I am a fucking disaster… I should wrap my entire house, my car and myself with caution tape so people will be warned to stay away. I didn’t sleep well again… so I’m extra cranky. Just read someone else’s blog today… this one is covered in caution tape warning you to stay away.
Of course, I have to type it all out to sort it all out and feel a tiny bit better. First of all… my frightening financial situation… My real estate business has been dead for a while – thanks to Covid and the moratoriums on evictions and foreclosures (since that is my specialty for the last 20+ years) … it shows hope of coming back but it hasn’t yet. Secondly my notary loan signing business has been struggling since mid-November… thanks to the recent Covid variant and the holidays. I have to pay the bills… I don’t have a safety net of any kind. I tried the “panty business”, that was a bust… although I’m still there just in case (you never know if some rich person is going to come out of nowhere with a sudden need for my panties…). I just started a laundry service (free pick-up and delivery, wash/dry/fold – called “Undomesticated laundry” – either because their laundry needs taming or they want to be freed up to be wild with their time – their choice in perception) … got a client last night who has been waiting for a long time for their ordered machines which are stuck in transit and they need tons of laundry help – then they changed their mind this morning. Most likely they mentioned to someone I was coming to get all their dirty clothes this morning and whomever they were talking to probably said “don’t pay a stranger, I will do it for you”. I am freaking the fuck out. What does a person do when they have no parents, grandparents, no significant other, have used up all their savings and are “self-employed” so no one will lend to them? Covid is killing me, and I haven’t even had the virus. Oh – and employment security wants their money back from the brief period of time they gave it to me because of Covid affecting my income as a self-employed person because I “didn’t look for work the right way”. I’m buying groceries on credit and have no way to pay my car payment or rent… it’s fucking pathetic at my age, and I’m embarrassed. I would go bag groceries somewhere but after they take out for taxes, I still won’t be able to meet my basic needs… which is terrible. Plus, my daughter is depending on me to keep a roof over her head…. a head that has a tumor and according to this week’s MRI it has gotten larger. That’s weighing heavy on my mind…
Next issue… love life. Anyone who reads this blog knows how miserably I am failing at that… Quarantine guy is finally out of quarantine, and I am teaching him how to be a Daddy Dom (where is the fucking face slap emoji when you need it??) … heavy sigh. (If you happen to be reading this quarantine guy – sorry for calling you that and sorry for complaining… I told you I am very honest…welcome to my world). I need something I don’t have… this energetic connection… fuck me… (not literally – keep it in your pants quarantine guy).
I feel stuck. I feel lost. I keep getting myself unstuck and unlost just to become that way again. I’m tired of it. (If you read this blog, I feel you. You are tired too.)
So, this whole INTJ thing vs INFJ thing… They can be somewhat similar – I just figured I was well adjusted for an INTJ, but the INFJ really answers a lot of questions and inconsistencies. I can be so dumb… for a smart person.
For your benefit – but mostly mine (for future reference) here are the details about the INFJ personality… (along with an occasional comment). Quoted from multiple sources that I should list, but I don’t feel like it… sorry.
INFJs are creative nurturers with a strong sense of personal integrity and a drive to help others realize their potential. (This is true – hence my teaching peers, always trying to encourage others to live up to their potential and leading teams in real estate and the non-profit humanitarian organization…) Creative and dedicated, they have a talent for helping others with original solutions to their personal challenges.
They have a unique ability to intuit others’ emotions and motivations and will often know how someone else is feeling before that person knows it himself. They trust their insights about others and have strong faith in their ability to read people. Although they are sensitive, they are also reserved; the INFJ is a private sort and is selective about sharing intimate thoughts and feelings. (Except here in this blog… lucky you)
INFJs are guided by a deeply considered set of personal values. They are intensely idealistic and can clearly imagine a happier and more perfect future. They can become discouraged by the harsh realities of the present, but they are typically motivated and persistent in taking positive action, nonetheless. The INFJ feels an intrinsic drive to do what they can to make the world a better place. (Maybe why I do random stuff for homeless people?)
