Beautiful chaos~

I had a really enlightening day. I need to “Kerouac” it out…so hang in there with my stream of consciousness rambling please or move on to better reading if you’d like.

I have realized that ever since I really let go of the grief I was carrying for years over the death of my partner, I have been moving at a crazy warp speed through a whole bunch of things…personal growth and healing, spiritual reawakening and growth…I am a little amazed at how quickly things are happening. I’m a tiny bit regretful I waited so long to let go and let things move forward. But again, must remind myself – there is a reason for things…this must be how it was meant to be. It’s almost as if while I was grieving, I forgot parts of myself that I used to be so in tune with, had stopped paying attention to things I know, and wasn’t able to make some progress on things because I felt so “heavy” … now I am zooming along at an astonishing pace…in hyper drive, yet it feels very “right”.

I have gotten back in touch with so many parts of myself that had been on hold or lost in the heaviness of grief. Lately everyday I have this feeling of “Oh yeah – I know you…where the fuck have you been?”. I’m sure I probably sound a little mentally unstable, but I assure you I am more stable than I have been since Robert’s death. Death of your partner is a really big mind fuck. When you are going through it, you don’t even realize the enormity of the effects until you are through it… you think you are realizing the enormity…dealing with figuring out everything from what bills are due and what the bills are to what will you do with the rest of your life now – but you don’t fully comprehend how much of you just shut down and turned off completely. I am finally starting to feel really “whole” again.

Combine that with speeding through lots of personal growth and healing of old issues (I was not trying to speed through anything, I was prepared to take my time – it just seems to be clicking really fast) … I am almost a different person than I was a month ago. I want to say – “Okay – give me the next issue to tackle, the next demon to slay…bring it on!”. Maybe this would have happened sooner if I hadn’t distracted myself with the misery and weirdness of dating sites and interacting with strangers who don’t always have clear motives? Regardless…the whole dating site debacle period of the year also caused some growth – so whatever…I guess we will put that in the “meant to be” pile also.

A few months ago, I was whining about not knowing who I was or where I was going. I was trying to find the label that says “who I am” – I had complained the old labels weren’t accurate anymore (i.e. not a wife, girlfriend, etc.) even my definition of who I am with regard to work didn’t feel accurate anymore. Today I do know who I am, and I feel a little silly that I forgot for a while… I’m not just my job(s) – I am the light I bring to the job. I’m sure that makes no sense to anyone but me at this point…it’s my essence I bring – clearing the negative energy in houses, reminding people they are seen, and we are one, it’s the energy I bring to what I do that makes me who I am in the role.  

I’m also back to volunteering after taking some months off to get my balance back…because for a while my volunteering had morphed into a way to distract myself to focus on others, so I didn’t have to deal with myself…I took on three jobs within one non-profit for fuck sake…I was definitely trying to not have time to deal with myself.  When I am volunteering from a better place its not a distraction but just another expression of who I am at my core. I need to remember to stay in balance.

Last week I decided I would spend a little time each day sending some healing energy, love and light to some people in my life…especially ones I was feeling disappointed in or in some sort of discord with. After all, we all need some healing of past life shit to interact nicely in the world, right?

Today I took a Lightworker workshop. It reminded me of so many things I knew, but for some reason had forgotten (It really feels like I have been in a fog and now it’s cleared). I of course learned a few new things too. Learning is so much fun – especially when I can combine things I love – like science and energy.  I am reminded why I’m here. Sounds really corny to say this…but I am here not just to sell distressed property and help people sign loan papers but – to “be” light, to remind people of the abundance of the Universe, to hold joy for others so they can hold it too, to make a difference on the planet with love, compassion and joy and add those positive things to the collective consciousness of the planet, and to intuit how best to be a clear conduit for the Universe to help people get what they need and remember they are in a loving and abundant world. (I am absolutely sure most people reading this will wonder if there was some sort of Kool-Aid offered at this workshop…I assure you there was not…it makes perfect sense to me even if it doesn’t to anyone else). I have known this before; I just got a little disconnected for a while and it has been coming back lately. This workshop showed up with perfect timing to fully remind me.

There is organized chaos, and I am seeing synchronicity everywhere lately and it is making me laugh…which is good. I’m meeting some people I never would have met had I not ventured out to do new things, and since everyone is in your path for a purpose it will be interesting to see how this unfolds. I am reminded you have to have an intention to line up with synchronicity. Make no assumptions about anything…relax into it. Then you have to “go” …go and take the chance. Sometimes what looks like chaos is actually a really beautiful unfolding of something.