… still Thursday

Okay I have been “productive” enough for today. I showered and got dressed. In my “lumberjack” outfit again… that’s what my date called it the other night… I kind of took a little bit of offense. I wear black all the time. I have 36 pair of black leggings, half dozen black slacks, black jeans, another half dozen black dresses, a kazillion black tops of different styles… not to mention black jackets, sweaters, and winter coats of various styles. I feel most comfortable in black. Once in a while, I decide to wear color. When I do, I seldom make it through the entire day without changing at some point. The last few months, I have wanted a little color some days. My “lumberjack outfit”, as Hudson referred to it, is a cheerful, red plaid, feminine cut, longish shirt paired with a pair of black leggings. I thought it was cheerful and Christmas-y. No woman ever wants to be thought of as a “lumberjack” … men can be so dumb. I’m sure he didn’t mean it the way it sounded; I do know he is attracted to me. I also have a red silk blouse I wore last month to the kinky art event – worn with a short black skirt and fishnets. And… I have retired both my black robes (for the moment) and purchased a light purple one. Baby steps…

I made the bed, dealt with several (5) in-boxes with over 400 emails, paid the gas, paid the electric, paid my car payment… figured out how I plan to tackle the end of month responsibilities… sorted and disposed of all the mail, planned my next business strategies, and made myself some food – bacon wrapped filet mignon medium rare with saffron and turmeric rice. I was going to have a salad too, but the lettuce was bad. Just because I’m currently broke doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat well… besides, I already had it in the house.

I blew all the dog poo off the deck with the leaf blower (it’s really been annoying me – but it’s been so rainy the dogs won’t go all the way out into the yard) … and decided I will deal with that decision next Spring when I have to clean up the entire yard… I’ve made my “To Do” list for tomorrow and I will do the dishes in a little while. And I seemed to have fixed my shoulder issue while man-handling the heavy garbage toter to the sidewalk… I heard a ”pop” and felt relief – go figure.

So here I sit … on the couch with my laptop, in front of the fire…pondering life some more. I promised Hudson I would figure out some sort of way to accommodate our second date. Honestly, I don’t feel inspired… not sure why. I was thinking it might be because Joni Mitchell and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young didn’t help shape him, but that’s a dumb thought. When we discussed the movie “Jerry Maguire” we didn’t agree on the “you complete me” part. I feel like no one has the responsibility, obligation, or role to “complete” anyone else. We have to be “complete” on our own – a partner is just meant to “compliment” not complete. He disagreed. He couldn’t really explain why – although he is very well educated… one would think he would be able to string together some words to explain his thoughts… I guess he is just still a romantic. I grew out of it… I guess. Maybe I just need to not overthink anything and just let time tell if we have enough for a “relationship” of some kind. I am actually sharing “who I am” with him very slowly… my normal “throw the whole train at them – here I am in all my authenticity” has not worked well for me, so I have taken a different tack this time. He has no clue I write, or draw, or believe in meta-physical “things” or even that I’m on the “kinky” side… I figured those things would come up, but so far they haven’t. I also failed to share I have been white water rafting (multiple times) … I just let him share his rafting guide stories. Is this what “resignation” feels like? Just accepting “normal”… “mediocre”… and trying to feel okay about it? Or is this just what it feels like to move at a “normal” pace in the building of some sort of “relationship”?

Today I miss other places. I miss Boston… walking in the snow to shop for Christmas things… I also miss California… Christmas lights on palm trees and sandy beaches. I guess it’s that word… “Hireath”… (Welsh word roughly meaning “a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was. A deep, inborn sense of yearning for a home, a feeling, a place, or person that is beyond this plane of existence.”) It’s the same thing that makes me want to go to Ireland… It just feels like “I need to”.

Upon further thought… I want to be a romantic… but maybe that just takes the right person to be a romantic with? I want to be silly and goofy and see sweetness everywhere. One of my favorite things has always been to lay under the Christmas tree and look up… even as an adult. I haven’t done it in years though – you need a real tree for that… the smell is part of it and is has to be fairly large to be able to lay under it. The last time I did that was… I think 2008. Maybe next year. It sounds dumb but just one of the things I used to do… it felt magical. We haven’t had any snow and I have had no hot cocoa. Yep, I have half-assed the entire holiday season. Maybe there’ll be magic next year… and I will be a romantic.