INFJs want a meaningful life and deep connections with other people. They do not tend to share themselves freely but appreciate emotional intimacy with a select, committed few. Although their rich inner life can sometimes make them seem mysterious or private to others, they profoundly value authentic connections with people they trust. (“Profoundly” is an understatement since authentic connections are so rare).
INFJs often appear quiet, caring and sensitive, and may be found listening attentively to someone else’s ideas or concerns. They are highly perceptive about people and want to help others achieve understanding. INFJs are not afraid of complex personal problems; in fact, they are quite complex themselves, and have a rich inner life that few are privy to. (Be thankful you aren’t privy to all my bullshit). They reflect at length on issues of ethics and feel things deeply. Because INFJ people initially appear so gentle and reserved, they may surprise others with their intensity when one of their values is threatened or called into question. Their calm exterior belies the complexity of their inner worlds. (Bet I don’t really look calm today… she says as she paces and moves random objects)
Because INFJs are such complex people, they may be reluctant to engage with others who might not understand or appreciate them and can thus be hard to get to know (even when we do “engage” no one understands us… really…). Although they want to get along with others and support them in their goals, they are fiercely loyal to their own system of values and will not follow others down a path that does not feel authentic to them (Yep). When they sense that their values are not being respected, or when their intuition tells them that someone’s intentions are not pure, they are likely to withdraw (more than “likely” … I will and do).
Personal values include Spirituality, Learning, and Community Service.
Popular hobbies for the INFJ include writing, art appreciation, cultural events, reading, socializing in small, intimate settings, and playing or listening to music.
Key INFJ Characteristics
- Compassionate: With their strong sense of intuition and emotional understanding, INFJs can be soft-spoken and empathetic. This does not mean that they are pushovers, however. They have deeply held beliefs and an ability to act decisively to get what they want.
- Helper: While they are introverted by nature, people with this personality type can form strong, meaningful connections with other people. They enjoy helping others, but they also need time and space to recharge.
- Idealist: What sets the INFJ apart is their ability to translate their idealism into action. They don’t just dream about changing the world—they make it happen.
- Organized: People with this personality type like to exert control by planning, organizing, and making decisions as early as possible.
- Both emotional and logical: When making decisions, INFJs place a greater emphasis on their emotions than objective facts. But this doesn’t mean they see the world through rose-colored glasses. INFJs understand the world, both the good and the bad, and hope to be able to make it better.
- Sensitive to the needs of others (I really am a nice person)
- Highly creative and artistic
- Focused on the future
- Values close, deep relationships (More than you can imagine)
- Enjoys thinking about the meaning of life (*has to think about it… no choice)
- Can be overly sensitive (Especially when in the dating wild)
- Sometimes difficult to get to know (Does anyone ever really know us?)
- Can have overly high expectations (I think they are reasonable…)
- Stubborn (and obstinate, ornery…)
- Dislikes confrontation (I would debate this, but that would be confrontational)
INFJs tend to rely more on four primary cognitive functions:
Dominant: Introverted Intuition
- This means that they tend to be highly focused on their internal insights.
- Once they have formed an intuition about something, they tend to stick to it very tightly, often to the point of being single-minded in their focus.
- Because of this, they are sometimes viewed as being stubborn and unyielding.
Auxiliary: Extraverted Feeling
- This characteristic of this type makes INFJs highly aware of what other people are feeling, but it means they are sometimes less aware of their own emotions. (Truth)
- INFJs sometimes struggle to say no to other people’s requests for this reason. They are so attuned to what other people are feeling that they fear causing disappointment or hurt feelings. (I’ve gotten so much better at this)
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
- INFJs make decisions based on ideas and theories that they form based on their own insights.
- INFJs rely primarily on their introverted intuition and extroverted feeling when making decisions, particularly when they are around other people. When they are alone, however, people with this personality type may rely more on their introverted thinking.
- In stressful situations, an INFJ might try to rely on emotions when making decisions, especially if it means pleasing other people (I’ve trained myself to go to logic instead). Under less stressful conditions, however, an INFJ is more likely to rely more on their intuition.
