I have been reflecting on all that has transpired the last year… particularly when it comes to personal growth – which is positive. I am starting therapy next week to make sure I continue to process stuff from the past fully and can move forward as the mentally healthiest version of myself possible and have clarity about things as they come up – which should enable me to be very conscious in my life moving forward. I work on this stuff all the time, but some outside assistance may help me see things I can’t see – we all have certain “blind spots”.
One thing I was thinking about today is sex. When I decided I should start dating this year, I had not had sex for almost three years. It was a choice to stay away from dating for reasons I have previously shared, including processing grief from my fiancé dying and getting to a “healthy” mental place before beginning any new relationships. Three years is a long time to not have sex or physical touch of any kind…especially for someone like me – a very physical person. Admittedly, I have had a lot of sex this year for a single person. I am trying to not feel any sort of self-recrimination about it… I am an adult… I am a responsible person… I am allowed to have sex… I do not need to feel guilty about it.
Anyway, the first person I had sex with this year ignited the flame… he brought my sexuality back to life (and became a great friend). The second person I had sex with this year (who would turn out to be my on and off fuckbuddy – although that was not really my intention), I experienced some strange goings on. The first thing I noticed was my body reacted to every touch like crazy – I thought that might be expected since I had been without sex so long. But it also made me cry – which was completely out of character and embarrassing and made no sense to me. Then I dreamed about him – it felt like a meaningful dream. I blogged about it here: www.undomesticatedbitch.wordpress.com/2021/03/12/what-kind-of-dom-is-this/
He and I were still getting to know each other, had a brief conversation about being ENM, and kept things “loose”. I continued meeting other people and having sex with them and had sex with him as often as I could. Each time we had sex – same deal… crazy intense reactions in my body I had never had with anyone else now or ever before… seriously – like every cell in my body reacting specifically to his touch. I tried to explain this to him, but he didn’t understand. He told me I was so sensitive it could be that way with anyone, I just had to tell them what to do. He just didn’t get what I was trying to convey.
Every time we connected in March and April it was just so intense! In May I broke it off with him. I did this because I wanted to go deeper… have a “real” relationship and he just kept pulling away. This triggered abandonment issues from my childhood (or whole life – your choice). I just didn’t want to feel so triggered. I figured he must not be right for me, so I just kept looking for other people to date. While we were not seeing each other, I did a lot of deep diving into my abandonment issues and actually was able to really bring myself a lot of understanding and healing. There was a positive outcome from being triggered. He also introduced me to a different shade or flavor of my kink that has been very healing on a lot of levels, as well as was super important for me going forward for clarifying what I really crave from kink.
All my sex adventures in May, June, July, and most of August didn’t come close to the sex with him. I kept looking for another person who could make my body respond the way he did. I reconnected with him in late August. When we connected for sex again – yet again, it was if every cell of my body was specifically wired for his touch… it’s as if I’m an instrument and he is a musician… which instantly made me want more from him again (heavy sigh). The energetic connection we had formed had gotten so strong I could feel it when he sent me energy. It’s hard to even describe in words. It took me weeks… five or six to reign in those feelings and get my head straight again.
I thought I was all better – problem solved – lets’ play. I’ve got it under control – just sex and fun…no feelings. Wrong…connecting again, the sex and the energetic connection was just as – if not more – intense… boom…” feelings” again… a big wanting of “more” and “deeper” from our “relationship”. I shared what I was feeling, and he was definitely not on the same page. He liked me but didn’t want more. I had super intense weird dreams. Dreams where I could “feel” us having sex. Some I even woke up and I could still feel him – it was bizarre. I also had super “real” feeling dreams where we talked to each other, and these conversations were super meaningful to me. This has never happened with anyone else – it has been confusing. I broke off contact with him again. It was painful to have these “feelings” for him that were not reciprocated. I meditated and cut energetic cords so I wouldn’t be able to feel him – or at least not as easily. I asked him to not even text me – it hurt my heart. I spent another five or six weeks getting my head straight again and releasing any hope of a real relationship.
Recently I decided I was okay again and let him know I was/am – he can text if he wants, it won’t hurt my heart. I’m good – I have those “feelings” dealt with/resolved/tucked away – it’s all good. I know I absolutely cannot have sex with him again… not ever… under any circumstances. But these interactions caused a lot of growth again – so it’s all positive. It also got me focused back to the “energy” side of life and how I can use it to help others more intentionally. I also really appreciate the level of clarity it brought to my kink.
The problem is – I can’t seem to duplicate the level of “energetic/cell/soul connection” with anyone else. I’ve tried since our first interaction… I approach physical encounters with an open, optimistic mind – and even if the sex is technically “good”, my body does not respond like it did with him. There is no coming alive of every cell – no energetic connection – no sense of being “wired” for someone’s touch. It’s disappointing every time. It’s frustrating. Trust me – I have tried with a lot of interactions this year… today I was thinking sex without it just a waste of time – even if the interaction is technically “perfect” … they do all the right things for the right amount of time… it’s still not good enough. Once you have had that “extra”, it’s really hard to settle for less. That makes the already tiny dating puddle even smaller. (Really heavy sigh) What does a person do about that? Now in addition to my already lengthy list of “requirements” of a partner, I need a certain flavor of kink and an energetic/psychic/soul connection beyond normal “chemistry”?!
To shift focus to the positive, I did achieve some good things this year: I got myself back “out there” into the world of the living, I did really find the end of grief from my fiancé dying, I grew as a person and overcame some issues, I made a really good friend that I know I will be friends with forever, I learned a lot, I got more of the “old” me back from where it had been lost or hiding and built a better and stronger “new “ me in some regards… I think we will call 2021 a success overall.