Deeply conflicted

I have an internal conflict today, so I have to spew it all out on virtual paper to sort it out.

The situation is… I have had feelings for someone for quite a while. I get them under control, stifled… then they come back. It’s all in my own mind. I know that it is. He just touched a nerve. Some sort of energetic nerve. And I can’t seem to shake it off no matter how hard I try. I have seen so many other people since then in an effort to try to sort it out. Thursday was the one-year anniversary of when we met. I told myself if he didn’t text me, then he isn’t aware and therefore further confirms I was nothing special to him. He did not.

Sometimes I wake up thinking – “That’s it… he lost his chance with me… I am done with him”. Then later I want him. Is it just because people want what they can’t have? I have only seen him three times since April. We had sex a lot in March and April of last year. With each new guy I meet, I look for that energetic “thing”. It’s not there. Twice I had it for a fleeting moment with someone else – then gone. We probably don’t really have anything real in common with each other. No basis for anything real, meaningful, and lasting – I’m just “stuck” because of this energetic “pull”.

I have dates scheduled all weekend. Part of me wants to cancel them. One guy, I know for sure I will end up having sex with. But will it be empty and meaningless, and will I regret it? One more feeble attempt at finding the energetic connection I had with the other guy. Why does life have to be so messy?

Right now, I have such a strong urge to text the guy I still have recurring “feelings” for and see if by chance he is open to fucking… I’d like to know if there is still an energetic “thing” or if it’s gone. If it’s gone, I can really let it go. If it’s not, I would set myself up for heartbreak for another six months or more. That is… if he is even open to meeting again. He is aware of my recurring “feelings” and they make him uncomfortable. He probably never even thinks about me…

I “should” just bury myself in work. Close off to any physical or emotional connections. Keep working on myself. But I am a very physical person… and I really need human touch and sex… and the kink that I can’t get just anywhere… (Maybe my therapist was wrong… I shouldn’t have been moved to once a month… I clearly have “issues”. They are deep and they are dark – LOL).

Fuck. I don’t know what to do. And how unfair to the guys I have dates with this weekend. They may not even have a fair chance. Another reason to cancel them. Ugh. I don’t have any answers. Maybe I need to work out. Really hard. All day. And clean the garage. Sort that mess… maybe that would bring clarity. Prepare for way too much information… I can’t even get myself off lately because I refuse to think about him while I do… therefore I can’t. I can’t find something else sexy to think about, so I end up thinking about work and give up. That really sucks. Maybe a date with someone would help that?

What do I do? Bury my head in my business and generating more? Get on my exercise bike for 20 miles of riding? Clean the garage? Go back to bed and try to sleep my way through it? Go on the scheduled dates? Text the man I really want to fuck? Grab the Ben and Jerry’s safely tucked in the freezer? What do I do?