I’m awake at 4am… It’s been a minute since I was awake in the middle the night like this…
I think Disney did not contribute to my overall wellness as a female. Growing up with the “Wonderful World of Disney” movies made me think there would someday be a prince (or “my” prince) coming along to get me. I remember my step-dad often telling me “No one is coming in on a white stallion to rescue you”, but I secretly believed he was wrong… mistaken. My protector, my prince, my guy who would love and adore me, will show up… someday.
My husband was not him – although I tried to help him be “him”. I realize this morning; I am still holding my breath a little… still waiting…
Many times I have told myself “You have to be your own protector, rescue yourself, don’t wait for someone else…” but I am still, in some ways, waiting anyway. I blame Disney. And other lovey dovey fairytale creators.
I crave someone… someone specific… who clearly does not crave me. I wish I could get them to stay out of my thoughts and heart. It’s unhealthy, I think. I keep thinking about reaching out, then stop myself.
I have been keeping an open mind and an open heart… allowing the Universe to surprise me. I know that sounds childish, but I always – deep down – believe things will work out for the good… that wonderful things will come my way… just go with the flow and follow your heart and great things happen… I believe in magic. I believe in fate. I believe in meaningful synchronicity. Occasionally I doubt – but then revert right back to my sunny, optimistic, child-like expectations. I guess I’m having another moment of doubt. I feel like I know in my soul that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes life feels random and not very fair. (No one ever promised “fair” I guess).
Of course, Disney is not and has not been the only perpetrator of this idea. There are countless rom-coms that feed into it as well – the underlying message is “Be a good person, have faith, and the love of your life shows up”. I’m still waiting…. One might say my fiancé that died was my one that showed up – but he did not rescue me or protect me… he was a small glimpse of what I have waited for (although I did love with my whole heart unconditionally… I always do…).
I’m getting fucking old. Either I have to give up or he needs to hurry up. I am just not a quitter… it’s really hard to give up for more than a short time.
Even though I have been open… sitting here with an open heart, open mind … ready for wonderful things, and I have legitimately tried to form connections with so many people, it doesn’t seem to work. Casual encounters are shallow. Shallow doesn’t satisfy my soul. I have tried to shape people into the “prince” I’m waiting for at different times, but that has not been satisfying. It has only served to further accentuate they are not the energetic connection I want/need.
Maybe my step-dad was right… there is no prince for me. No one coming to “rescue” me, no one to protect me, no one to love me forever. No Prince Charming on his white horse. No rom-com guy showing up with cue cards to say I am perfect for them even though I’m not perfect. No one to say I “complete them” or their life. All I truly have is my dog… who thinks she is a cat most of the time… even she is confused.
Once again, I will slay my own dragons today. And try to stop waiting.