I’m fine…sort of

Just sharing random stuff in my brain today… if you stopped in looking for inspiration here, you won’t find it right now. There is no love and light in this post…feel free to move along.

I need to de-tox from social media. I would rather that I pick up a book or take a yoga pose instead of check FaceBook. How do you turn your profile off rather than delete it I wonder… I just removed all social media from my phone…problem solved. I will not pull them up on one of my computers because that is not how I access them. Let the de-tox begin. I don’t watch the news…if something truly horrific happens that I need to be aware of, someone is going to have to call me or email me.

My energy has been fucked all week. I get a grip on it for a minute – then interact with someone and … boom – it’s fucked up again. I feel energetically scattered, sad, and just bad in general. I keep ending up in the tub with Epsom salts.

I really miss having a partner. This will be my 5^th Christmas without Robert. I am really tired of just being “alone” …I really value my alone time, but I want a partner. I have been doing everything by myself…taking my bike to places to ride it alone…. going to cultural and community “events” alone …volunteering alone… taking classes to learn new things alone… People do things with friends, family or partners – I do them alone.

I joined a new dating site – for empaths and HSPs…there is no one there…I am apparently alone there as well. There are a few women there and one guy way too young…that’s it.

I’m trying not to miss my fuckbuddy. I have to keep reminding myself that yes, I really liked and had feelings for the parts of himself he showed me, but since he didn’t really let me in… there is much of him I do not even know…so it’s all an illusion. Maybe that’s why he wouldn’t let me in… maybe he’s a fraud…there is nothing there…or it’s bad… I ended up texting him again late last night. I wish I hadn’t. He doesn’t really care…just gave me a dollop of positive sounding frosting that I don’t believe was genuine… it made me feel even emptier.

The comet relationship is really fucking with me (and not in a good way) … every time we interact, he goes dark for a week or two or a month – then pops back in… yesterday we had a sex date. He came way too fast – I think “no biggie” he will recover, and we will begin again…nope. Instead, he tells me he just got a message from work – emergency…he has to go back to work. He rushed me out so quickly I forgot stuff, then he blocked me. I drove 40 minutes each way for 20 minutes of interaction to end up without some of my stuff, not satisfied enough and blocked from communication. WTF? I felt the energy shift before I said goodbye to leave. I knew by the time I got to the car he was going to block me again…even though I have been nothing but kind, understanding, compassionate and genuine. I knew on my way home, remembering what I left behind in the confusion of the shift, that I don’t need those things back…I can live without them and maybe would rather than put myself in his space again because it hurts me to be continually emotionally abandoned. I knew before I texted that it wouldn’t be delivered. I think this guy needs therapy and is not good for my general mental health. I get glimpses of a real and genuine guy…then he disappears. He knew the day before I was struggling and trying to soak away icky energy and now he gives me some more icky energy to deal with…that’s not nice. I think he is not nice.

I have also discovered white American men who end conversations with “Cheers” are total douchebags. I have known it for a while, but I have recently been reminded…from now on if an American man tells me “cheers” and does not a glass of have champagne in his hand, that’s it… I’m gone… done… no further discussion about it. They are also questionable if they drive an Alfa Romeo.

I had lunch with a friend this last week. Those 60 minutes were the only good thing in my entire week…perhaps the only good thing all month so far.

I think I’m depressed. I have been searching for a therapist…the right person is crucial to the success of the undertaking…they need to understand so many aspects of who I am in order to be of value… where do I find the right one?

I am realizing I often give time and energy and pieces of myself to people who are un-deserving of it/me. Why do I do this? Is it me trying to help others or not loving myself enough?

Is there anything stronger than Epsom salts? Whatever it is, I need it…I keep forgetting to protect myself energetically…I’m just here going out there all “open” and receptive…getting instantly energetically “dirty”. I know I sound crazy.

Why am I here? I don’t feel like what I do in any aspect of my life is making a big enough difference. I don’t feel “seen” and valued…so why am I still here?

I need to cry…but I can’t. What if I started and never stopped?

This is me…just a wayward yoga girl… my name is Adrienne.