This morning I am thinking about orgasms. It’s kind of a touchy subject (no pun intended) and I suspect most people are kind of uncomfortable talking about it. It almost seems to me that the moments of orgasm are the closest you can get to the energy of the divine (blissful love energy that creates the Universe) without being dead. Plus, it releases all these cool endorphins in your body that help with stress, feelings of happiness, and just plain make your body and mind feel good. Orgasm is really just an intense build up and release of energy (sometimes released outward, sometimes inward). When you are in a state of “energy union” with someone else while orgasming, the energy is magnified making it even more awesome.
(About to share way too much here for a moment – my apologies…) When I got married, I did know how to make myself have an orgasm (thank goodness). I also had an understanding of how to make my husband have one. The weird thing is we never achieved a place of energetic union… he did not care if I had an orgasm or not, had no desire to learn how to help me have one with him, had a lot of repressed feelings and shame about sex, refused to open his mind about any aspect of sex or sexuality to learn and grow, and spent a lot of time shaming me for my sex drive and kinky proclivities. When I left him, he even held my vibrator hostage (LOL), as if I somehow could not procure another one and I would have to come back home. One night during our separation, he arrived at my doorstep with my vibrator and an invitation for sex…I appreciated his willingness and thought I would see if there was any real change in openness and with the warning him that although I was interested in having sex, it did not mean I was returning to the relationship and if that was going to happen there would have to be a lot of conversation and commitment to change on a lot of things. For so many reasons that night was not a turning point toward resuming our marriage, but it did in some ways create a friendship between us – which was good for our children. He had to see me as a separate and independent person, capable of choosing her own life, but also capable of holding his thoughts and feelings in a safe and respectful place.
The last 12 years I have learned more about sex, sexuality, sensuality, and relationships than I ever knew or dreamed was possible. I have grown in ways I never anticipated. I have become a highly orgasmic, very multi-orgasmic person. So much so, I no longer keep track of how many orgasms I have had when having sex with someone…it’s now just many…too many to keep track of. I have learned to not worry (most of the time) about how my body looks to someone or what kind of crazy sounds I might make, but just be fully present in that moment, in the sensations. Liberation to the full extent of the word. There are so many types of orgasms too…all of them amazing…and when combined with a good partner creating an energy union to further intensify them…well – there are no words. Crazy as it sounds, I can even sometimes orgasm without any touch involved (I know…it even blows my own mind). I absolutely love it when I’m with a man who knows he can also have multi-orgasmic pleasure as well and that I can fully let my guard down with, because I trust them.
Sexual energy is creative energy. It creates life during reproductive years, but what if it fuels our creativity as well? What if the energy of orgasm could be harnessed in some way toward creation of other things? These are not complete thoughts yet…I will need to sit with them longer.
The thing I am working on today is the ebb of the endorphin rush. If you have sex with someone and it isn’t a huge energy meld and too many orgasms to count, then the endorphin rush is there – but manageable. You feel good but you don’t have a huge drop because the high wasn’t as high (if that makes sense). When you have an amazing energy exchange the endorphins are so fucking high, when they start to decline you feel a crash (aka “sub-drop”). I think I am getting better at handling this…I recognize it for what it is…just a chemical thing…not the end of the world. Ebb after big surge…like the ocean…that’s all. But it does call for some extra kindness – especially when you aren’t in a traditional “relationship” and can’t just go ask the person for a reassuring hug or cuddle… so today I need to be kind to myself. I will take the day off, get on the exercise bike (even though I still don’t see the changes I’m looking for), do some yoga, take a bubble bath, nourish myself with some kind of comforting but healthy food, maybe binge watch some Billions (I realized I somehow missed an entire season and it’s one of my favorites…I do love me a good alpha male…), maybe have a couple “therapeutic” orgasms to balance chemicals…and maybe try to figure out how sexual energy could possibly be channeled into creation of some other kind…
(Side thought…its a really good thing I don’t share my bed with anyone right now…its full of books, a laptop, granola bits from breakfast, a ziplock of home made cookies, and a woman who is just plain weird)