Get out of your own fucking way…

This morning I was still in a bad place…fully disconnected from myself and the world. I got a text from my youngest daughter about coffee creamer and pest control. I replied with “No worries”. She immediately came back with “What’s wrong?” Fuck…she can feel it. We haven’t even seen each other yet today and she knows something is “off”. Yes, we live in the same house but text each other. We are in different parts of the house and prefer not to yell or invade each other’s space.

We had a really cool face to face conversation the other day before the endorphin ebb about ENM and poly life. Yes, precious girl, I have been there…done it…understand it…and completely 100% support you and your girlfriend in whatever you want or need to bring you happiness and health. And yes, your mom is and has been a sexual being. I was so happy to be able to be so open with her and give her unconditional, non-judgmental love and support.

Rather than text her “I’m a shaking, heart racing, panicked mess because I have lost myself again” because well it’s way too early in the day for burdening someone like that – besides I hate to ever burden others with where I’m at…it’s scary. So, I texted, “I’m fine. Time and client pressures this morning.” She replied “ok”…she doesn’t buy it, but that’s okay.

Next, I got a text from Mr. Positivity. He has fucking radar too. I randomly get texts from him. He was the guy in my other blog who is the tactical guy, full of positivity, with an absolutely enormous penis, who lives in the woods. Every time he texts, I politely decline…or sometimes just ignore. I don’t really want to explain why I don’t care to see his penis again, and honestly, I’m probably leaving the door open in case I change my mind. Normally when I feel like I do today, I would gratefully engage in random, meaningless sex as a way to reconnect a little bit to my body. Today…eh, no. I have changed. I don’t want a random meaningless penis.

I think “Pull yourself together woman…you have to go to work and be out in the world interacting with other humans”. I decided to do some yoga real quick before work. Yoga never abandons me (although I have it – many times). So there I am…doing my sequences…breathing…connecting to myself a little with each breath and movement…my mind is blank…in a meditative state (yes, I can meditate while moving – I’m weird like that). Midway through a sequence I hear in my mind “Get out of your own fucking way” (yes, my higher self swears sometimes…rare – but it happens). I stop and think “Whhaaat?” I hear “Yeah, why don’t you just get the fuck out of your own way? Relax into joy. You are now in full control of where you go, what you do, and how you feel. So just relax. Feel joy. Be happy.” I think “Yeah. I can do that. If you’re going to put it that way…yes, I can do that.”

So Thank You higher self or Universal consciousness or whomever that was. I feel good. Back to myself. I have traversed another dark night of the soul and come out the other side…and a shorter journey this time. I feel better.

I texted Mr. Positivity back – “I’m sorry, the vagina you are trying to reach is no longer in service. (smoochy face emoji)”. – Sorry dude…I’m different…I’m good. No sex Band-Aid needed. Thank you though.

I have to go to work now (or “get to” go). Once again, I am going to work full of unconditional love and sunshine and will interact with other souls in a kind, loving, compassionate way with good energy.