Dazed and Confused

I had a very busy, but productive week. The current response operations are coming to a close, and I’m feeling pretty damn optimistic about work. Last night, after being busy for 14 hours straight, it occurred to me that although I have decided not to go looking for love – it can’t find me if I’m in my home office on my computer all day and night… so what’s a girl to do? Put herself out there – right? So, I spent from 10pm until shortly after midnight messaging with random dudes on dating sites… again. LOL.

At least I am discerning…way more discerning than I was previously. I have learned a lot and clarified with myself my standards. I require a lot. I won’t allow myself to be sucked into a physical thing anymore just because I love sex. I also won’t be at the other end of the spectrum and spend so much time on the intellectual connection that I fail to realize the person I am interacting with is asexual or nonsexual or too rigidly vanilla or has no drive (like the guy who turned out to be a cross-dresser). I don’t want just a physical connection with no emotional intimacy or emotional intimacy with no great physical connection.

The trouble is… the guys. They build enough trust to get your number – then boom dick pics arrive. And in last night’s case – a full video of him pleasuring himself. It left me a little bit dazed. For starters… if a woman doesn’t specifically ask you for these things, don’t send them. It’s not consensual… and she can’t “unsee” them. This is the same type of man that would not wait for consent before sex, push himself on her, and then blame the woman because she had a vagina and came within 3 feet – therefore “wanted him”.

Secondly… help me out here… why do some men say things like “you want this you little bitch?” or “you’re gonna get this you hot little cunt”. That is so not sexy to me. Even if hypothetically, we were on the same page and I was thankful to see your genitalia unannounced, what is supposed to turn me on by being called names? Never mind that “gonna” is still not a word (one of my regular pet peeves). This is not the first time this particular thing has played out exactly like this. It seems to be a “thing” with guys that are somewhat age-appropriate. Last night’s guy was admittedly 10 years younger than me…

Now I’ve had to spend time today deleting a ton of email notifications about the messages that came in last night as well as blocking the dud (“dud” was a typo – was trying to say “dude”, decided to leave it… because “dud” is appropriate) that got my number. Another wanted it too – but I decided to wait- having just been gifted the aforementioned visual display. Don’t get me wrong – pics and videos, as well as phone sex can be great under the right circumstances. You just can’t jump there with no foundation. It has to be part of something bigger and deeper… more like an occasional small bag of chips. (Uh oh… feel more food references coming on…)

I can promise one thing… a situationship starting out with a masturbation video is doomed from the start to be anything real or meaningful. A quote I try to live by is, “Submit to love without thinking.” (Rumi) But I am quite sure Rumi never got unsolicited videos. I am completely done with things that are not real or meaningful.

What I seek is unconditional love with someone I like enough to want to spend my time with… that beautiful, soul satisfying partnership where everything just flows… I just have to find someone I like enough who likes me back enough (part of “liking them enough” also includes sexual chemistry and compatibility…).

Per Wikipedia, “Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism or complete love. Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging.”

Per Mark Manson (Author), “Unconditional relationships are relationships where both people respect and support each other without any expectation of something in return. To put it another way, each person in the relationship is primarily valued for the relationship itself—the mutual empathy and support—not for their job, status, appearance, success, or anything else. Unconditional relationships are the only real relationships. They cannot be shaken by the ups and downs of life. They are not altered by superficial benefits and failures. If you and I have an unconditional friendship, it doesn’t matter if I lose my job and move to another country, or you get a sex change and start playing the banjo—you and I will continue to respect and support each other. The relationship is not subjected to the coolness economy where I drop you the second you start hurting my chances to impress others. And I definitely don’t get butthurt if you choose to do something with your life that I wouldn’t choose.” Here is where you can read more Mark Manson articles – (I usually resonate with what he has to say) https://markmanson.net/

Of course, my need for sex is an ongoing issue… I’ve been trying to stuff that genie back in the bottle. I’m really trying my best not to eat too much Ben and Jerry’s to help stave off that urge. Nobody loves me better right now than them… When I do meet Mr. Emotionally Available, that I like enough to unconditionally love and adore, I don’t want to be too much woman for him… literally. Which reminds me… the other day on my way out of the supermarket (with more ice cream in my bag), a group of young men (Late teens – early 20’s) were standing on the sidewalk. One of them looked me dead in the eyes and said “hmmm… fuckolicious”. Is this a pickup line these days or a joke? I’m confused.

So, there you have it… the weekend has just begun, and I’m already dazed and confused. Oh wait… that is a song. I haven’t heard it for a long time. Zeppelin coming out to play…