This morning I was woken up earlier than usual… the thing is, not the usual way. Usually I get up when my alarm goes off, or I just wake up or the dog needs to go out. Today, my dog and I were sleeping soundly then all of a sudden she jumped out of bed and started barking. I told her to get back in bed and figured she dreamed she heard a noise. After sinking back to sleep I heard kitchen cupboards closing loudly and Tupperware being rustled around. I thought to myself – that’s rude…whichever one of the girls is up making their lunch to go to work is being very loud. I didn’t think either of them was working today…it’s Thursday… I need to remind them my bedroom is right above the kitchen. I went back to sleep. Then my bedroom door opened…slowly, gently… I have a lamp in the hall so no one has to turn on bright overhead lights to move around at night and go up and down the stairs, so the change in light was what made me wake up and see the door finish opening. I assumed at first my daughter’s dog somehow pushed it open to come in, although he usually can’t – you have to turn the knob – so he usually just waits there by the door. No dog got on the bed and mine kept sleeping under the covers not noticing. I laid there…waiting for my daughter’s dog to come for cuddles and waiting for whomever was up and making noise to come by and see the dog opened my door and close it….no one came. Finally I thought “Fuck…I need to get up and close the door…or just get up now…” So I got up. I was surprised to see my daughter’s door closed – I mean someone was in the kitchen and the dog opened my door. I went to her room and opened the door – her dog came out and she and Julia were sound asleep. I know there isn’t a burglar in the house…I have a security system and everything is locked/secure. Weird. Noises, door opening…I stopped at my room and played with the door…nope you can’t “push” it open – you have to turn the knob. I went down to the kitchen to let the dogs out and made coffee. Everything looked in order…no one had been up packing a lunch…okay fine – I have a ghost visit again. Who is it this time? Just fucking talk to me…don’t be all weird… don’t wake me up by rustling Tupperware, opening doors or the times you’ve turned on the TV full blast with no one in the room…just fucking speak. What do you need to tell me? When I was a child, I knew my stepdad’s mom had died before it was known by my parents. I knew because she came to tell me and wanted to make sure I knew that I didn’t need to be scared about it and that everything was okay. She woke me up and we had a conversation. It was important, so I went and told my parents – LOL. I don’t see them all the time like someone on TV who “talks to ghosts”, but I have on occasion seen someone I know and talked to them – but again pretty few and far between occasions. I just saw Robert the other day…now this. What the fuck? At least wait until I get up if you have something to say and then just say it… don’t be noisy and not talk.
Hope my therapist understands how weird I am… or maybe she will have me committed – LOL. My first appointment is Monday. She has an accent. I have to remember to tell her I will imitate it… it’s not on purpose. That’s what happens. If I meet with someone, or even talk on the phone with them, whatever accent they have – my ears hear it and my brain makes me imitate it… it is completely out of my control. It happens at signings too. Someone from India – halfway through the signing, I have their accent. Asia… same thing. Any country… or even different accents in America – Midwest, southern… whatever it is – I just start sounding like them. I mean no disrespect. It is not intentional. I wonder if there is a name for that… I’ve always been that way and it’s really annoying.
Work is so fucking slow. I’m really getting worried about being able to meet my financial obligations. I can’t get swept up in sorting closets, on-line workshops or playing Scrabble today… I must come up with a money solution. I am way too fucking old for this shit – life should not be like this. Maybe I should have kept that extra casino job… no… the energy was too overwhelming there. The new business I’m starting isn’t ready to give me any support yet… I do have good credit… but no one likes to loan to self-employed people… I will work on a plan today for getting through another month.
My shoulder hurts. I don’t know why. It’s been hurting for a month…maybe more. I don’t remember hurting it. Maybe lifting my very heavy ebike? Maybe that’s when it happened? I haven’t lifted it for what feels like quite some time… it’s been too cold and rainy.
My date Monday night was fine. The guy – Hudson, is nice. (I don’t have any snarky nickname for him – at least not yet). The food was good…. The movie was good… we had intelligent conversation. He is a wealth manager and also a river rafting guide – so smart and physical. He has his child the next 12 days but is trying to set up another time to meet up… I have mixed feelings about it. He is fine… not a horrible way to spend time… I even had fun walking around his neighborhood with him looking at Christmas lights while we walked his dog… it’s just missing something. Maybe that “something” will come with time? I don’t know. Meanwhile, I’m still on the dating site – although I haven’t made time lately to even check in there. Why did I waste money joining the site, then not even use it? Well, it’s there for me for another 5 ½ months should I feel inspired to get online… I did not change my profile over the weekend – I decided fuck it… if I intimidate men, so be it. (Thanks for the prod about that girlieboy69)
My older girls conferenced me about Christmas the other day. It took me a minute (or ten) to realize it’s next week already. I was thinking why are they so stressed about food and timelines then they mentioned “next Friday” and what time I should be there, and I realized… fuck – that’s Christmas Eve? That’s soon! I still haven’t put the boxes in the garage back on the shelves from getting out Christmas stuff – I thought I may put up more… now it’s almost time to pack it all away again. Yes, I did half-ass the décor this year but at least I didn’t not do it at all… I never got in touch with my inner child about it this year – the one that sees all the magic and love of the season. I guess I’ve been busy focusing on other things – can’t remember what exactly – but I’ve been busy… with other things.
It’s so dark here. Such short days. Next month I do have a week in Sedona (gift from my children) – the light should be better there… very thoughtful gift… they have no clue I’m stressed about just meeting my basic obligations… I have never been one to ask for help… besides, I am the mom – I’m supposed to have my shit together. I MUST be productive… going to put the laptop down now and get out of bed… no one is coming to save you princess – go slay your own dragons.
Sorry about the excessive use of the “F” word today. I’m working on that…