I have issues…I know this. I am working on them. Some days are better than others. They are deep and dark…LOL The one that keeps popping up is abandonment. I have this reflex now…push people away before they can leave me (sometimes for real – sometimes just in my head). Then I go really quiet and suffer alone. I wrestle with the demons of insecurity and worthiness. I was listening to a podcast about it tonight, trying to find a band-aid to feel better.
One thing they suggested is to make a list of “needs” that were not met when you were a child, so you can look at it and face it head on to meet your own needs. Here are the ones that immediately came to mind: Food, Shelter, Safety, Love, Respect, Boundaries –physical and emotional, Affection, To matter, Stability, Comfort, Connection, Security, Choice, Fun and joy, Trust, Nurturing, Compassion, Reassurance, Closeness, Emotional availability, and Protection.
I look at this list and think “Fuck…I am a mess. How could I have even been trusted to raise children? You are fucked up.” This is not new news to me – I am fully aware I was not given things every living thing needs. I intentionally tried to overcompensate for my kids. I of course now provide my own shelter and physical safety and food (although I may have a fully stocked pantry and still not eat…). I am continually refining what it is to have boundaries and create them. I search for fun and joy to give myself. And I try to give others what I need…nurturing, compassion, love, closeness, emotional availability, affection…because I know what it’s like not to have those things.
When it comes to dealing with people, I still have to make a conscious choice not to go into fight or flight mode when my abandonment panic mode sets in. I just need an irrational amount of reassurance until I feel secure in an interpersonal relationship. It sucks. It’s unreasonable. It feels so much better to take the stance of “I don’t give a fuck what you think of me”, but really I don’t want to have that attitude…I just want to feel safe.
It’s this never-ending cycle I keep thinking I have overcome and handled…then it comes back. Ugh. I’m tired of it. Logically I know what I need to let go of, and I do make conscious choices to heal old crap…it just takes so long. (I was very high and mighty about it not very many days ago too…) Three steps forward, two steps back. It’s so unattractive and exhausting it makes me want to abandon me too…but everywhere I go, there I am.
The other day I mentioned how I have disconnected with myself to deal with the world and disconnected from the world to deal with myself. I failed to mention the third place…where you disconnect with both at the same time. That is pure abandonment….haven’t been here in a minute… I’m inching myself back into myself…it will be okay. And no, I don’t ever ask my friends or loved ones to help me…I was taught it’s not okay to need help (that just sends people away more) – you must only rely on yourself. Tomorrow will be better. Maybe.