I survived Christmas. Robert loved Christmas. He decorated like crazy…every inch of the house inside and out. Christmas movies every day from Thanksgiving to New Years. When I was a kid, Christmas was unpredictable and often a disappointment. Some years I would come home from school or wake up in the morning to find the Christmas tree thrown out into the front yard after a fight between my parents. When I was raising my kids, I went out of my way to make it predictable…stable…fun… although my husband didn’t care and didn’t help… and never gave me a Christmas gift. He would say “Buy yourself something and put it under the tree from me”. When Robert came along, he made Christmas special. His Christmases also sucked as a kid growing up in the foster care system… he made Christmas good for me (and everyone he knew). He bought me amazing presents too… After he died, my kids tried to make sure I managed through Christmas the first couple of years. This year, they all had other places to be, and I was alone. I don’t mind being alone…really, I don’t… It just felt a little … odd. I stayed in bed all day and binge watched non-Christmas movies and had food delivered (cold halibut and chips…not the wisest thing to order). Today, snowed in, the theme continued…in bed, binge watching every movie on Prime, a bubble bath, and a pizza delivery. The couple of people I have actually spoken to in the last few days, I have acted like it’s no big deal. If someone says, “How are you?” Social discourse demands that you say “Good – How are you?” You cannot actually say “I’m in hibernation until it’s over”. I considered drinking the bottle of wine the neighbor left on my porch (my only Christmas gift this year)… but alcohol has never been a good solution and there is nothing sadder than a single person, alone on Christmas…drunk by herself. I did get invited by some stranger on Tinder (yes, I joined another site) to come to their house at 10pm on Christmas… No, thank you – do not need to become a Lifetime movie cautionary tale either. It’s over now. Next year will be better. I was also invited by Poly Paul to attend a “singles over 40” zoom get together. I couldn’t deal with a bunch of strangers and wasn’t going to get out of bed and brush my hair for a “pretend to be okay” holiday zoom. Besides I really had a gut feeling Poly Paul only orchestrated the entire thing to find women for himself.
I used to be kind of a badass. I was reminded of that via text today… a sweet girl texted me to say it had inspired her (thanks Marissa). I haven’t been one since Robert died. I used to make a shit ton of money, lived in a multi-million-dollar house and drove a Bentley. I used to have a staff of people to do things for me. I used to be very respected in my business and people came to me for answers and advice. I used to have goals and a business plan. The last five years, I have been stalled out. I walked away from the house. Traded in the Bentley. Let everyone go. I don’t have a plan. Don’t have goals. Haven’t kept 99.9% of my friendships going because they either couldn’t handle my grief or the drastic way my life changed. Divorce and death kill friendships… people don’t know how to “be” with you. I now live in a standard two-story rental house…no ocean view… no pool… and I drive a Prius. My regular business went completely dead the day Covid became an issue and still hasn’t come back. I truly am done grieving… but I don’t have a life either. I meditate. I do yoga. I make ends meet. But it’s not really a “life”. I guess I need to spend some time envisioning what I want my life to look like. When your partner dies, your future does too. It’s gone in an instant. I should have already figured out what I want to create for a “new” life already… I guess I was too busy grieving.
At least I have started therapy. We ended up going 1 ½ hours over our 50 minutes… she said she was enjoying talking to me. We ended up talking about energy, ghosts, her mom, her house… if she wasn’t my therapist, we could be great friends. I told her I was told by a couple people in my life that I am clearly “depressed” and I have even wondered myself if I am. After our almost 2 ½ hour conversation she concluded I am not depressed – instead I just carry around sadness. I am really not sure what the difference is. But I will go with that… I will work on letting go of sadness and quit carrying it around. She said I started collecting it when I was little, and I just keep picking up more of it to carry around. Maybe she will offer me some insight that will help me envision a life I want.
To the men I’ve met this year… and the one I liked who didn’t like me back…
Probably should want you, but I don’t
I took your number off my phone
I don’t put the blame on you
It’s not what I do
Probably should tell you, but I won’t
I could never breathe
Had my trust and you lost it
You were changing me
Had my love and you tossed it
Tried and tried to justify the things you do
And I did for a few and then,
I thought it through
I don’t miss you
Probably should hate you, but I don’t
Now and then I think of you
How you made me blue
Probably should tell you, but I won’t
You could never see
Had my trust and you lost it
Had my love and you tossed it
I thought it through
I don’t miss you
a little bit of everything... 
Yes…to think about what you want your future to feel like…that is the starting point. How it will come to pass will come to you later…but knowing what you want…there is nothing more a kick in the guts than a cherished loved one, especially the way Robert was for you. I am glad your first therapy session went well. I have found one of my therapists too to be the kind of person I would be friends with…she is my favourite. She is teaching me how to meditate, and that is well appreciated. There is no “right” way to grieve…but you are strong. It is there for the taking and you shall have it when you want it.
LikeLiked by 1 person