Dominant men. That’s what is on my mind.
Firstly, as I have mentioned in this blog far too many times, it is hard to find one. While snowed in and alone over the holidays, I did manage to find a couple of “Doms” to talk to through dating sites. There are so many different expressions of dominance. This is another example in life where “One size” does not fit all (like the tights I ordered from China). There is a type of man who thinks being a “Dom” is just bossing a woman around… that is just called being an asshole. I have recently been reminded some Doms are sadists. I think some men are experimenting with the dynamic, but not quite sure how they should express it. I’ve also been reminded some men see submissives as “pathetic” (that hurts my heart). It actually takes a lot of inner strength to be submissive… strength, trust, self-awareness and courage. Some people would argue the sub is actually in control on some level because of the safe word. The power exchange of a D/s relationship is intricate… and complex… and I think it can be either very rewarding to both parties, or very damaging.
What I am looking for is so very, very… specific. I kind of have to be careful because the “submissive” part of my brain can easily adapt to make myself fit into a Dom’s expectations. But, if he isn’t the right one, I won’t be happy and I won’t stay. I need/want “containment” … a nurturing dominance… and intelligence, flexibility, playfulness, exploration, safe freedom within my expression of who I am… and love.
I had a lot of time to think about this yesterday. I woke up tired with my body hurting… I felt like I had been in a car accident or something. The first thing that comes to mind is, “Is it Covid?”, then “Is this feeling mine or is this someone else’s?” (If you are an empath, you always have to ask this) … I went back to bed to see if it would get better or worse and decide if I should be around other people. It very well could be a fibro flare-up also… I am super stressed about money and stress does trigger it. Of course, going to bed doesn’t pay the bills and won’t ease the stress, but it seems Covid is everywhere – even worse than it was – and if I’m actually sick, I don’t want to spread sickness. I had a bit of a sore throat yesterday also (but that could be allergy related), just to be safe I will get tested when I can. I keep checking but all the sites are booked to capacity, and I can’t seem to get an appointment time. The snow is over now so I need to work as much as I can – another “time out” just adds to my stress.
I met with one Dom on Wednesday. I was supposed to see him yesterday also, but then woke up feeling not quite right and had to cancel. The other is in quarantine due to Covid. Wednesday’s Dom I still have to get to know more and we have to have some deeper conversations. We might not be the right fit. Quarantine Dom may be losing interest… in me as a person anyway… he might just be thinking about sex and less in terms of a “real” relationship. Why do I really need to be in relationship? Why do I want the Yang to my Yin? Maybe I should just stay single forever… I’ve had my long-term relationships – maybe that’s it… I don’t get any more. My requirements and expectations of a partner are very high… but my commitment, love, and devotion to a partner is also very deep and unshakable when I decide to commit.
Ugh – I just read an article published by a psychological magazine talking about how unhealthy submissive behavior is. I’m tempted to write to them… Submission can be healthy in a relationship dynamic and does not need to lead to an abusive relationship! Nor does it mean we aren’t assertive or dominant in other areas of our life. It also is not a reflection of intelligence or self-esteem. Sexually, I’m wired this way. If you understand how you are wired… whatever way that is for you – personally – that is a good thing and can enhance a relationship… deepen intimacy… deepen the relationship.
I hope my therapist has her seatbelt on for this shit… we haven’t gotten this far yet. We are still in the “get to know my history” part… which is taking forever… she’s impressed with my ability to have developed excellent coping skills on my own from an early age she says. If she thinks she is building trust by always giving me compliments, she’s wrong… my INTJ brain is wary of compliments.