I have spent the last 2 ½ days in bed. I’m out of it now…but I want to go back. I showered and put on clothes…now I’m exhausted. I binge-watched things on Prime…including “Fleabag” and “Modern Love” … a movie called “Bound”…another movie called “The Voyeurs”. It occurs to me this morning my daughter probably wanted to talk – she was hanging out in the living room all day yesterday. I was checked out… that was rude. She is really struggling with the decision of whether to open her relationship with her girlfriend up to polyamory. I can’t be much help anyway…I have no sage words of wisdom right now.
What else did I do? I joined a couple dating apps of course. Having already been involved with all the regular ones since Robert’s death – Bumble, Match, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, OK Cupid, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Meet Mindful, Our Time, eHarmony, Fetlife (by the way – this place is fucking scary!), The League… So I signed up with a couple more obscure apps – mostly to avoid continually matching with the same guys (especially Poly Paul and Brucifer). It is insane how you see all the same people on all the apps. I must be such a masochist to put myself out there again…
So Syncd is supposed to match you based on your Meyers-Briggs personality type. In 20 seconds, I was out of matches because I am a fucking INTJ…all day…every fucking day. The other one I joined is called Badoo (weird name – I have no idea what it is supposed to mean). I am speaking with several guys from there now and have had to hide my profile for now just because almost every time you go on a new app it’s like dropping raw meat into a tank of piranhas…it’s intense.
Of the three I’m talking to…one named Daniel is nice, but really too old – I’m sure he is vanilla. He is looking for a wife. I really need to find a nice way to let him go…he doesn’t really “feel” right, and I regret giving him my phone number. He feels generic…mediocre. The second one, Erick, is interesting…we can have deep conversations, he too is looking for a LTR – which is good, he is not poly – which is good, pretty sure he’s vanilla – eh. He seems kind of “fragile”. Treading lightly…with an open mind. We shall see. The third, Kelly, is a married man with an open marriage. He is smart, evolved and seems to be an excellent match sexually…he’s already calling me “babygirl”. Of course, as a married man…he is not really available. Are you as sick of this pattern as I am? Fuck me. Of course, I am going to see him. I need my Daddy Dom fix.
My ex-fuckbuddy said I deserve “all of it”, “the brass ring”. I really do deserve “all of it” … all the good stuff. But brass turns your finger green… I prefer platinum. I am never going to get “all of it” if I keep choosing unavailable men. Why are all the best matches not really available…completely anyway?
Pencil dick keeps texting me…I finally told him we are looking for different things – I am looking for a long-term relationship…a soul mate. He is looking for sex. Wished him well and sent him on his way. I like sex (a lot) but it just wasn’t good enough with him for another round.
The new Daddy Dom just texted me to meet him for lunch…I will keep you posted. (Let’s be real…we all know how it’s going to end…he’s not available so I will probably fall in love with him).