I’ve been so emotional this week…so much energy coming at me and through me…is it the geomagnetic storms or something else? Today especially…I woke up with energy coursing through all my chakras, then a feeling of calm…then more waves of energy. I can’t really put my finger on where its coming from. I know what I’d like to think…but that is just wishful thinking. My eyes are leaking all week too…not like crying…just crying beyond my control in the form of leaking out the sides of my eyes, but there is no one specific thing I can decide I am crying about. This happened once before, when I needed to process grief. I wish I could just go ahead and “real” cry – get it out and be done with it. But I can’t. I don’t really do that…once in a blue moon…I think it scares me and I need someone to hold me so I know I will be okay – fuck that sounds stupid. Anyway I am generally NOT a crier.
Last night I re-watched one of my favorite movies “Lost in Translation”. This is a Bill Murray and Scarlett Johanson movie, set in Tokyo. It makes you think about what you want in life and how we are all lost in some way and we all crave true and intimate connection and interaction…it makes me think about that stuff anyway. It is a beautiful movie. It also reminds me we have to let go of things…people…places…times…everything is a series of letting go of things. Over and over in my life I have let go of everything and walked away from people and situations. I learned non-attachment as a child (part of the Buddhist doctrine my parents tried to instill in me – in between all the other pieces of religious and philosophical “stuff” I have had to sort through – weird stuff for another day…come to think of it – I wasn’t allowed to cry either, maybe that’s why it’s so hard). The more you do it, the easier it gets (walking away from stuff). But is that living in authenticity? or is it just walking away? If you truly think about how Buddhist non-attachment is meant to be, it’s more about not being attached to the outcome of things and just in the moment…love what you have while you have it, when it goes – let it go.
I am thinking also about a Dennis Llyod song…in the middle of it (GFY) the music stops, and the following words are spoken: “And whether your relationship is awful, good, or great, we don’t like endings. We don’t like to lose things. And especially, we don’t like to lose things that are important to us. And make no mistake, relationships are the single most important thing to you and your life. It’s the source of all of your best memories. It’s the source of all of your worst memories. When you think back on your life, when you’re 95, a hundred years old, and you look back over the course of your lifetime, you’re not gonna think, “I wish I owned a better phone. I wish I spent more time on the internet. I wish I spent more time at work, or sleeping”, it’s not gonna be any of those kinds of things. It’s gonna be, “I wish I spent more time with the people I love”.
Other thoughts today…you are always walking – either toward love or toward fear. Even if you think you are standing still – you aren’t. I really do try to consciously move toward love and joy…your spirit is the tiny little part of you that always feels like there is a grain of hope…I really try to live without judgement or expectation and be right here…in the moment. As Ram Dass said, “Be here now.” I am trying to give up the need to know what happens next or tomorrow…I need to just “be” love…one is not separate from the whole. Sometimes I get so tired of having hope and feeling disappointment. I still believe…I believe in happy endings…in love…in good things happening…in people (most of them anyway) …I believe in things I can’t see…in energy…and intention…and truth. I trust the Universe even when I might doubt the trust in myself.
What do you believe in?