Another snow day

I am still snowed in… I hadn’t planned to be snowed in. I borrowed a shovel and unburied my driveway and walkway today. I remember we used to have a snow shovel. I think I gave it away during a move. I distinctly remember saying “I will not need this. If it snows, I will just hire someone to shovel.” I did venture out for a short bit and did survive without a visit to a ditch… I did not feel confident enough to accept any signing assignments though… I stayed within a 3-mile radius of home. If I had a 4-wheel drive SUV or a truck, I would have been more confident. I can’t really afford to be on a snow break… I need to make money. Now it’s snowing again…

I had another therapy appointment. It went over the 50 minutes again by another 45 minutes… she thinks, and I quote – that my life is “fascinating” – she didn’t want to stop. She hasn’t even heard it all… we aren’t even to adult years yet. She told me four or five times I should write a memoir. I’m not famous – who the fuck would want to read it? Weird thing is, she doesn’t know yet that I write. It hasn’t come up yet. The book I wrote a few years ago seems silly now. I’m actually a little embarrassed it can be found on Amazon. If I found it and read it (and wasn’t me), I would think what a naïve twit bag the author was… Some of the articles I wrote for magazines are funny. They are actually okay. When she kept saying how fascinating my life has been and how interesting and wild it was, all I could think is it would be nice if the men I meet would find me “fascinating”. Of course, they don’t ask me the questions that she does. Most people don’t really care what another person’s life has been like and don’t really try to get to know other people very much. She says that I am “amazingly resilient”. That’s something, I guess. I told her it’s not a choice. You have to get up and keep going no matter what. It doesn’t feel like there is any other choice. She said many people do not… she has to try and scrape them up from the sidewalk and put them back together… from much less life “stuff”.  I’ve never had the option of not being resilient and letting someone “pick up the pieces”. I can’t imagine what that would be like. I’m sure it is very textbook clear why, while as a grown adult, I still want and need security and some sort of loving, stable, “parental” type figure. I think it’s sad and pitiful… not “fascinating”.

Maybe I should be dating older men? No. No – no – no… let’s face it so many men in their 50’s can’t get their sexy going or keep it going, it has to be even worse with older men. Besides, a crazy majority of men in their 50’s look like shit. Death warmed over. That only gets worse with age also. The really good-looking men on the dating sites are scammers… they say they are foreign doctors or commodities traders. I see how some women can get taken in. My intuition is loud and clear… Once in a while I let one talk to me. They instantly want your phone number or to have you get on Whatsapp. The minute the syntax of their sentences starts getting screwed up, I know they are losing their polish… the scam part is starting. They have a check coming but it was delayed, they are stuck in a different country and lost their wallet… It’s actually crazy they keep trying. Hasn’t everyone figured it out? It must be successful sometimes or they would stop. There are so many of them… As far as non-scammers go, I have now decided I won’t meet anyone until they have carried on a number of intellectually stimulating conversations – LOL. It’s amazing how many men can not carry on a conversation… they quickly fall back to “Do you wear sexy underwear?” I have some, but if you want to see it you have to interest me in some way. Needless to say, as a result of this decision, I have not been out lately. I just want a good guy that is deep… and sexual… and not afraid to be “real” in a real relationship.