Hi. My name is Wayward Yoga Girl.

I’ve been called out on something… so time to dive deep again. I keep thinking I’m done working on this, but here we go again. I guess becoming “healthy” or “healed” may be an on-going process… there are so many layers to the onion.

The issue again is abandonment. I ask myself “Why would I unconsciously or subconsciously try to put distance between myself and other people?” The answer… I think… is to put enough space that I won’t be surprised by another loss again. Abandonment, I read, leaves an “emotional blueprint on the brain”. Therefore, I need to constantly analyze what I’m doing and keep myself in check. Apparently, my subconscious will go to great lengths to try and keep me “safe”.

A few of the patterns resulting from abandonment are (per aconsciousrethink.com):

You Overanalyze Things – Your mind isn’t one to let anything slip by unnoticed. You see and hear everything and then set to work trying to figure out the hidden meaning in it all. There’s no such thing as a small comment or an insignificant act when you’re around. You’re capable of taking every little thing and assigning far more weight to it than it deserves.

You Pick Unavailable Partners – You pick partners who are either currently unavailable or wholly incompatible with you. This helps you avoid any situation that may result in emotional intimacy or require you to invest fully in a relationship. You know nothing serious will ever come of it, but that’s actually a relief to you.

You Sabotage Relationships At Every Opportunity – You fear abandonment and avoid ever reaching a point where your heart can be broken the way it has been in the past. It’s an unconscious defense mechanism designed to prevent emotional pain.

You Blame Yourself For Every Breakup – If you have genuine abandonment issues, chances are you aren’t very good at maintaining long term relationships. And with every one that comes to an end, you can’t help but shoulder all the responsibility and blame. You tell yourself you were never good enough for them – not physically, not intellectually, not emotionally. You’re convinced that it’s your fault things didn’t work out.

In an article about abandonment at emotionalaffair.org I read; “Fear of abandonment is in the heartbeat, voice, fight/flight/freeze, bonding and stress hormones, in your body sensations of closeness, vulnerability, giving and receiving, trust and fear. Your abandonment issues came to live inside you through natural, automatic, mostly unconscious and biological mechanics of learning through experience. Just as abandonment issues are learned from experience, we can learn from new experiences. We can use intention and imagination, inner guidance and higher truth to create what we learn. We can change what we “see” and how we respond. When these hidden significant patterns are repatterned, there is a spiral UP instead of down. Deep energy-reserves of awareness, understanding, forgiveness, confidence and calm emerge. How you see yourself, how you see life, and how you react changes. You come to know yourself as a person who can deal with anything and emerge wiser and stronger for it.” So, there is always hope for improvement. And I am a bit of a “self-cleaning oven” when it comes to healing. I am always analyzing and trying to improve.

Per the same article, “Abandonment is about loss of love itself, that crucial loss of connectedness. It often involves breakup, betrayal, aloneness. People struggling with abandonment issues include those going through the ending of a relationship as well as searching adoptees, recently widowed, and those suffering the woundedness of earlier disconnections. Left unresolved, abandonment wounds can express themselves unconsciously, causing the person to develop deeply entrenched patterns of self-sabotage. Abandonment represents core human fear. We have all experienced it. When a relationship ends, the feelings harken all the way back to our lost childhoods when we were helpless, and dependent. Our adult functioning temporarily collapses. We feel shattered, bewildered, condemned to loneliness. Abandonment is a cumulative wound containing all of the losses and disconnections stemming all the way back to childhood. Abandonment overlaps with bereavement in that they both involve loss. For the abandonment survivor, the loss is just as disruptive and painful as it is for any other type of grief. Closure is incomplete because the person has not died but has chosen not to be with you. Rejection, withdrawal-of-love, criticism, and desertion create a devastating personal injury – a narcissistic injury. ‘Being left’ cuts us all the way to the core. We lose not only our loved one, we lose our sense of self. We abandon ourselves.”

“Unresolved abandonment is the source of our insecurities, addictions, compulsions, and distress. Unresolved abandonment is the insidious virus invading body mind and soul – the culprit for the anxiety we are forever trying to self-medicate with food, alcohol, shopping, people and a host of other self-defeating behaviors. Unresolved abandonment is the roadblock to reaching our potential – the invisible wound that drains self-esteem from within – the hidden trap that keeps us stuck in patterns of self-sabotage. Unresolved abandonment is the chronic insecurity that becomes the scourge of human relationship. Unresolved abandonment is the internal barrier to fully connecting to others. Fear short-circuits our attempts to find love – we struggle to find and keep relationships.”

