Looking for love or connection and coming up empty is never a good feeling. When you feel attraction for someone, sometimes it is based on unhealthy things. What I mean is…say your childhood created some unconscious ideas about what a relationship or partner is supposed to look like or feel like (this happens with everyone BTW) …even if you consciously know what you want, your subconscious may connect you to the wrong people or situations because they match the unconscious definition of what it’s ”supposed” to look like.
So, you may say with your mind, words and heart – “I want an emotionally available partner who values me as much as I value them.” But your subconscious may see an emotionally unavailable person and trigger your chemical feelings of attraction and bonding to them because you recognize on that subconscious level “this” is what feels familiar or comfortable or you learned was what the relationship is supposed to look like (Especially if you had a fucked-up childhood).
It especially sucks when your conscious mind says, “I want to feel attraction for this person because I like all these qualities about them, like – intelligence, “wokeness”, spirituality, goodness, creativity, sexual chemistry, etc.” and your subconscious has actually brought you to that emotionally unavailable person who you can’t even have real intimacy with except in glimpses… then you are double-fucked.
Your subconscious may be actually impeding what your conscious mind wants. What kind of a fucked-up thing is that?! So, if deep down we have a belief for instance of “men abandon me”, we will attract an emotionally unavailable person into our life, get attached to them, then they will “abandon” us (because they were never really there with us at all) and our belief is thereby “confirmed” again. Our subconscious finds confirmation and proves our beliefs are correct to relieve cognitive dissonance.
Awareness is the first step to change… and choice.
Attachment styles: There are four main attachment styles we humans have – formed by our first relationships in life. We should all strive to have a “secure attachment style“. Again, awareness is key, I think. If you can figure out where you are – then you can figure out what needs to happen to get you where you want to go. I have read many articles about attachment styles lately and there is a lot of information out there – the one site that seemed to have the most straightforward definitions of attachment I have quoted below is : https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm#
Secure attachment style: (what it looks like)
Empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries, people with secure attachment tend to feel safe, stable, and more satisfied in their close relationships. While they don’t fear being on their own, they usually thrive in close, meaningful relationships.
How secure attachment style affects adult relationships:
Having a secure attachment style doesn’t mean you’re perfect or you don’t experience relationship problems. But you likely feel secure enough to take responsibility for your own mistakes and failings and are willing to seek help and support when you need it.
- You appreciate your own self-worth and you’re able to be yourself in an intimate relationship. You’re comfortable expressing your feelings, hopes, and needs.
- You find satisfaction in being with others, openly seek support and comfort from your partner, but don’t get overly anxious when the two of you are apart.
- You’re similarly happy for your partner to rely on you for support.
- You’re able to maintain your emotional balance and seek healthy ways to manage conflict in a close relationship.
- When faced with disappointment, setbacks, and misfortune in your relationships as well as other parts of your life, you’re resilient enough to bounce back.
Primary caregiver relationship this person usually had: Someone with a secure attachment style, it’s likely your primary caretaker was able to stay engaged with you as an infant and effectively manage their own stress as well as calm and soothe you when you were distressed. They made you feel safe and secure, communicated through emotion, and responded to your changing needs on a regular basis, enabling your nervous system to become “securely attached.” Of course, no parent or caregiver is perfect, and no one can be fully present and attentive to an infant 24 hours a day. In fact, that’s not necessary to establish secure attachment in a child. But when your caregiver missed your nonverbal cues, it’s likely they continued trying to figure out what you needed, keeping the secure attachment process on track.
The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enabled you as a child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict.
*************** Next the not so healthy attachment styles so many of us have…
Ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment style (What it looks like)
People with an ambivalent attachment style (also referred to as “anxious-preoccupied,” “ambivalent-anxious,” or simply “anxious attachment”) tend to be overly needy. As the labels suggest, people with this attachment style are often anxious and uncertain, lacking in self-esteem. They crave emotional intimacy but worry that others don’t want to be with them.
How ambivalent attachment style affects adult relationships:
If you have an ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment style, you may be embarrassed about being too clingy or your constant need for love and attention. Or you may feel worn down by fear and anxiety about whether your partner really loves you.
- You want to be in a relationship and crave feelings of closeness and intimacy with a significant other, but you struggle to feel that you can trust or fully rely on your partner.
- Being in an intimate relationship tends to take over your life and you become overly fixated on the other person.
- You may find it difficult to observe boundaries, viewing space between you as a threat, something that can provoke panic, anger, or fear that your partner no longer wants you.
