Prepare for random rambling about all sorts of things. I have no one to talk to, so you are elected. Our street has not been plowed or sanded. I did make it out briefly yesterday to take the girls to get their car from Les Schwab. It had to be towed for a flat fix. The main roads were okay, the side roads are still pretty bad. We stopped for tacos, and I went to the office supply on the way home. I have filled an entire sketchbook with drawings and needed another. We had to rush back home before the next snowstorm hit.
My regular escrow company has not asked for any signings since more than a week before Christmas. I haven’t taken any of the other signings from other companies because of the snow… It would stress me to my breaking point if I ended up accepting one and then found it was down a long and windy country road covered with snow and I had the pressure of needing to go home and scan docs before taking them to FedEx… all for a lower fee than I normally get for the regular company. Plus, if I end up stuck, I have the expense of getting unstuck and the expense of missing the doc deadline and being banned from that company’s approved list.
The girls are home from Portland, but I still feel very alone even with them here. I have watched far too much television… I made soup from scratch… simmered the ham bone with some seasoning then used the stock as a base for split pea soup, adding onions and diced baked ham. I made such a large amount I delivered some to the neighbor as a thank you for the wine I still haven’t drank. Not everyone likes split pea and ham, but what can you do? It’s an end of year tradition for me… not sure why… I only make it between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.
The other night the girls and I were brainstorming how to make up for money lost not being able to do our regular work. They laughingly said we should sell our dirty underwear online – there is a market for that… and dirty socks. So, what did I do? I promptly researched the sites, joined one, got a business Venmo and set up a “shop”. Only later did I find this is considered “sex work”. How is this “sex work” is what I’d like to know. Also, I have found it is a very competitive, over-saturated market and most likely the college aged women who have been doing it for a few years already are the ones who will make money… they have a following. I also discovered there are add-ons – live video chatting and stuff which is probably where the real money is and I’m not comfortable doing that (nor would anyone want to video chat with me – LOL) – I guess that pushes it into “sex work”… but at least it kept me busy for a few hours.
I wish I played an instrument. That could keep me busy for a while and be something that would make me feel some level of “passion”. Music can soothe the soul… I have played so much Scrabble on-line, I’m even bored with that… people always play the same damn words and I have reached a point where if I can’t score more than 30 points on a play or use all my tiles on one play at least once during a game, I’m disappointed.
I feel stuck. Stuck financially. Stuck personally. The couple of guys I’ve chatted with the last week from dating sites are boring me. I’m so sick of seeing old looking, overweight, bald men holding fish in their hands on the sites – I can’t stand it. I haven’t had decent sex for months. They way it looks at this moment, I may never have decent sex again…
I wish I could have a do-over. A do-over of the last 40 years. A do-over of the last 10 would even be really good. Even a do-over of the last year… I could do it better – make better choices – do things differently for a different outcome. Time is slipping away… we have a finite amount of it here.
I have no idea what to do with myself today. I suppose I should borrow the shovel again and unbury from last night’s storm. Looks like we have a whole week of more snow coming… I should have bought more 9-volt batteries. One by one the smoke detectors have all started chirping. I keep replacing batteries…I hear another one, but I think I used the last battery.
Ugh. I don’t even know what day it is… I keep having to check my phone to remind myself. It’s Thursday again. Where is my partner in life? I really want sex and conversation and kisses and cuddles…