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing
- While this is a less developed and largely unconscious aspect of the INFJ, it does have an impact on personality.
- This aspect of personality helps INFJs pay attention to the world around them and stay aware of their surroundings.
- Extroverted sensing also helps INFJs better live in the present moment, rather than simply worrying about the future.
- This aspect of personality also helps INFJs appreciate physical activities such as hiking and dancing. (Appreciating and doing it – in a coordinated looking manner – are two very different things…)
- INFJs also have a talent for language and are usually quite good at expressing themselves. They have a vivid inner life, but they are often hesitant to share this with others except for perhaps those closest to them. While they are quiet and sensitive, they can also be good leaders. Even when they don’t take on overt leadership roles, they often act as quiet influencers behind the scenes.
- INFJs are driven by their strong values and seek out meaning in all areas of their lives including relationships and work. People with this type of personality are often described as deep and complex. They may not have a huge circle of acquaintances, but their close friendships tend to be very close and long-lasting.
- INFJs are interested in helping others and making the world a better place. They tend to be excellent listeners and are good at interacting with people which whom they are emotionally close and connected. While they care deeply about others, INFJs tend to be very introverted and are only willing to share their “true selves” with a select few. After being in social situations, INFJs need time to themselves to “recharge.”
Because they are reserved and private, INFJs can be difficult to get to know. They place a high value on close, deep relationships and can be hurt easily, although they often hide these feelings from others. Interacting with an INFJ involves understanding and supporting their need to retreat and recharge. People with this personality type sometimes feel misunderstood.
INFJs have an innate ability to understand other people’s feelings and enjoy being in close, intimate relationships. They tend to flourish best in romantic relationships with people with who they share their core values. As a partner, it is important to provide the support and emotional intimacy that an INFJ craves. Sincerity, honesty, and authenticity are all traits that the INFJ appreciates in their partner.
Signs You’re an INFJ
1. From a young age, you felt different from the people around you.
Even if you had plenty of friends, you never felt like you truly fit in. Sometimes you faked being more like them so they would accept you. This is normal for an INFJ, because we need a sense of community and harmony with those around us.
2. You want to know what’s REALLY going on in people’s lives…
…not just trivial stuff like what they did this weekend or what they bought on their latest shopping trip. You want to dig deep and get at the things that no one else sees. What does the person in front of you really think? How does this person really feel? The fake facade they put up for other people doesn’t fool you. (It bores the fuck out of me)
You feel more comfortable having a loose plan for things than you do completely winging it.
4. You’re social, but…
You can be both incredibly shy, quiet, and withdrawn, as well as charming, fun, and hilarious. For an INFJ, it’s all about the situation, your mood, and energy levels — and most important, the people you’re with.
5. How you handle problems
When someone comes to you with a problem, you usually don’t give them advice or your opinion unless they ask. Instead, you ask them questions to help them better understand the situation and their own feelings about it. Sometimes you tell a story of a time when something similar happened to you, in the hope that they’ll draw their own lesson. You feel like you can usually see the path they should take, but you don’t want them to do it just because you told them to — you want it to be their decision. This is why INFJs are often considered natural advice-givers and counsellors.
6. There are limits to your introversion
You are an introvert, and you like alone time, but you can’t be alone for too long. Eventually you need to reunite with your people. “Your people” are a handful of good friends who truly get you (mostly my adult children). Deep conversations with these people are priceless and hanging out with them can actually boost your energy.
7. The door slam
You’ve been known to suddenly cut people out of your life when they’ve hurt you one too many times. It’s not that you enjoy cutting people out, rather, you do this simply to protect yourself. Even though you may look like you have it together on the outside, you’re extremely sensitive inwardly, and you’re especially sensitive to other people’s words and actions.
8. You can be a people-pleaser
Sometimes you try so hard to make other people happy that you forget to make yourself happy. This is likely one of the biggest problems you’ll struggle to overcome.
You often feel like you see precisely what someone else is feeling, and you believe you know what they need deep down. You’re not always right, but you tend to be more perceptive than most.
