Comet dust and lust…

A “nova”” when it comes to dating, is when you meet someone and there is an initial attraction…the two of you shine brightly for a moment, then fade away and fizzle out quickly (usually a one night thing)…it was never meant to be anything more and you both instinctively know it. A “comet” in dating lasts longer – it also shines brightly for a time then fades way….but they are generally a little deeper and can come and go, but they keep coming back around until they fizzle out also (This can last for months…sometimes even a couple years). Again, you usually recognize the comet or nova for what it is…the person you are attracted to doesn’t match with you enough to build anything long term or substantial. They are primarily based on lust and having fun. (I should have included these terms in the updated lexicon from a few posts back… I’ve been using them since 2018).

Mostly you run into these “situationships” when you are just out dating for fun. They run their course…no harm no foul. Brushing off all the comet dust from my last few trips around sun, I am once again pondering relationships today. (I am a very lust driven girl…so bright, shiny and fast-moving things do catch my attention – LOL.) I have been asking the Universe why I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men when I know I want the real thing…one soft spot to land that “gets” me and who wants a life and partnership with me. One where we can be down in the gritty, wonderful, messy, “all in”, deep love part of living that we are meant to be doing…living our moments to the fullest in love, joy, wholeness of expression that is being “alive”.

I have come to discover it’s two things. The first one is maybe I am attracting emotionally unavailable men because if I can make them love me it will heal my inner child that was abandoned and neglected by my parents. Pitiful isn’t it? Its not going to happen… so its a complete waste of energy…. I thought I had moved past this, but apparently, we keep revisiting old shit ad nauseum forever…My fiancé that died, Robert, was “all in” with me. We were emotionally available for each other – somehow…and it was lovely. Umm…actually, I think maybe I wasn’t at first, but he stuck with me long enough in the “becoming safe with him” part that I became fully emotionally available? Or maybe I always held out a small piece…. I might have – now that I think about it. (I am one fucked up mess…not whining – I signed up for this shit show with my particular “soul contract” to learn whatever I’m here to learn…)

Which brings me to reason number two – because he died, he abandoned me too. Which triggers that whole childhood shit and my wounded, abandoned inner child again – plus now I have had really great “wholeness” in a very loving, secure, unconditional relationship so I have really high expectations for what that looks like and don’t want to settle for less. I really would like to recreate that sort of unconditional love and “wholeness” that relationship had. There may be a part of me that is scared to fully embrace love and a partnership again, because what if they die and leave me also? So that could be why I attract emotionally unavailable people…maybe I am not fully emotionally available??

Shadow work is not pretty… I am diving deep and feeling my feelings (never a pleasant task for me). I feel like I am emotionally available…at least much more than I was when I got on the dating sites last February, so maybe now is when I will finally attract Mr. Emotionally Available…I sure am sick of Mr. Unavailable(s). I’ve grown a lot in the last 8-9 months. The last person I started a new interaction with, I specifically asked him “Are you emotionally available?”. He said “Yes”. He is college educated so I am quite sure he understands the words…but in reality, he has physical time but has not healed from his divorce thereby making him not emotionally available… So he is “available” but not emotionally. Maybe the question confused him? I figured that out quickly this time. Maybe a sign of growth on my part? Moving on.

One of my comets that keeps orbiting by has gone around the dark side of the moon again…I texted him that “I am not offended, I expected it, let me know when you sort yourself out again to resume the temporary ride”. My feelings did not get hurt this time…I would call that some level of “growth”, wouldn’t you? Of course, I recognized him as a comet coming back by again so I wasn’t expecting a life altering “love” dynamic. I am a lusty girl…I do need interaction – LOL, but hopefully my “one” is coming soon.

I am ready… I promise I am.

Meanwhile, I also hope all the emotionally unavailable men I have attracted will heal as well…