I am so relaxed and happy today. Feeling completely satisfied…all needs met…blissfully serene, and had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in weeks. Nothing to complain about…so just sharing random thoughts (and in keeping with the title of this blog… just a little bit of everything).
This blog is not only a personal therapeutic diary, but sometimes a conversation…I guess since I don’t have someone at this point in my life to share random thoughts and observations with, you – my reader, are elected. (Aren’t you just so lucky? LOL) I started blogging in about 1997. My reasons I have shared before, but mainly because I needed an outlet to share the crazy that was going on in my world trying to parent three children, run two businesses, and be a wife… and sift and sort thoughts and feelings. TGIM (the guy I married) was never an appropriate person to share anything with…sad, but true…every time I tried it ended with me feeling bad and being told how just wrong, broken, and terrible I was. Blogging probably saved my life (she said, being overly dramatic). Writing in a journal was no longer something I could do – TGIM would read and criticize and tell me what a waste of time it was. By typing a blog, I could journal again because TGIM was incapable of figuring out how to navigate around in the computer – LOL. Until I have a regular person who wishes to be the recipient of my daily meandering thoughts again…you are stuck with me.
I can’t believe it, but I was at the dentist for 2 ½ hours this morning and it did not phase me…that’s how blissful I am today! I am used to be terrified of the dentist. I was told I have genetically bad teeth from my bio dad’s side of the family. I don’t know for sure…didn’t know him or them really. (My children have perfect teeth) I didn’t have dental care most of my childhood. Somewhere around the age of 14, I was grinding my teeth a lot and making them hurt, so my parents decided they would use the excellent dental coverage provided by my stepfather’s employer and send me to the dentist with instructions to “fix anything that needed fixing”. It started out normal enough, a couple visits after school, then I am pretty sure the dentist decided he had pretty much an open checkbook and decided to fill every tooth…and so many visits. It evolved into afterhours visits instead of after school – I don’t know why except there was a time pressure since my stepdad was about to change employers…everyone else was gone except the dentist…and I remember things got kind of weird. The Novocain started making me unable to move, unable to speak and unable to remember. After the appointments my mom would pick me up and I could barely get myself into the car and I couldn’t really speak – I would get super nauseous and have to go immediately to sleep. Sometimes I still felt crappy the next morning. When all my teeth were filled (with mercury fillings for fuck sake – that would all need to be replaced later), I didn’t have to go back for a long time. The next dentist I had to see 4 or 5 years later told me I must be allergic to the preservatives in the Novocain to have that sort of reaction, and he would use one without preservatives. I have since been told Novocain does not have preservatives – ever. Go figure. Anyway, the dentist has always meant extreme trauma to me, and I have avoided it as much as possible until my partner convinced me to go regularly, get cleanings, etc. – he was willing to sit with me there and hold my hand the first few times – and now I have a woman dentist who is very trustworthy and never complains if I would like something explained in a scientific way. So today’s visit, I was there relaxed…remembering what it feels like to be wrapped up in the energy of sexy Daddy’s arms…all safe and sound…I even fell asleep for a minute – LOL. I’ve come so far.
After the dentist, I met a friend to drop off my dog. For years my dog has had a relationship with another couple. (Yes, my dog is ENM – LOL) This couple used to spend a lot of time with me and my partner at our house. The four of us had great communication and energy and friendship…a synergy. They have known my dog since she was a baby. They love her. She loves them too. She snuggles and hugs them the way she does me. I still like them. They still like me. It’s just not the same without Robert. There is no synergy. We’ve tried hanging out or doing stuff together, but there is such a big empty spot…the circle is broken (and that is really okay). Every time we try, we just end up talking about him and his death and everybody being sad. This happens with death or divorce…and it really is okay. But they still need time with my dog – so every couple of months, she goes on loan to spend time with them. She is 7 now…wonder if they should get their own dog…when she almost died (thanks to Seresto and their dangerously toxic flea collar), they were as upset and distraught as I was…I guess she belongs to them too. Maybe we should share raw food costs and vet bills?…nah just kidding.
Next thing on my mind…music. For me, music gets tied to a particular stage of life…a specific time. I will binge listen to something, certain songs or a particular artist, for a period of time…that’s just how I roll – LOL. Play me a song and I can tell you how old I was when I used to listen to it and what was going on in my world. Then there are other songs or artists that just transcend any one period of life…they are classics and appreciated any time. This last summer was my binge listen time frame for Two Feet, KALEO, Marion Hill and Dennis Lloyd. I’m ready for the next season. I don’t know what artist yet…I haven’t found them. In the meantime I just keep listening to some of my favorites of Marion’s and Dennis’s work. Marion Hill – my favorite songs of hers feel almost “improv-ish” with a hint of jazz and riffing…which is in tune with my recent shift mentally and emotionally. Waiting for inspiration of where to find the next artist to binge listen to. Maybe I will wait for awhile with the classic Van Morrison …
This morning I was inspired to pick up my tarot cards. I was going to pull two or three cards just to see what the Universe had to say to me today. While shuffling three fell out, face down on the floor. Okay…sure…I will go ahead and take those I guess…if you insist. They were Temperance (a common one for me lately – LOL), The World (another common one for me lately), and the 10 of Pentacles. (None of them in reverse) I will take it. That’s a beautiful message.
Halloween. I don’t really like it. Everyone is putting out decorations now…I don’t resonate with Halloween. I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t even watch the news – it’s too scary (I read the NY Times, lest you think I am completely ignorant…and my children have all agreed to text me if something is going on requiring my immediate attention). There was a time in my life when I was a teenager when I was okay with it. I would watch all the scary movies in a very intentional “You can’t scare me because I’ve already lived through real life scary shit, and I will look it all in the eye and laugh” sort of way. But I was also considering being Wiccan at the time (which has absolutely nothing to do with Halloween except children’s costumes bringing up the issue) and dabbling in occult – all aspects light and dark things. Again, in hopes of coming to terms with darkness I believe. Anyway…Halloween does not feel loving…or even cute. I was not allowed to Trick or Treat as a child – it was “begging” and it involved sugar which I was not allowed to have really (didn’t match up to the whole wheat/peanut butter/alfalfa sprout sandwich life my hippie parents made believe we lived in). Well, I guess the positive side is it will be one step closer to Thanksgiving and Christmas – which are two holidays that although I have mixed history with, feel much more loving and positive to me.
That’s it…I’m done – carry on with your day.
a little bit of everything... 