No Namaste Today

What a crazy week… 18-hour days of non-stop going. I’m not complaining… I have done this for years before, just not lately… When I’m not busy prospecting for new business and doing signings, I’m still on this disaster response and now also have a second one in progress. All day I have been trying to prevent 82 people from being homeless tomorrow morning… I think I have it covered now – almost secured. It’s hard enough for people to recover from a big fire event and all that it does to their life without the added stress of nowhere to sleep.

I did take a little time the other night to try and do my therapy homework – “find feelings in my body and see what they have to say” (sounds stupid as fuck to me – but I’m trying…). I got nothing. Silence. No feelings waiting to be felt. Just thoughts. Not a single fucking feeling. What does that mean? Maybe I process all my “feelings” through blogging so there isn’t anything backed up and stuck that needs to be “felt, processed and released”? That night I did dream about sex… but that’s not really a “feeling” – LOL. I seem to feel more when I am meditating and doing yoga every day and/or being a softer version of myself– which I haven’t had time for lately… last night I ended up falling asleep with my air pods still in. I’ve been on the phone so much I didn’t realize I still had them in… no time for “heart centering and namaste”. I am an “achiever” (per the enneagram – LOL) though and I don’t like not completing my “homework”.

I did realize in the shower this morning that I am allowing someone I no longer see to still take up real estate in my head and my heart. That’s not good. Real estate is valuable – even if it isn’t dirt and structure, but just “space” in me. (…Is that technically a “feeling”?) I’m not a child. I should be able to move on. But somehow, they are always in my thoughts… hanging out on the edge… in the peripheral vision… sometimes I get them gone for a moment and think “good – done”, then they are back in my thoughts a day later. It’s almost the one-year anniversary of meeting them… It’s fucked up.

Maybe it’s just my terrible MBTI personality type that makes me not let go… although there are so many people I have completely “let go of” the moment I decided to. (Including the comet – who is now blocked so I can never be tempted again).

The one benefit of managing disasters again is it makes me feel less powerless. I can usually see the clear path for responses and managing all the moving parts and the path for people to get in a good place again. It takes the focus off of where I am… and I start acting like I used to more – just moving forward not “stuck”.  I even managed to make beef bourguignon while on the phone with disaster responders, clients, and emergency management – which felt like old times, when life was more in control – able to efficiently multi-task… and made the house smell amazing.

I have devoted zero time to dating this month (*correction – one date… the boring AF one where I never got dinner). That’s probably a good thing. Maybe I should just stay in “time out”. Now that we are physically – in person – responding to disasters again, maybe I will see Captain Joe again… he asked me out to breakfast 2 years ago after a fire we worked together… I said “not this time” not realizing he was actually asking me out until I was driving home. I’m obtuse sometimes. I was tired. For that call, I had been pulled out of bed in the middle of the night for 158 units and hadn’t even decided to date again yet. Nah… I won’t focus on any “dating” direction. The Universe will have to just send me the right person. It’s weird to be responding in person again instead of virtually. Pretty soon the mask mandate will be done and then I will have to go back to being careful what my face says… I have kind of liked that part of the masking – no one being able to see what my face says when I’m not paying attention to it.

Now that I have everyone sheltered for the night and all emergency needs met for the day I can go back to working on my business. Researching… so I know where I need to be and who the players will be… reading recorded documents and notices of Trustee sales.

I have to get back to my “sharkier” instincts. Quit playing around in sunshine and rainbows/empath/sweetness/”we are all divine energy” bullshit. No more softness. Walls up – heart of brick – down to business… (No wonder I can’t find my feelings… I’m such a fucked up contradiction of stuff).