Today I am thinking about friendship.
There are levels of friendship…from the work peer you would come to the aid of, to someone you have known for a long time and have a shared history with, to someone you would trust with your life. I have once had the privilege of being in love and sharing a life with my best friend…that was super cool…except for once when we were having a serious problem – I remember hysterically crying because I needed to talk to my best friend about the situation, but he was the one I had the problem with so now I was screwed – LOL. We got through it 😊.
Friendship connections are really important to me to feel “well balanced” – especially the really deep ones. The shallow ones are okay, but not really life affirming – they are just pleasant interactions. The deep ones make me a better person – they challenge me to be better, do better – question actions, intentions, motivations – make me grow. They get to the “good stuff” – the deep, good, stuff of life and feel supportive.
Strangely enough (maybe it’s not really strange – but I think it is) my best friendships are always with men. I think it’s because of my personality. I relate better to logical, rational, “male type” thinking and expression of thought. Female friends tend to talk in circles (no offense intended), try to say things without really “saying them”, and tend to make more irrational choices (again – no offense intended).
I spoke with the person I consider to be my current “best” friend yesterday. I met him last February on a dating site – LOL. Kevin is a really good human. And a really good friend. We tried to “date” briefly, which kind of makes me smile because I actually cancelled on him last minute a few times to go meet with someone else instead. Really rude of me I know, but we were able to be open and honest with each other and I was like “I’m sorry, I really need to go meet this guy – he said he deserves a chance before I sleep with you again…and I just feel the need to go” (LOL). I really value who he is and the conversations we’ve had and have…he never tries to feed me any bullshit – he is just open and honest – I always appreciate that in a person. He had the balls to say, “Why don’t you date like a normal person and instead you go meet a stranger at a hotel? And why do you keep going to someone else instead of to me?” LOL – And yeah, I did need to think about that and understand why I do or don’t do what I do!
He is very smart and highly capable. I always appreciate his insight and honesty. We decided to be friends rather than in another relationship with each other for several reasons. He was able to manifest a triad relationship that he really wanted for a long time. He has known the women for a long time, and it was his deepest desire to be in a committed loving relationship with both women – and be able to be 100% transparent and open about it with all involved. I was very supportive of his pursuit of that. Knowing that he was able to bring about what he really and truly wanted made me very happy for him. Seriously – ecstatic and completely supportive of this for him because it makes him happy (sort of along the lines of “compersion”, but even more because he is a deep friend). Inserting myself in this kind of situation in a “romantic” way is not what I want…and would not work. I am overjoyed to have him as a friend and support his relationships.
Also, although he is a wonderful Dom…like an amazingly powerful Dom who is very evolved and in touch with his subs’ needs, honestly – he is not my “flavor” of Dom. If it weren’t for the situation he manifested for himself, we could have made concessions for each other and made it work – out of respect for what each of us brings to the table… but that was not what was meant to be – so not a choice we made. His triad is what is perfect for him, and his friendship is perfect for me. I sincerely love him and his friendship.
My friend is amazing as far as his ability to adeptly juggle life…two women in full time relationship with him as well as part time with each other (and the myriad of issues that causes), while running a complex business with lots of moving parts and employees – and keeping it running during a pandemic, dealing with having a college kid that he is concerned about, emotionally supporting an elderly parent who recently lost their spouse, also dealing with the recent loss of his mom, doing volunteer work involving restoration and preservation of ecological areas as well as a new second job in that area, property development and prep for building a new house, maintaining his current house and land, maintaining and repairing the properties of each of the women he is in relationship with and dealing with the almost comical on-going livestock issues both women have had lately…and he still pursues hobbies and interests, has friends, and reads.
Now THIS man is one busy man! Even though he is busy…really fucking busy…he still checks on me, calls to catch up, and sometimes takes me out to a lunch or dinner to hang out and share our company. I can count on him to always give it to me straight. I don’t always like what I hear, and I may need to talk it through, LOL – but I love him for his honesty, and I can really feel that he cares about what is best for me and I really do care about what is best for him. I also know that if I ever need him, because he is a true friend, he would drop everything to be there for me. I don’t take that lightly…and of course I would never ask it of him unless it were a true emergency, and I had no other option – because I respect his time, relationships and other commitments. I would also drop everything for him if he needed me. I also take care to make sure I don’t ever in anyway interfere with his committed relationships and wanted to make sure they knew we were friends and were okay with it.
It amazes me that he sometimes feels like he isn’t doing enough – isn’t “productive” enough… letting too many things go by the wayside. He does more than most people ever could. It also helps me put things in perspective sometimes. I have a female friend who just struggles and feels overwhelmed with one job and one college aged kid – she’s not even in a relationship – let alone a complex triad! … I’d like to tell her she is making things harder than they have to be (actually I did…because that’s what I do – say shit bluntly and honestly…), but that doesn’t really help someone does it? I guess I can give honest opinion but not be helpful…Sorry – I will work on that. And of course, I have to challenge Kevin on his “need to be perceived as productive” … who is it really for? Why do so many of us tie our “productivity” to our image of self or self-worth?
We all sometimes feel overwhelmed, but how are some able to take on more stuff and feel overwhelmed by it less often? I think it has to do with passion. I can honestly say Kevin is genuinely passionate about everything in his life. Passion gives you energy. When I am living passionately, I have tons of energy and ideas and can’t wait to get out of bed and go do things.
So how do we have “passion”? I think it has to do with making a conscious decision to move in the direction of your joy…not doing a job just to pay the bills – but having one that uses your unique abilities that you can feel some “joy” in doing. Or if you learn how to bring more joy into a job that is really joyless? I think also committing your whole self to what you are doing…whatever it is…be it a hobby, a job, a relationship – going “all in” and bringing all of yourself might help you have passion…Now that I have typed that I am no longer sure if that creates passion or is a byproduct of already having passion. Hmmm… I guess I don’t know. I will need to think on that more. A good friendship can help add to your passion for life – if they are honest, authentic, supportive…it encourages your expression of your passion for things. I will put a pin in this thought…I really would like to figure out how we create passion for life and things we do. I suspect it has to do with being in alignment with our purpose?
I know there are people who consider me their friend. They will call me when they are sad or mad and just generally unhappy. They know I will listen…and help them find the positive in the situation. But I don’t share anything with them (other than my sunny disposition – LOL), so they don’t feel like “friends” to me. There are times when you are breaking off a dating or sexual type of relationship and you say, “let’s be friends”, (like with Kevin) but you never really were friends…you weren’t to that level of genuine intimacy before the “break up” – so how are you going to be friends after? It’s just a way to feel less shitty about transitioning away from something.
In order to really be a “friend”, there has to be an openness… a level of intimacy…a genuine caring and respect and appreciation of who the person really is. Unless you are the kind of person who calls everyone a “friend” but don’t really have depth with anyone…then your definition must be different. Regardless of the label assigned, I think every person is in your life for a reason. Once in a while I like to think about the relationships in my life and mentally list what each relationship did to help me grow or learn something. I think it’s important to see the value in things and take a moment to be thankful. There is something to be thankful for in every relationship we have had.
2 thoughts on “The one about friends~”
“I know there are people who consider me their friend…But I don’t share anything with them…In order to really be a ‘friend’, there has to be an openness… a level of intimacy…”
The truth of this brought tears to my eyes.
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I read about the loss of your friend. I’m sorry. Much love to you.