I have a lot to unpack here today (both mentally and physically). I have been out of town… it was a girl’s trip – it was fun… but I am also a person who requires alone time (probably too much of it) so I have a level of internal exhaustion. Plus being around a lot of people and crowds, especially energetically charged people (both positively and negatively) is extra exhausting to me. Why do I always forget to put up some shields or energetically protect myself in those kinds of environments until it’s too late? (There is that recurring amnesia again…) I’m not complaining. All the people I came across are still hanging out in my mind a little… I am deciding not to think about them – just let them pass through. It must be the “writer” in me… I observe too much… and think too much. Overall, it was a good thing to get away and connect deeply with the girls I was with, I’m just a little drained now.
I did sleep for about 10 hours, which is really good. And I have control of my environment again, which is really good. I will get rested and organized today – that also, is really good. Later I will figure out how to get the coffee out of my Luis Vuitton. My laptop was in there too… so I have random coffee drops I keep finding on and in that as well – even though I have wiped it down numerous times. Somehow the taxi driver’s elbow knocking my coffee into my bag is really bugging me… “Sorry ‘bout that” doesn’t really cover the feeling of internal despair for a person who likes to keep their things nice and it being a $2k bag…. So what is the Universe trying to tell me? Relax? Go with the flow? Don’t drink coffee in a tiny car on the way to the airport? Don’t be so attached to material things and my control over things in general? Of course, I was gracious about it… that’s what I do… I never freak out or raise my voice about things… I did mutter a very soft “fuucck”… I still tipped him as if nothing happened… Why is it bothering me so much? A bag is meant to be used. It will over time get dirty or stained. No one did it on purpose. I need to let it go. It was just the cherry on top of a mounting energetic “ick”… followed by my video entertainment not working the first 2/3rds of the flight – just another reminder “you are not in control… go with the flow” testing my resolve to be a patient and understanding person… and so much turbulence on that flight making me ask myself “If I die today, am I okay with that?”. I was at peace with it – although don’t feel I have lived out my life’s purpose yet… so I’m glad the plane stayed in the air until it was supposed to safely land in Seattle. Alive with a bag full of coffee.
I will go to the gym today. That will be good. I have recently been going again. I could not risk it in the past two years with an immune compromised person in the house. I feel like I can now… I still mask and of course sanitize… I need the equipment. I don’t really discuss my body much. There are things I want to work on fitness wise – not for the world but for me. I did spend the majority of my life pretty disconnected from my body… and working too many hours and under too much stress and putting everyone and everything ahead of myself… better late than never to course correct I guess. I do know in the last decade I have become more comfortable being “in” my body and more accepting of it’s flaws.
I have a first date tomorrow. I am trying to be calm about it. God knows I have had a lot of first dates in the last year… but this one is kind of different. We have talked for hours. Every conversation is a couple of hours… the time just flies by. We connect mentally very well. If nothing else, we may have found friendship and maybe even a writing partnership… which in itself, (the writing part) is both exciting and scary. I write with my own distinctive “voice”. Can I write someone else’s “story” without too much of my own voice? Should I? I like the challenge…
Then of course when you connect with someone really well mentally there is the small, insecure, little girl of a woman that steps forth internally – worried he won’t like her in person – and fusses about what to wear… should I wear make-up (I usually don’t)… should I wear a dress (It’s a nice place) or wear something I normally wear on a daily basis… how should I do my hair… what if I disappoint? What if he disappoints?
I need to remind myself to shake off the pressure of it. It’s no big deal. We have both been very transparent in our communication and haven’t scared each other off. Everything will be okay. I do feel there is something… (can’t quite put my finger on it) something he isn’t sharing yet… Some people wisely hold back a couple cards until the timing is right… maybe that’s it. I, on the other hand, fling everything out there – ready or not – “here I am in my authenticity” … which is not always the wisest thing to do. I don’t have a “dating façade”. Most people I think do. They have a “social façade” and a “dating façade” and maybe live their whole lives presenting versions of themselves to others. I know I do have a “business persona” I don for being professional in work related things. That’s my only real persona I use that I am aware of these days. I guess I used to have others… the PTA mom… the nice neighbor… the dutiful daughter… the compliant wife… I just have shed them. I prefer to show up as myself in most situations now… fuck anyone who doesn’t like it. A “dating façade” would offer a level of “protection” while getting to know someone, but is that dishonest? It feels like it would be. If someone is uncomfortable with authenticity and transparency, then maybe they are not for me… in any aspect of my life.
It takes courage to be who you are. I prefer to be around other people who can be courageous.
I need to line up some work… (still waiting for my regular business to pick up) I am also contemplating attempting to sell some of my writing. I have been published by various trade magazines for free. I have also had some of my writing published other places and not been paid for it. Maybe it’s okay to be paid for something I have a passion for? (If they will have me) I’ve also discovered the more I continue to confront things within me that still require healing, the more those shadows have light. Maybe the light can help others with their shadowy places? We all have things to heal or shed light on. It’s part of being human.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Daddy kink dynamics… I may be back later to share some thoughts and observations about that. I think clarity is always a good thing.
Okay… time to get my butt to the gym before I decide my bed really needs more of my attention. It was so glorious to be in it again and to sleep naked again (big inconvenience sharing a room with other people…). My bed is wonderful. I have a wonderfully indulgent mattress and I love it… with feather pillows and a feather comforter and high thread count sheets… it is a luxurious cocoon… I made the bed as soon as I got out of it today so it wouldn’t lure me back … quite as easily anyway (quit thinking about it Adrienne… go to the gym – it will be there later).