Sleepless in Seattle (Suburbs)

Another mostly sleepless night… but I was too tired to bake or drive… now I have to start my Monday exhausted. I have a pit in my stomach too. I’m not sure why. It’s that “something is wrong” feeling. I do have a lot of stress…

I spent the hours I should have been sleeping going over in my mind all the dates and interactions I’ve had in the last year. I keep looking for this “energetic connection” I felt with someone… I can’t seem to find it anywhere. It makes me feel frustrated. I dreamed about it during the brief time I did sleep. I think I need to stop looking. Maybe I just resign myself to the situation of being alone forever. Sex… even a kiss… or a simple “being together” is not as good without it. The thing is, even if I had “energetic connection” guy, I don’t think we really have anything in common – except the energy. I don’t know why finding a partner has to be so hard…

I guess the only solution is to just focus on myself and my life (geez – that’s a lot of “me” in one sentence). I need to forget about dating. Just build the life I want for my “alone” self, I guess. I’m getting old too… I need to come to terms with the fact maybe sex will no longer be a thing I get to have, even though I love it. I do know that if I ignore the desire for sex, it will go dormant… it just takes time. I will have to refocus that energy, like I have in the past, to other things. I know I said the other day I wasn’t going to give up, but I’m tired. It shouldn’t be this much work. The Universe should just deliver what I have requested… easy peasy.

I have therapy today. I don’t even feel like it today. Also, I feel like I am helping her more than she is helping me… and I’m the one paying. I’m helping her change the energy of her home and I’m helping her understand how one “becomes resilient” (my forte) and “chooses to be happy” regardless of circumstance (something I usually have a great handle on) so she can help other people more effectively. I don’t have experience with therapy. Is it supposed to be for the benefit of the therapist sometimes? She thinks I should write books. I told her I already have one on Amazon and I am now embarrassed by it because I have grown so much past that point I was at when I wrote it, and it just seems naïve. She made the point that that perception is normal… and the book is appropriate for someone at that stage who needs those words, then they can move forward to other things like I have. She suggested a sequel or a series. Unfortunately (or fortunately – your choice), I only seem to be inspired to write erotica right now (maybe if one can’t have fantastic sex right now, one writes it?).

I just got a text from the dude who wanted to marry me… “I see you don’t wanna talk to me. I won’t bother you anymore.” Holy cow… I told him I was busy working yesterday and I can’t take anything seriously when we haven’t met yet. Fucking passive aggressive baby. He had said he would have time to meet me when he finished building the house he is building. (I know what you’re thinking. I was thinking the same thing…). I did blog from the road (which he knows nothing about), so technically I had time to talk to him – I guess I didn’t really want to. Whatever. I’m not even going to respond… he can go ahead and “not bother me anymore” and I will resist the urge to tell him “wanna” is not a word.

I need to move… I need a change of scenery… but I signed a two year lease in September. I’m stuck here. I miss West Seattle (I still don’t miss the broken bridge). I want to go to Ireland. Maybe my partner is in Ireland. – Oh yeah… not going to look anymore. He will have to come find me. Quora needs to quit sending me shit about “twin flames” and other sappy bullshit. I do not think one soul would take up two bodies. People just need excuses for why things happen. I need a nap.