- A lot of your sense of self-worth rests on how you feel you’re being treated in the relationship, and you tend to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship.
- You feel anxious or jealous when away from your partner and may use guilt, controlling behavior, or other manipulative tactics to keep them close.
- You need constant reassurance and lots of attention from your partner.
- Others may criticize you for being too needy or clingy and you may struggle to maintain close relationships.
Primary caregiver relationship: It’s likely your parent or primary caregiver was inconsistent in their parenting style, sometimes engaged and responsive to your needs as an infant, other times unavailable or distracted. This inconsistency may have left you feeling anxious and uncertain about whether your needs in this “first” relationship would be met, and thus provide a model for your behavior in later relationships.
Avoidant-dismissive attachment style (What it looks like)
Adults with an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are the opposite of those who are ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied. Instead of craving intimacy, they’re so wary of closeness they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They’d rather not rely on others, or have others rely on them.
How avoidant attachment style affects adult relationships:
As someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, you tend to find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy. You value your independence and freedom to the point where you can feel uncomfortable with, even stifled by, intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship.
- You’re an independent person, content to care for yourself and don’t feel you need others.
- The more someone tries to get close to you or the needier a partner becomes, the more you tend to withdraw.
- You’re uncomfortable with your emotions and partners often accuse you of being distant and closed off, rigid and intolerant. In return, you accuse them of being too needy.
- You’re prone to minimize or disregard your partner’s feelings, keep secrets from them, engage in affairs, and even end relationships in order to regain your sense of freedom.
- You may prefer fleeting, casual relationships to long-term intimate ones, or you seek out partners who are equally independent, ones who’ll keep their distance emotionally.
- While you may think you don’t need close relationships or intimacy, the truth is we all do. Humans are hardwired for connection and deep down, even someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style wants a close meaningful relationship—if only they could overcome their deep-seated fears of intimacy.
Primary caregiver relationship: An avoidant-dismissive attachment style often stems from a parent who was unavailable or rejecting during your infancy. Since your needs were never regularly or predictably met by your caregiver, you were forced to distance yourself emotionally and try to self-soothe. This built a foundation of avoiding intimacy and craving independence in later life—even when that independence and lack of intimacy causes its own distress.
Disorganized/disoriented attachment style (What it looks like)
Disorganized/disoriented attachment, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment, stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this style of insecure attachment tend to feel they don’t deserve love or closeness in a relationship.
How disorganized attachment style affects adult relationships:
If you have a disorganized attachment style, you’ve likely never learned to self-soothe your emotions, so both relationships and the world around you can feel frightening and unsafe. If you experienced abuse as a child, you may try to replicate the same abusive patterns of behavior as an adult.
- You probably find intimate relationships confusing and unsettling, often swinging between emotional extremes of love and hate for a partner.
- You may be insensitive towards your partner, selfish, controlling, and untrusting, which can lead to explosive or even abusive behavior. And you can be just as hard on yourself as you are on others.
- You may exhibit antisocial or negative behavior patterns, abuse alcohol or drugs, or prone to aggression or violence.
- Others may despair at your refusal to take responsibility for your actions.
- While you crave the security and safety of a meaningful, intimate relationship, you also feel unworthy of love and terrified of getting hurt again.
- Your childhood may have been shaped by abuse, neglect, or trauma.
Primary caregiver relationship: If your primary caregiver was dealing with unresolved trauma themselves, it can lead to the intense fear associated with a disorganized/disoriented attachment style. Often the parent acted as both a source of fear and comfort for you as an infant, triggering the confusion and disorientation you feel about relationships now. In other cases, your parental figure may have ignored or overlooked your needs as an infant, or their erratic, chaotic behavior could have been frightening or traumatizing to you.
Very few of us actually had a completely secure attachment style given to us, modeled for us, or formed with us as we grew up. So that leaves the majority of us there mostly attaching to others in an unhealthy way. Honestly, I have vacillated between all of the unhealthy attachment styles as well as consciously grasped for the healthy ways – which in retrospect may make me look like a whole different brand of crazy!
My partner that died had many of the same sorts of abuse, neglect, and trauma as a child that I did – so we recognized things in each other and were able to discuss and convert some of our unhealthy ways of connecting, attaching and interacting into healthy ways. Consciously creating healthy attachment and in some ways healing each other. We literally loved each other through some serious brokenness.
