Clarity (or momentarily absofuckinglutely crazy)

Last night before going to sleep I set an intention. I wanted communication or guidance from my guides while I slept (I did request it with a “please” so as to not sound demanding – LOL). I slept very deeply for 11 hours… I don’t remember any dreams… or anything at all. But I woke up this morning with a realization… a “knowing” of something. It feels like a deep, unshakeable epiphany of understanding something. On other occasions I have “known” stuff – it has usually been correct, and I have learned to trust it.

(Here is where I may start to sound like a crazy person. ) I have a knowing that I am meant to be with someone. Someone specific. I met them in person 3/10/21 and had an on and off mostly physical relationship with them. I have not seen them since 10/4/21. Yet they continue to take up real estate in my heart and mind… there was an energetic “thing” with him… and it caused growth (as well as sadness, joy, and a plethora of other emotions). I realize I have woven him throughout my blog posts since we met. The first one here https://undomesticatedbitch.wordpress.com/2021/03/12/what-kind-of-dom-is-this/ about a dream the night after we met.

I realize this energetic connection is something I do not have control over. I have been trying to duplicate it with others, deny it, bury it, or break it – since the moment it happened… I have been sort of… or a version of … “lovesick” the entire time. (My gosh – I sound sooo dramatic and I am not a “dramatic” person). I realize almost every post has a mention of him in some way or thoughts of him wrapped in them somehow… this one is – well, downright “crazy” Willful submission – a little bit of everything… Then asking him to stay away because the feelings were not reciprocal, caused pain, art and poetry… and weird, vivid dreams… and heartbreak.

This has caused a lot of growth. I have cut energetic cords, but yet sometimes I still “feel” him. It is and has been very confusing. These weird dreams of him still happen sometimes. The last one (a couple weeks ago) I can’t even really put into appropriate words, but it conveyed a message of understanding… it became clear he had a fear I wouldn’t unconditionally love all aspects of him and that he hid parts of himself away behind various facades so people couldn’t see them. In the dream, my heart said how could I not love every part of you – you are safe with me (I know this sounds nuts… fully aware I sound like a crazy person).

So this “knowing”… Even though I don’t know his daily routine or thoughts, he has shared very little with me about his life, and I’ve never even seen where he lives – the energetic “thing” triggered me and bound me to him. It caused energetic waves you have to experience to understand – even as a writer, words cannot convey what it is. Waves of energy coursing through all my chakras – so powerful and intense. It caused growth. No matter how much I try to remove him from the corners of my being and forget him – I can’t. Deeply conflicted – a little bit of everything… This “energetic thing” can cause the most amazing orgasms with him… even when not touching a typically sexual place… it’s fucking crazy! I woke up knowing that even if he doesn’t feel the energetic connection, it exists. I won’t find it somewhere else. I am meant to be with him. (Side note – weird coincidence… he has the same name as my ex-husband, same sign, born and raised in the same geographical area and both spent time in Korea…. No other similarities that I can see – but this is weird right? What are the chances?)

So, I will go on about my normal life. Go to the gym, write, work… there is nothing else I can do – but I won’t fight the energetic connection – I will accept it. If he never wakes up to it, I will spend the rest of my life just doing my normal things alone… and that would be sad – but I would still be okay.

I see things everywhere over the last year that grab my attention… little synchronicities – unexplainable “things” – I seem to always look at the time when it is 1:11, 11:11, 2:22, or 4:44. I was driving the other day, looking for an exit, and I swear I saw a sign that had his name – first and last in 2 miles– then I looked again and realized it was a name but not his name, it just had the same beginning letters. (I was supposed to take exit 111 – by the way). There are a million quirky little things like that. Some would say it’s my subconscious playing out some sort of obsession or something – but it doesn’t feel like it… I was completely focused on someone else in that moment, but it was like the Universe was directing my attention back to where I belong. (Still aware of how crazy I sound….)

I woke up knowing the guy I’m kind of “seeing” now is meant to just be a good friend (Sorry if you are reading this before I have time to talk to you about it – and it doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t have sex… I haven’t had any in months…). Everything happens for a reason. Maybe we have something to learn from one another.

I will delete myself from the dating sites again – there is no point. I don’t need to in any way be out looking for someone – no one else is going to have this energetic thing with me. I have to leave him just hanging out in my peripheral vision until he… maybe, someday, wakes up to the connection. I need to surrender to it and let it just be whatever it is… no labels, no defining, just an unconditional energetic “love” type thing. Maybe we knew each other in a past life? I do not know… I just know I am connected to him – whether he is aware of it or not.

[Edit – a person with abandonment issues attaches to unavailable people… it’s part of the issue 🤦🏼‍♀️. Releasing this bullshit… leaving it here… although it’s embarrassing, in case someone else needs to see and acknowledge their issues too. I’m a dumbass sometimes.]