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Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood. Maybe he lived in a better one than I do. I only watched the show when I was 5 and 6 – maybe he covered more later, and I missed it. It used to make me so sad when he took his sweater off and hung it up in preparation to leave. It also confused me – I wanted to know why he had to take his sweater off to put on a jacket. This part of the show always made me really sad… this routine of leaving. I wanted to know why he was leaving what appeared to be his ”home” and where was his wife and children? And why did he hang his sweater up? It would make hanger stretch marks on the shoulders. And why did he always have to wear a sweater in the house? Was it cold? These are the things that used to make me think too much… (yes, I have always overthought things). Of course, my real “neighborhood” is the world…and I often do not feel that I was properly prepared for it… people and what they do still confuse me.

I am a fairly smart woman… I should be smarter than to be confused by people’s actions and words. My youngest daughter says I am on “the spectrum”. Of course, she sees that in almost everyone – so this has to be taken with a big grain of salt. I looked up the signs of the autism spectrum. The only signs I see that match with me are the traits that happen to overlap with being an INTJ personality. I do not know when someone is flirting with me. I often take things very literally. I have some “social cue” issues as far as interpreting things – but of course I know how to behave the way people expect in society. I just don’t always pick up on the meaning of things unless someone is direct. My brain is just wired in a rather linear, logical way. There are times when I leave the brain out and just interpret the world energetically, which gives me different information – sometimes more than I really care to have – LOL. But also coming into play is my childhood…my step-father often used logic and words to trap me and that may have distorted my ability to understand social interaction better. I don’t know. All I know is I don’t have some complex meaning in everything I do and say – I am just “real”… there is no ulterior motive or hidden agenda. I say what I think and how I feel… it’s not a manipulation or a game or a veiled something else. This I think is why some people call me naïve and child-like… it’s just me.

Out there – in the dating wild – is where my confusion shows itself. In business interactions, or interactions with people I know (friends, family, etc.), I don’t get confused often. On the dating sites, and on dates, there is some hidden language or “code” I just don’t seem to get. It makes me feel frustrated. I am also so completely disgusted, that in this day and age, a man still can and does think less of a woman for being sexual. What sort of backwards thinking bullshit is that? If I am a sexual being, I am somehow “less than” and become a non-person to them?! All of a sudden the man treats you like a prostitute or street walker instead of an intelligent, articulate, soft, human woman? I read somewhere “No man is nicer than the one that hasn’t fucked you yet”. It seems to be accurate. That is some toxic social programming to be sure.

I found this writing that is circulating around FaceBook and some blogs – thought I would share it (I resisted the urge to change it and make it better).

I want to be dominated…

And the first thing most of the men I have hooked up with think of, is fucking me roughly. They’re going to piledrive and pull my hair all the way to their orgasm.

But that’s not what I think of when I think of a dominant man. Sure, a physically imposing man is great (especially to a physically imposing female), but that’s not what dominance is.

A dominant man is observant. He watches, he notices, he takes in the environment. He does this not only to monitor your responses, he does this to keep you safe. In the same way a lead on the dance floor should mostly be looking at the couples around them, not on their follow, a dominant man is watching the environment so you can feel safe to let go. He’s watching you to see what you aren’t saying. He observes.

A dominant man is patient. He knows that as much as you might want to open up, it takes some time for your subconscious and your nervous system to catch up. You need to relax, you need to feel safe, and he needs time. To explore, to feel you, to gauge what you like and don’t like, he needs time with your body and your mind and he is patient enough to take it. And he is patient over and over again, not just once, but many times, giving you the confirmation that he is steady and present and he will not leave you to flounder.

A dominant man makes your pleasure his idea. He experiments and plays with your body for the sake of your pleasure because he wants to. He knows your pleasure isn’t like anyone else’s and he enjoys figuring you out. He likes knowing what makes you tense and clench and catch your breath, and he won’t wait for you to ask for it because he wants to see it.

A dominant man knows foreplay is constant. In how he touches you, in conversation, in his approach. A dominant man never has to tell you what he is, you’ll know. He doesn’t need trapping and posturing, he doesn’t rely on trying to embody what he thinks an alpha is. He cares for you not because he should, but because that’s what the protector masculine does, that energy is what brings out your softness.

As much as submission is given. As much as a submissive has the power to call a full stop, there is a very big difference between allowing a man to rough fuck you and submitting to the will of a truly dominant man.

When I say dominant man, that’s what I mean.

~Author unknown

Being someone who writes about wanting an alpha male all the time – I get this… and it is quite accurate. Where are the positively dominate men? May I have one please?

I have a date on Monday night – weird right? What happened to the weekend? Already have dates lined up for those nights? We haven’t talked much…and for sure not about dominance or sex or anything like that. He has a PhD, so I am thinking he may be fairly intelligent. He is a wealth manager (maybe I can learn some money skills?). We have talked about how so many of the folks we come into contact with don’t have depth. One conversation and you are in the deep end of the pool, with no where left to go… the need for an ocean-like mind with expansiveness and depth – able to go to many subjects. We will see… he has a child that is not yet full grown. I have already raised mine. Not sure I am really up for all that a child entails in a relationship – if it gets that far. Monday night he will cook for me – some dish he has mastered on his worldwide travels – I am tasked with bringing a salad or soup that compliments the dish after he has decided precisely what he is making and tells me. (This is actually what he told me, “tasked with” – not sure how I feel about this – do not want a controlling asshole thank you.) I was also asked to tell him a half dozen of my favorite movies – he will choose one of those or one on his list to watch after dinner and we can discuss it in depth. This is beginning to sound like some sort of homework assignment for a class…definitely “different”… I decided a few years ago to say “yes” to more things. To try different things, experiment more, view everything as an opportunity for learning…so this is another time I have said “yes” just to see what happens.

Another guy I have talked to is from Guatemala. We really have not exchanged any meaningful information – shared some recipes and cooking tips… he has two children still in process of growing up (still not in the mood to raise someone else’s children…raised my own thank you), he has asked me out for Saturday night. I have not answered yet (really fucking rude of me). I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I just don’t think I want to go out with him. It’s the whole “no meaningful information thing” – my mind has not been engaged… so do I really want to be trapped somewhere for hours with someone I can’t talk to? This dating thing is just so hard… I am not built for it.

I still don’t want to be involved with an unavailable person. I just want one person…one who I can be myself with…who can love and adore who I am.

I need to spend the weekend re-doing my dating profile. I keep being told that I am “intimidating” or even “terrifying”. I’m just trying to weed out the ones that can’t read…or think.