What if?

Trying to fall asleep, it occurred to me… What if I am forgetting how you touched me? … barely remember the way your fingers moved in soft circles on my skin. What if I am forgetting the feeling of your domination? … it had become my breath … and now I can’t even remember the way you kiss. What if I no longer long for you when I drive by the places that we met? … they are just places now. At first they were our special places and times, then were embarrassing reminders and slaps in the face every time I drove by… because – to you… it wasn’t anything. Now they are nothing… history is all. What if I don’t dream about you anymore? Don’t hardly even dream at all. What if I’ve almost forgotten those energy waves?… and no longer even want to submit to anyone. What if my heart has been bricked over and I no longer feel anything at all? What if I just don’t care anymore?… will never again ask someone what I can do to please them… I feel myself changing. A little more each day… becoming someone different… no longer soft. I hadn’t realized how fragile I was when we met. I can’t afford to be that way again.  I feel a million years older today than I was a year ago … back when I was so open and trusting and we talked in the middle of the night … I shared myself with no restraint – fully vulnerable… and we imagined snuggling in to put each other to sleep. You probably have another punkin/honey/babygirl now. Those words have lost their power over me. I have no more childish hope or wonder… no more giggly joy. Full realization you never really intended to give me a chance… I was just a toy… no one special to you. Nothing but brick today. What if I forget everything about you?… I almost already have.

Maybe I won’t write anymore… I have no pearls of wisdom, no insights… no voice. I have nothing to say… to anyone.