The article goes on to explain: “Why do we carry a torch for so long when someone has broken up with us? Someone who leaves you becomes very powerful to your emotional brain. He or she becomes powerful simply by being able to inflict so much pain by being absent! Being left is perceived by your mammalian brain as an attack upon your personal being. It etches an indelible impression in a primitive part of the brain that acts automatically to protect you. It conditions your mammalian brain to react with fear each time you encounter the person whose absence it perceives as dangerous to your well-being. If your caretaker had left you all alone as a young child, you wouldn’t have survived. Acting beneath your conscious awareness, your mammalian brain maintains a constant vigil on your abandoner. You experience this as being temporarily obsessed with the person. Your nerves are set to ‘go off’ if you should unexpectedly bump into them later on or see them with a new love. This makes you think they are very powerful indeed, that they, alone, hold the key to your wellbeing! This enduring emotional reactivity toward the person is known as ‘carrying a torch.’ You are confused into thinking that if the pain can last that long and feel so strong, he or she must have been very special. But this is not so. You can feel this way over anyone, even someone who had nothing special to offer. It is just your mammalian brain efficiently trying to warn you not to make the same mistake again, to caution you in its primitive way that this person is dangerous (caused pain). We become abandoholics. Abandoholics are those who are attracted to the unavailable and get caught up in cycles of abandonment.”

“Abandonment survivors are those who have experienced the anguish of love-loss and have the courage to go on believing in life and in their own capacity for love. This is a select group of survivors, but membership is not restricted to those who have achieved success in their relationships. On the contrary, its members are those who continue to struggle to remove obstacles in the way of finding love. There are many crushing feelings rising out of the unresolved abandonment wound that make it difficult for many to get to a place of trust and security within a relationship. The membership also includes those who become securely and happily coupled. But for all abandonment survivors, the impact of abandonments past or present, is evidenced by the fragments of unlived life, unreached potential, and unfulfilled dreams still waiting to be redeemed through abandonment recovery. Imagine a relationship where each person realizes their power to manage and evolve in their own inner process – where no one else is to blame for how they are acting or what they need.” (I had this healthy dynamic with my fiancé… but then he died and abandoned me anyway – LOL)

I choose to quit being an “abandoholic”. I choose to be a survivor.

Hi – My name is Wayward Yoga Girl… and I am an abandaholic. If you are available, I will leave you before you can leave me. I won’t ask you for help because I have to prove I don’t need anyone because they are going to abandon me anyway. If you are unavailable, I will attach to you and break my own heart because at my core I feel unworthy. I am recovering… breaking these patterns… be gentle with me.

Which brings me to the next thing I was called out on… over-independence. Extreme independence or hyper-independence is a trauma response. It is part of the abandonment issue… combined with some sort of shame in asking for help. We are built to be interdependent. There should be no shame in that. I guess my lizard brain doesn’t want to give a person another reason to leave me by “needing” something. Another little thing to consciously work on… while reminding myself if someone says “No” to the help I ask for, it doesn’t mean they are rejecting me or that I am not worthy. I will take baby steps. Baby steps by asking for help with little things while I get my footing.

Living in a conscious way sure is a lot of fucking work. But it IS what I have chosen – I refuse to be the person who goes around unaware of how they interact and the motivations behind what they are doing or not doing. I have to continue being a self-cleaning oven in that regard, and not let my inner little girl run the show. (Thanks JD, for the gentle kick in the ass)

Published by wayward yoga girl

A complex creation that chooses to be quite simple - LOL. I earnestly try to approach life with unconditional love and non-judgement... but I'm only human and perfectly imperfect :)

3 thoughts on “Hi. My name is Wayward Yoga Girl.

  1. “I am an abandaholic. If you are available, I will leave you before you can leave me. I won’t ask you for help because I have to prove I don’t need anyone because they are going to abandon me anyway. If you are unavailable, I will attach to you and break my own heart because at my core I feel unworthy. I am recovering… breaking these patterns… be gentle with me.”
    You know me well, sister.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: