My thoughts today…
I think all humans need to feel connection with other people. We find things in common to share with people to feel “connected”. I think we crave – at a soul level – really deep connection, but most people keep things on a pretty superficial level. Intimacy is a level of connection. Intimacy isn’t sexual – although you can have intimacy while having sex – or not.
Intimacy is (or can be) a super deep level of connection…somewhere I heard it means “Into me, see”. Intimacy is knowing someone for who they really are and letting them know you for who you really are…you see into them, feel into them, listen into them, be fully present with them, comprehend their internal world and completely and unconditionally accept them. It is to share the reality of who we really are at our core with another person. Fully take them in and to fully give yourself to them also. The foundation of any good relationship – be it with a friend, a child, partner, or anyone is vulnerability and intimacy. Closeness of this depth is our most suppressed and deepest need.
I crave intimacy…it doesn’t mean it doesn’t scare the fuck out of me sometimes…but when it does, I stop to figure out why. Usually, it has to do with fear of being hurt or not accepted in some way or rejected or abandoned. I think a lot of people either don’t know what real intimacy is or are afraid of it. It is fundamental…it is life…or the basis for a good life anyway. That’s why I want a partner… for intimacy. It feels so good to have true intimacy. Once you taste it – you really don’t want anything else.
Why do people avoid it? Fear of lack of acceptance, someone might capitalize on our weaknesses to manipulate or control or judge us…some past trauma – someone left us or hurt us. Maybe our heart is broken by never having been seen, felt, heard, or understood at this level of connection or being left after we felt we might have been felt and understood at this deep level. It also makes us feel vulnerable and that can be really uncomfortable. Maybe shame is the root of the fear of intimacy. Someone in our life has made us feel completely unworthy and invalidated and has not been accepting of who we are at a core level. So out of fear and shame, we push people away before they can reject us. I have done this…I have pushed people away. I have found if you can have the courage to provide a safe moment of the experience of intimacy for others… just give them that safe acceptance and love… it is the same as doing it for your inner child. Intimacy takes courage. You have to feel the fear and move forward anyway in an open and vulnerable way. It truly brings me pleasure to see someone I care about feel good.
When I am at my best self, after yoga and meditation, and coming from a good place, I can be open to everyone I meet. I bring this to work with me…to every interaction throughout the day. To meet people where they are – with an open, loving, non-judgmental heart and see them…appreciate them and allow them to feel love (Just one of the many services I offer – LOL). When I approach people and interact with them with an open and loving heart, they have no idea what exactly I am doing…but they “feel” it. I see things shift in them, they respond to the open loving attitude I bring to the meeting. (Maybe this is why so many people I have only spent 20-30 minutes with feel like hugging me when I get up to leave?) Their happiness is my happiness. I “see” them. I accept them. They have for this moment my undivided attention, energy, and support of who they are at their soul level – even if they just think I am providing a service they have requested (LOL).
I can feel when there is a wall – a blocking of my openness and unconditional acceptance. Sometimes I can dissolve into and through it…if someone will let me. There are times when there is no point presenting myself in this open and loving way…the walls are too thick. That’s okay…then it just becomes more of a cold transactional interchange. Those folks are not open to receiving the extra little gift I bring and that’s okay. When someone wants to be accepting sometimes the first reaction is mistrust, which can soften over a few minutes or in some it just won’t soften at all. That is their own journey…and not my business.
Lack of intimacy makes us feel lonely because we can’t be authentic. We can’t really be authentic unless we have intimacy because we don’t have the needed level of acceptance of who we really are at our core. Loneliness can lead to addiction, depression, and suicide. This level of loneliness has become so pervasive in society, especially now after living with a pandemic…. this collective experience of loneliness is creating the level of despair we are seeing in the world.
As someone who sees it, I have a responsibility to make small healing movements when I can. To heal is to “make whole”. I can’t make people completely “whole”, but by providing energetic baby steps in that direction, it can cause momentum in that healing direction. You, I , all of us – put energy into what we want to create. We can unknowingly create more separation among us by putting up walls, judging, categorizing… we need to be conscious…consciously bring love to the table in every interaction. To love something or someone is to intentionally make it a part of yourself (whether it is for a moment, a month, a year or a lifetime). It’s not that you or your needs don’t exist, but you take another’s needs as important also – as important as your own. Connection, especially intimacy, is the key to creating a kinder and more loving world.
Whatever you don’t like in someone, or whatever makes you feel “triggered”, is something within yourself that you don’t like or needs healing. Do the work… be brave enough to understand yourself and the people you come into contact with… the rewards are enormous. Intentional integration of the aspects of yourself you are uncomfortable with, creates wholeness….healing.
Be the change. Bring all of yourself and accept the “all” of others. Be a game changer.
This is one reason I volunteer. I do my little part wherever I can to connect to others and reassure them in some small way. One of the things I volunteer at or for is “sex positive events”. This includes erotic art festivals – which is the one I am volunteering at this month. The wide array of people that attend these types of events is amazing. People from all walks of life, all genders (or gender identities), all sexual identities with various kinks and level of kinkiness, – all showing up in a little bit of a vulnerable state because they are putting themselves out there a little bit in just coming to the event. I am there…completely accepting of each person – showing unconditional love and acceptance of who they are…whatever that looks like. I am there to vibrationally say “I see you and you are okay…you are accepted. You are loved. I will not push you away…I accept you completely.” (Remember – I am not a saint…doing this for others is doing it for yourself also). Besides…. I love art. I admire people’s ability to convey feeling through things other than words. I wish I had the ability to make beautiful things. I used to sketch…horses, cats and landscapes. I was always disappointed because I couldn’t capture what those things made me feel with charcoal or paint on paper (and that kind of art expression belonged to my mom anyway – not me – “work” for another day…LOL).
Anyway…these are my thoughts today as I drive around meeting with clients with my open and loving heart energy vibrationally accepting and loving them 🙂 .