In my real life, very few people know about my blog. It is a very private journey. I make a choice to make it public on the off chance something in it helps another person in some way, … but rarely invite someone from “real life” to have access. Being that totally open and vulnerable is scary. And not everyone in my life should have access to all my thoughts, feelings, and details of personal growth… not everyone can be trusted with it nor should have that much intimate knowledge about me… but meaningful (or potentially meaningful) connections we should be open and “real” with. But is sure feels uncomfortable. Every time I have granted someone from real life access, it makes me very anxious. Not at first (that amnesia problem I have where I forget things I already knew), I extend it in sincerity so they can know me or make fun of me – with me – at dating debacles, then afterward – the anxiety hits. What if I have exposed too much of myself? or my intentions are misunderstood? or they think I am horrible in some way? That is something I have been struggling with the past couple of days.
I have to remind myself of a few things… I am allowed to be authentic. Anyone who sees it in a negative light, or has negative judgements about my honest inner workings, should not be allowed to make me feel like I should close off. It’s okay if not everyone understands me or appreciates my honesty. They haven’t walked in my shoes… but it sure is an uncomfortable, vulnerable feeling. So… trying to breathe deeply and let it go… it’s okay (right?)… everything is okay. I’m just typing to calm myself.
Real connection with others is important. Authentic connection is precious. I’m trying to keep an open heart, an open mind and just see where it goes. Truth, honesty, complete openness and transparency is what is required in real connections and in truly honoring of each other’s souls. I can be intimate with my readers… you don’t know me – although you know me better than anyone… I just won’t bump into you at Met Market (at least not that I will be aware of).
Some may see me as naïve, but I will continue to willfully reject irony. I want to just be simple and sincere. It’s okay if that makes other people uncomfortable or if they don’t understand it. Right?
On other fronts… I’m getting ready to go out of town. There must be some law about everyone wanting things from you when you are getting ready to leave… I don’t know the name of it, but I am certain it exists. My phone has been ringing all day with requests – “one more thing before you leave town”… if this keeps up I won’t be able to properly pack. My daughter and her partner are out of town already – so I just got the call I need to pick Lohan up from jail tomorrow morning. He is being released pending sentencing now – turns out it was against the rules for him to be immediately remanded into custody on the charge he was found guilty on – which is good, he needs some doctor visits and medications for his cancer. Hopefully he may get a chance to file an appeal.
Great… now I have a disaster response also… have to go – I’m the closest responder. I may have to come back and finish these thoughts later.