Since he passed, I do believe some of my old subconscious patterns did re-emerge (maybe not as bad as before – but present none the less). I do have to give myself a little grace…1) I am always consciously improving, 2) I have very limited experience putting myself out there in the dating world – the majority of my adult life has been spent in committed relationships, and 3) I continue to become more aware and more conscious so I can take appropriate steps to have a healthy relationship. (Although I am struggling at the moment to not just shut down, put up walls, and close myself off to avoid future heartache…).
When you put a bunch of people out in the world to interact to find “love” and connection with other humans – and most of them have some sort of unhealthy way of attaching…well you end up with a real unpleasant dating environment. At least if you are aware of what is happening, you can decide what your boundaries are and try to relate to people in a more meaningful way.
Just so you are knowledgeable, below are some ways people relate – or fail to relate – that are not really good… (Definitions mostly courtesy of Urban Dictionary and yourtango.com). When I ventured into the dating world, I was quite naïve and not expecting these bad behaviors. I guess I can take comfort in the fact they are happening to most everyone – not just me. In fact, I got so used to the “ghosting” thing – I started doing it too. I vow to not do it again…I will always be direct but kind. (I also vow to never again park in a bike lane in Seattle…I have newfound respect for their purpose). If you have a name for the behavior you are experiencing, it helps to remind you that you might be experiencing a harmful behavior from someone and it’s not just you are imagining things or not doing something “right”.
Here is your new dating lexicon:
Back shelfing – A Back-Shelf relationship is when you have that guy or girl lurking in your background – sometimes for years. Maybe you’ve never actually had a full-on committed relationship with this person, but they’re always somewhere on your roster, somewhere in the background. It’s your fallback guy/girl. When a relationship ends, and you need comfort you might run to that person or rekindle a flame.
Benching is the idea that “I want you on my team” — meaning “I would like to date you (maybe) but not enough to fully commit to you.” It says, “I see your value but I’m unsure if I’m ready or willing to put my all into a relationship with you.” So instead, the bencher gives partial effort and leads you on, making you think that you have a future with them. They’ll text to remind you that they’re thinking of you, but rarely will they ask about your day or engage in conversation that’s more meaningful than “hey what’s up.” Note – “benching” from a narcissist happens if they decide you have done something they don’t like or has upset them. There is a drop in activity calls, texts, and overall interaction with no real explanation. It’s not quite ghosting, but close. It’s basically you are in a time out corner until further notice.
Breadcrumbing – the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal social signals (i.e. “breadcrumbs”) in order to lure a romantic partner in without expending much effort – giving “just enough attention to keep their hope of a relationship alive.” In other words, it’s leading someone on. Someone who breadcrumbs leads you on by dropping small morsels of interest — an occasional message, phone call, date plan, or social media interaction. These happen sporadically and usually don’t have any follow-through. Breadcrumbing dives even deeper into mind-fuckery because mixed signals are harder to cope with than no signals. They essentially throw you “breadcrumbs” of romantic interest but never fully commit to a relationship. While the person involved isn’t ghosting someone, what they’re doing can cause long-term relationship problems that make you feel like you’re constantly being dragged along, always with just enough of a promise to keep you invested in their relationship, even if they have no intention of making anything more out of it. It is so important to trust your intuition when it tells you another person is trying to breadcrumb you; it’ll keep you from getting emotionally entangled with another immature person when you’re looking for a relationship. Breadcrumbing is just as bad if not worse than being ghosting because they continue to give you a glimmer of hope each time. A writer at Bustle once described breadcrumbing as “ghosting’s sadistic cousin,” which I think sums it up beautifully.
Catch and Release – Some people just love the thrill of the chase — and once that’s over, they lose interest immediately. They reel you in, and once they’ve proven they can catch you, they release you back into the wild. If you’ve ever hooked up or gone out with someone, only to have them vanish into thin air afterwards, you may very well have experienced this obnoxious and immature dating phenomenon. Remember: a person who practices catch and release does not have any intention of actually dating you, and they never did — it’s all a game to them.
Caspering – Named after the fictional child phantom, it’s a friendly alternative to ghosting. Instead of ignoring someone, you’re honest about how you feel, and let them down gently before disappearing from their lives.
Catfish – A person who pretends to be a completely different person than who they really are online and uses that persona to engage in a romantic relationship.
Cloaking – the new ‘ghosting’—only much, much more cruel. If Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak sprang to mind, you’re not far off. Where being ‘ghosted’ involved your potential love interest simply going radio silent on all channels of communication (charming), getting ‘cloaked’ means they have not only disappeared—they’ve straight up unmatched and blocked you on all of the apps….Rude.
Cookie Jarring refers to when the person you have been seeing (without an official status) has little intention of entering into a relationship with you but keeps you as a backup option while they pursue other people. This is when you keep someone around just to employ when you want a little treat… You don’t see a future with them and they aren’t good for you, but they’re a fun little snack for when you’re in the mood for something sweet, just like a cookie.
Cricketing – Not a new term, generally speaking. To “hear crickets” means you’ve reached out to someone but have heard nothing back (even though you know they’ve heard you). It means someone has the read receipts “on” (so you know they have read your text), but the person hasn’t texted back — often for days.
Curving is like ghosting except more brutal. They want to seem nice, but may they take days, or even weeks, to reply to your last message. Instead of leaving you hanging, a curver will reply, but their responses will be sporadic, closed off, and often apologetic. You can tell if someone is curving you if they’re distant in your life, but not absent. Curvers gradually express less and less interest in you, and stop texting you for days at a time. Messages from the “curver” might include words like “sorry,” “I’ve been busy,” “occupied,” “haven’t had the time,” and “insert predictable excuse here” messages. But if someone is curving you, they simply don’t care about you. It’s not that hard to take a minute out of their day to text someone back instead of ignoring their message for days or even weeks. In these circumstances, being curved means to get stood up, rejected, or downright ignored — but what does curved mean sexually? To be curved sexually means a person will show they are attracted to you just enough to sleep with you, but when it’s time to talk about commitment, or make more plans for something other than sex – they have nothing to say. They will avoid confrontation at all costs. From ignoring your questions about your relationship to deflecting a totally different topic, their goal is to distract you long enough so you forget what you were even talking about or drop it until the next time. The “curver” will repeat the process until the “curvee” decides to take real action and leave them alone. This really hurts… unlike a Ghoster, they do respond to your texts and continue to keep in touch with you… but always in a way that kind of hints they’re not interested in you but still playful enough it gives you hope. But even if you know deep down that they don’t want to see you or talk to you, the fact that they’re responding keeps that teeny tiny spark of hope alive. When someone rejects you in a this way that is so sneaky, you probably won’t even recognize it as rejection at first. It’s dishonest.
Cushioning When you have one main person you’re dating, but perhaps you’re not sure about the relationship so you have several “cushions” (other romantic prospects) lined up in case things don’t work out.
Devaluing and discarding – A process used by toxic and abusive people. It’s a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. The relationship is a roller-coaster of kindness followed by cruelty, abuse, and toxicity, followed by kindness again. During the course of the relationship, he or she breaks down the other person’s confidence, then discards them, leaving him/her depleted and confused, wondering where things went wrong. First, they devalue, then discard.
Draking – My personal favorite (in terminology, never in practice)… posting moody lyrics and “cryptic” inspirational quotes in lieu of directly addressing a tough break-up situation.
Drop off – Into you, texting, meeting…then too busy with “life stuff”. See also “Slow fade” and “Curving”. Also when someone tells you they’re “too busy with work commitments” to see you.
Eclipsing – (No, not the scientific phenomena) In dating terms, eclipsing means beginning to, or pretending to like the same things that your crush does. This is a common thing that a lot of people do, but it also begins to cloud your own distinct personality. Besides, the truth always comes out, and your crush/partner can’t reciprocate your feelings because they don’t even know the real you.
Gaslighting – a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions. Gaslighting happens when an abuser (aka narcissist) tries to control a someone by twisting their sense of reality. An example of gaslighting would be a partner doing something abusive and then denying it happened. Gaslighters may also convince their victims that they’re mentally unfit or too “sensitive”.
Ghosting – If someone ghosts you, they stop all communication and contact with you without any warning or justification and ignore your attempts to reach out or communicate. And sadly, this disappearing act has become so commonplace that the word is now applied in many contexts beyond dating. Although always a cowardly behavior, it is especially rude if you’ve been sexually involved with the person more than once (and really un-fucking-forgivable when you have had sex with someone a dozen times).
Goldilocks-ing – the act of only giving a person a short time to try and make a connection because they have 14 other people lined up that sound amazing also. This makes you feel like you are interviewing to be in a relationship and trying to “wow” them before they move on. Often you don’t feel you’ve ever been given a fair chance before Mr. or Ms. Goldilocks has moved on to the next bright and shiny “object”.
Hoovering – When a toxic or abusive person wants to get back into your life by offering an empty apology. Could sound something like: “Give me another chance. I’m sorry about how I treated you. I can change. I made a mistake.” – This is manipulative… They know how to push your buttons to make you feel validated or guilty. For the shortest time, it feels like your wildest dreams are coming true, your opinions matter, and you are the most important person in the world to that certain person. It often feels like vindication. When you are starving for any emotional food, just about any kind of personal validation tastes wonderful. However, just because it tastes good, doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy or nourishing.
Kittenfishing – the act of making oneself appear more desirable in online dating apps, especially through the use of old or edited photos and inflated profile descriptions. (Note – there are male kittenfishers also).
Love bombing – A love bomber moves a relationship forward very quickly — declaring his or her love for you within weeks or even days of dating. He or she may say that you are everything they have ever needed and wanted, and the person may pretend to be what you have always needed and wanted. This might be a toxic person simply trying to reel you in… By the time they expose their real personality, you may be deep into a relationship and believe that their real personality is a reaction to something you have done wrong — and that’s why they are behaving differently. Psychologists have identified love bombing as part of a cycle of abuse. Picture this: you’re really getting along well with the person you’ve just started dating. The chemistry is good, the conversation is “cracking”, and they are showering you with more affection than Jay-Z did Beyoncé post-Lemonade. They initiate talk of trips, buy you gifts, compliment you, call you just to say hello, and it goes on like this for a few weeks or months. And then… nothing. You, dear friend, just got “love bombed”.
Marleying – When a former flame gets in touch with you (or straight-up tries to get back together with you) right around the holidays, that’s called “marleying.” The term is named after A Christmas Carol’s Jacob Marley who comes back to haunt Ebenezer Scrooge close to Christmas. People who engage in marleying are often just feeling lonely (or looking for a date to the zillion holiday parties they have coming up).
Mermaiding – (Per Rebel Wilson) “It’s like, when a girl goes out with a guy to a boardwalk and then she gets really bored with the date. So, she just goes into the ocean, and you never see her again.” Like a catfish except the person is real but their intentions are to ruin you financially, emotionally, steal your identity or con you in some other way. Back in the day, mermaids were thought to lead sailors to their doom by leading them to dangerous storms, crashing upon rocks, or dragging them down under the sea.
Mosting – Like love bombing but not as dangerous. The person may be toxic but really only loves the thrill of the chase and the act of coming on strong. The “moster” will likely end up ghosting you once he or she has expressed undying affection for you.
Orbiting – when a former love interest isn’t actually getting in touch with you, but they’re just lingering on your social media feeds. They won’t text you back, but they’ll retweet your latest meme, watch your Instagram Story or “like” your Facebook post. Basically, they want you to know they’re keeping tabs on you, but they probably have no intention of actually dating you again… so they just creep on you from afar. They may want to keep the door open in case you both find yourselves single and want to hook up or hang out again.
Paper clipping – See also “submarining”. Remember the now-retired and pretty annoying Microsoft assistant Clippy that would pop up out of nowhere when you really didn’t want him bopping around your screen? Well, after Brooklyn-based artist Samantha Rothenberg shared an illustration comparing Clippy to people who are “damaged, flaky, and not particularly interested in you,” the act of disappearing and then reappearing out of thin air six months later got its name.
Pocketing – a situation where a person you’re dating avoids or hesitates to introduce you to their friends, family or other people they know, in-person or on social media, even though you’ve been going out for a while. When your partner doesn’t want you around their family and other important people in their life, and means they don’t see a future with you. It’s just downright rude and wasting your time — unless you are also just in it for a cheap thrill. See Stashing.
Roaching – An unfortunately common act in the world of dating apps, “roaching” is what happens when the person you’ve been seeing regularly (usually for a few months) is hiding the fact that they’ve been dating other people. The real clincher here? When you find out about it and bring it up in discussion with them, they claim that they didn’t realize you were in a monogamous relationship. The name “roaching” apparently comes from the theory that whenever you see one cockroach, there are several more (or many) that you’re not seeing. So, while you were dating this one person and there was a sense of implied exclusivity, they’ve been seeing a plethora of other people. Sigh.
Serendipidating –This term combines the concepts of “if it’s meant to be” with “the grass is always greener.” So, serendipidating sometimes means they are putting off a real date just in case someone better comes along. It also takes the form of someone who will have sex with you multiple times, maybe even a couple regular “dates” too and does little things to make it seem like you “might” be in a relationship… or at least headed there… but in reality, they are watching the field for some sort of magical unicorn they don’t even know exists.
Shelving – the act of chatting someone up in a way that suggests something more is going to happen in real life but then using work obligations to avoid making definitive plans to meet offline.
Sidebarring (AKA Phubbing) – When it seems like your date is more interested in checking their texts, social media notifications, emails, etc. than getting to know you — they’re “sidebarring” or “phubbing” (as in phone snubbing) you. Yes, it’s rude, and yes you can call them out on it. When you’re on a date, you should always take priority over what’s happening on their phone, unless there’s some kind of emergency.
Situationship -Not in a committed relationship but can’t exactly say you’re single either? Oh yes, you’re in a “situationship” and you’ve got a lot going on. If you’re thinking of dating someone who says they’re in one of these or their category is “It’s complicated”, proceed at your own risk because you’re most likely entering a tangled web. It’s a bizarre sort of limbo that lots of people find themselves in — a pseudo-relationship based around convenience without the serious commitment or labels. This is not to be confused with FWB, which is distinctly casual. In a situationship, you might go on actual dates and even form a deep, emotional connection (in addition to having sex) but you never officially DTR. Some of the hallmarks of a situationship are only making last-minute or short-term plans, not hanging out consistently, and rarely or never talking about the future.
Slow fade – The slow fade is essentially the charade that someone puts on when they have made the decision to end the relationship but don’t share their decision. People who use the slow fade often think they are being kind by cutting someone off slowly rather than abruptly.
Soft ghosting – Unlike traditional ghosting which involves a person going AWOL without a trace, “soft ghosting” is the infuriating act of simply ‘liking’ your text instead of actually replying. It puts the ball back in the messenger’s court, without really giving them anything to work with, basically saying: “Hi, I have nothing to add nor do I want to continue this line of communication, so please accept this “like” as a token of my acknowledgement. Buh-bye.”
Stashing – Have you ever dated someone where you saw them regularly, texted all the time, and had a great time together, but never met their friends or were otherwise never a visible part of their life? See also “Pocketing”. It’s when the person doesn’t introduce you to friends or family, doesn’t post pictures of you on social media, and otherwise keeps you separate from their life in order to date other people as well (perhaps your friends?)… or keep you and their spouse from finding out about one another. Not cute, and not very respectable.
Submarining —also referred to as “paperclipping”—is when someone randomly messages you after ghosting you first. They pretend like nothing happened even though they previously acted like they weren’t interested. The name comes from the fact that a person disappears underwater for a while before coming back up again. When someone you were romantically involved with ghosts or slow fades you, then randomly resurfaces with no apology and pretending as if nothing happened, that’s called “submarining.” I’m a firm believer that people need to take responsibility for their actions — and this behavior is not just insulting, it can also be downright manipulative.
Textationship – a friendly, romantic, sexual or intimate relationship, either brief or long-term, between two people whereby text messaging is utilized as the primary form of communication throughout, oftentimes due to one person’s unwillingness and inability to express their feelings, unless at an impersonal level where senses, details and answers to questions and/or subject matter are intentionally avoided at the expense of disregarding and neglecting the need for sharing, giving, conveying a complete, forthright and respectful reply by other means of technology or face-to-face discussion.
Trickle Ghosting – You think everything is going great, but the person in question slowly and gently retreats. They’re suddenly and progressively less and less available, they don’t text you back for days, and all the while they’re very slowly working their way towards ghosting you. This is also known as the Slow Fade, and while it’s less aggressive than the other shitty dating trends, it still hurts.
Tuning – Flirting for the sake of flirting without any interest in anything further.
Woke Fishing – refers to men who supposedly hold liberal views—that is, someone who is a feminist, someone who attends Black Lives Matter protests and is pro-LGBTQ+—but in reality, doesn’t practice what they preach.
Zombie-ing – You know how zombies die and then miraculously rise from the dead? It’s like that. See also submarining and paperclipping. Have you ever been ghosted not once, but twice by the same person? Considered yourself “zombied”.
So…it’s not a pleasant or easy time out there right now.
Be kind…don’t pull bullshit on people. Be a nice human.
2 thoughts on “Attachment & Updated Dating Lexicon”
This is an insanely thorough rundown of every permutation of relationships I can think of…all I can say is that when you throw in the added complexity or intensity of a D/s dynamic, things can get very confusing indeed.
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Yep. Ms. Avoidant-Dismissive here. So fucked…
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