Clarity (or momentarily absofuckinglutely crazy)

Last night before going to sleep I set an intention. I wanted communication or guidance from my guides while I slept (I did request it with a “please” so as to not sound demanding – LOL). I slept very deeply for 11 hours… I don’t remember any dreams… or anything at all. But I woke up this morning with a realization… a “knowing” of something. It feels like a deep, unshakeable epiphany of understanding something. On other occasions I have “known” stuff – it has usually been correct, and I have learned to trust it.

(Here is where I may start to sound like a crazy person. ) I have a knowing that I am meant to be with someone. Someone specific. I met them in person 3/10/21 and had an on and off mostly physical relationship with them. I have not seen them since 10/4/21. Yet they continue to take up real estate in my heart and mind… there was an energetic “thing” with him… and it caused growth (as well as sadness, joy, and a plethora of other emotions). I realize I have woven him throughout my blog posts since we met. The first one here about a dream the night after we met.

I realize this energetic connection is something I do not have control over. I have been trying to duplicate it with others, deny it, bury it, or break it – since the moment it happened… I have been sort of… or a version of … “lovesick” the entire time. (My gosh – I sound sooo dramatic and I am not a “dramatic” person). I realize almost every post has a mention of him in some way or thoughts of him wrapped in them somehow… this one is – well, downright “crazy” Willful submission – a little bit of everything… Then asking him to stay away because the feelings were not reciprocal, caused pain, art and poetry… and weird, vivid dreams… and heartbreak.

This has caused a lot of growth. I have cut energetic cords, but yet sometimes I still “feel” him. It is and has been very confusing. These weird dreams of him still happen sometimes. The last one (a couple weeks ago) I can’t even really put into appropriate words, but it conveyed a message of understanding… it became clear he had a fear I wouldn’t unconditionally love all aspects of him and that he hid parts of himself away behind various facades so people couldn’t see them. In the dream, my heart said how could I not love every part of you – you are safe with me (I know this sounds nuts… fully aware I sound like a crazy person).

So this “knowing”… Even though I don’t know his daily routine or thoughts, he has shared very little with me about his life, and I’ve never even seen where he lives – the energetic “thing” triggered me and bound me to him. It caused energetic waves you have to experience to understand – even as a writer, words cannot convey what it is. Waves of energy coursing through all my chakras – so powerful and intense. It caused growth. No matter how much I try to remove him from the corners of my being and forget him – I can’t. Deeply conflicted – a little bit of everything… This “energetic thing” can cause the most amazing orgasms with him… even when not touching a typically sexual place… it’s fucking crazy! I woke up knowing that even if he doesn’t feel the energetic connection, it exists. I won’t find it somewhere else. I am meant to be with him. (Side note – weird coincidence… he has the same name as my ex-husband, same sign, born and raised in the same geographical area and both spent time in Korea…. No other similarities that I can see – but this is weird right? What are the chances?)

So, I will go on about my normal life. Go to the gym, write, work… there is nothing else I can do – but I won’t fight the energetic connection – I will accept it. If he never wakes up to it, I will spend the rest of my life just doing my normal things alone… and that would be sad – but I would still be okay.

I see things everywhere over the last year that grab my attention… little synchronicities – unexplainable “things” – I seem to always look at the time when it is 1:11, 11:11, 2:22, or 4:44. I was driving the other day, looking for an exit, and I swear I saw a sign that had his name – first and last in 2 miles– then I looked again and realized it was a name but not his name, it just had the same beginning letters. (I was supposed to take exit 111 – by the way). There are a million quirky little things like that. Some would say it’s my subconscious playing out some sort of obsession or something – but it doesn’t feel like it… I was completely focused on someone else in that moment, but it was like the Universe was directing my attention back to where I belong. (Still aware of how crazy I sound….)

I woke up knowing the guy I’m kind of “seeing” now is meant to just be a good friend (Sorry if you are reading this before I have time to talk to you about it – and it doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t have sex… I haven’t had any in months…). Everything happens for a reason. Maybe we have something to learn from one another.

I will delete myself from the dating sites again – there is no point. I don’t need to in any way be out looking for someone – no one else is going to have this energetic thing with me. I have to leave him just hanging out in my peripheral vision until he… maybe, someday, wakes up to the connection. I need to surrender to it and let it just be whatever it is… no labels, no defining, just an unconditional energetic “love” type thing. Maybe we knew each other in a past life? I do not know… I just know I am connected to him – whether he is aware of it or not.

[Edit – a person with abandonment issues attaches to unavailable people… it’s part of the issue 🤦🏼‍♀️. Releasing this bullshit… leaving it here… although it’s embarrassing, in case someone else needs to see and acknowledge their issues too. I’m a dumbass sometimes.]

Published by wayward yoga girl

A complex creation that chooses to be quite simple - LOL. I earnestly try to approach life with unconditional love and non-judgement... but I'm only human and perfectly imperfect :)

4 thoughts on “Clarity (or momentarily absofuckinglutely crazy)

  1. If you don’t mind my sharing, I have had two experiences in the last couple years. You’ve probably read about one of them. I dated a woman seriously for nearly a year, and when she was gone, it was so painful. But I can still feel a place in my hear where a part of her still lives. It’s crazy, but sometimes I talk to her. Then I was in a situationship that ended with someone 500 miles away. I can still feel the pull of her, like a magnet. She even liked one of my blog posts the other day after three months of no contact. She doesn’t live in my heart. She just tears at it. One has given me peace, and the other just keeps hurting. So, I get the energetic cord thing. I don’t think you are crazy. You still feel it. You know when they miss you. And the hard part is to keep walking.

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