank You

I got a text in the middle of the night last night from someone I dated for a minute in 2018. It got me thinking about “attraction” with regard to relationships. I have not responded, and honestly I most likely will not…he texted me a few months ago on my birthday (we have the same birthday is why he remembers) and instead of texting back, I just wished him a Happy Birthday on his Facebook – I didn’t want to open the door to any real communication.

If you read my old blog, he was one of the guys that lives on an Island that I was seeing the same time as poly Paul. He and I used to have hours long in-depth conversations about spirituality and “life”. We have a brief but intense relationship. I broke up with him 5 times in 8 weeks. “C.” was an alcoholic narcissist. We had planned to go to France together. I renewed my passport and immediately enrolled in French classes so I wouldn’t be one of those “dumb Americans” traveling abroad with no respect for other people’s language or culture. He wanted to show me his favorite place – Nice…then gamble in Monte Carlo. We had planned to leave October 15^th of that year, but I broke up with him for the last time in September. He then proceeded to take another woman to France and text me pictures the entire time…with words like “This was supposed to be you” and “This is what you are missing”. (What an asshole – right? or is it just me that thinks that?)

When he returned to the states, I texted him that I would like to talk to him. We spoke and I told him that I owed him an apology… I realized the “on and off” of our relationship was not his fault, it was mine. (He was relieved and dumbfounded at the same time). I explained that I realized I was breaking up with him because I had things from my childhood he unknowingly triggered…almost daily. Not his fault…I own my own shit…my problem to work on, and I am sincerely sorry if all my breaking up with him hurt him or injured him in any way. It was not my intention. He said he sincerely appreciated my acknowledging that and it was helpful to him. He asked about who I was seeing now…did I want to re-connect with him…blah blah blah…I explained that although I was in a triad with Paul and Liz for a few months after we broke up, I have decided I am not in the right place to date. I’m swimming in a sea of grief trying to get my bearings even though it’s been more than a year since Robert died and I am not in a good energetic place, so I am attracting people and situations that trigger other old shit I need to clean up and I can’t do it all at the same time. He understood and I reassured him if he ever really needed me as a shoulder or to listen to whatever he was struggling with, he knows where I am. (Peace out)

In 2020 he texted in the middle of the night and was not in a good place. I called him…walked him through his feelings…reminded him everything is temporary…why his sobriety is important…found out he was living with the woman he took to France and encouraged him he needed to be having these types of conversations with her…maybe I am not his life ring – she should be. He said he knew I wrote a book about deciding to be happy and he bought it…He wondered about my dating life…nope – not dating and no plans to – I need to get my shit straight before being out there in the world.

I sense from the playful way he texted last night, he is not in emotional spinout and in need of some sort of “rescue”. Maybe he and Dawn broke up and he wants to re-open the door with me. No, Thank you. I only move forward. I have already processed the way alcoholism and narcissism affected me in childhood and how I choose to move forward now in regard to those traumas as a full-grown conscious adult. No desire to attract that sort of relationship. No replays needed. (Now I’m working on something else – LOL)

So…what does an evolved, conscious, kind, woman do? I don’t know yet.

I will think about it between my all day appointments – and the Woman’s March for Reproductive Rights I have squeezed in between two of them, and get back to you…

[Update: sometimes no response IS the right response…]