10. You have a destiny
You feel like you’re destined for so much more than just dragging yourself to your 9-5 job to pay the bills. You want to help people and change the world — not just get a paycheck. The problem is you either don’t know what your “glorious purpose” is, or you have an inkling, but you don’t know how to achieve it.
11. Always striving
You almost always have this sinking feeling like you could be doing better with your life. This results in you constantly have secret self-improvement projects going on, like learning how to cook healthy meals, setting better boundaries, or getting better at articulating yourself. Sometimes you push yourself too hard as you attempt to achieve your “perfect” life.
12. Your defense mechanism
Sometimes you turn to people-pleasing to protect yourself. You’re sensitive, so you can get really bothered when someone criticizes you or is disappointed in you. They can’t criticize you if you make them happy (even if you don’t mean to criticize, I will carry it around in my heart and beat myself up with it).
13. You sense things
You often immediately sense the mood of a room when you walk into it. Likewise, you often absorb the feelings of the people around you. If they’re excited, you get excited. If they’re anxious, you get anxious, too. You tend to gravitate toward calm, centered people so you don’t have to deal with as much emotional garbage. (So completely true)
14. Nothing but class
You’re drawn to high-quality things, like good food, nice clothes, and anything else that has good craftsmanship. As much as you hate to admit it, the way things look is important to you. You like being surrounded by beauty, and you tend to have sophisticated, refined tastes. But you’re a minimalist at heart. You’d rather have one or two really nice shirts than ten mediocre ones. (Yes!)
15. Your secret feelings
You care deeply about the people in your life, but they’ll probably never know just how much you care, because you keep your feelings mostly to yourself. You can have trouble articulating your emotions, even though you feel them intensely. And when this personality type falls in love with someone, they fall hard. They prefer long-term, lasting romantic relationships as opposed to casual encounters. However, sometimes things just don’t work out, and an INFJ is forced to move on. This is not because they are callous or cold-hearted. It takes a lot for the private and sensitive INFJ to open up and be vulnerable with another person. They crave deep connections and strive for the ideal romance. This may seem unrealistic to some other personality types, but INFJs possess a unique balance of idealism and realism. They want a great relationship, and will do whatever it takes to build one — but only with the right person.
16. You care… a lot
You’re usually thoughtful, conscientious, and considerate. Other people who are not as conscientious can seem callous and even cruel.
17. Books, please!
You love learning, especially when it comes to psychology, self-improvement, spirituality, and certain sciences.
18. Your head is way beyond the clouds
When everyone else is gossiping, discussing celebs, or talking about other trivial things, you often find yourself thinking about outer space, time travel, human nature, the meaning of life, and other more epic topics. You rarely try to steer the conversation in that direction, though, because you don’t think other people will be interested.
19. You never stop striving
You feel compelled to get things done. You often write to-do lists, and you enjoy checking things off them. If you don’t have a goal to work toward, after a while, you feel lost and bored.
20. You do six impossible things before breakfast
When you’re passionate about something, it feels like nothing can stand in your way. The INFJ motto is, “The impossible takes just a little bit longer.” (Yep – sometimes you just have to work a little harder)
21. You didn’t ask to be like this
Other people see you as wise, insightful, and almost spiritual. They often come to you for advice and emotional support. You relish your role as the “wise one,” and you like being needed. But sometimes it becomes too much. You’re an introvert, for crying out loud, and sometimes you just wish everyone would solve their own problems and leave you alone for a while. (If I’m so “wise” and fucking “insightful”, why am I such a train wreck?)
There you have it… way too much information about the INFJ personality. At least I gave you things to be thankful for… a “normal” personality, a job that actually pays you money… and you probably slept all night and have a significant other. You’re welcome… happy to be of service and make you feel better about your life because it isn’t mine. I’m a hot mess. (Or more precisely an only sometimes “hot” mess. But for sure a mess. I need my nails done and my roots are showing too.) If you have an INFJ in your life, be kind to them today. (I will be out finding another roll of caution tape… or “Crime scene – do not cross” tape)
One thought on “A not hot mess”
I’m an INFP so I recognise a lot of these traits (and problems). I just try to appreciate the fact that I feel things so intensely.
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