Shaken, not stirred

Working out is boring. There I said it… Here are my thoughts in the gym yesterday.

The most boring part is the treadmill I always start with. There are about 20 TVs mounted to watch – but I just put my airpods in and listen to my music. I try to go when the gym is not busy. I don’t talk to anyone – except for an occasional “Please” or “Thank you” to the staff. I try to entertain myself by pushing all the buttons… adjusting the incline, the speed, etc. and I watch people. I make up stories in my mind about who they are and what they do… after all, who has time to be at the gym at 1pm on a Tuesday? I see some housewives… a few people I decide have night jobs… she looks like she works at a hospital, he looks like a bartender… a few elderly people… the guy on the stair stepper looks like he might be an exotic dancer (do we have those in the Seattle area?) …

Crap – two guys made eye contact with me… I do not want to talk to anyone… head down – look at my feet. First guy has a man bun. I know about “man bun” men. Probably poly, 420-friendly, vegan… Second guy has gold sneakers – like shiny, gold… I don’t understand those. He looks Latino… wonder what he does for work… probably boring and selfish in bed (he keeps looking at himself in the mirrors). Man bun guy keeps walking back and forth now… trying to get me to acknowledge him. Probably good in bed, but into talking about “feelings” and tantric workshops.

After the appropriate amount of time and distance on the treadmill, I move to weights. I like the weights. Thanks to the machines there are less people in your line of sight. I worked the legs, arms, and abs… In between sets, I continue to make up stories in my mind about the other people there working out.  I notice Latino guy is trying to make eye contact again… please leave me alone I think… the signs everywhere say this is a safe and judgement free zone… I don’t want to meet anyone or talk. Go away.

After working out, my “reward” is the whole-body wellness machine and the hydro massage table. The whole-body wellness machine is supposed to help your skin with red light therapy and the floor vibrates to reduce cellulite and help your muscle tone… I step into the big tube (kind of like a cocktail shaker) naked, for my 12-minute jiggle. I have no idea if it really does anything beneficial for the body, but it does seem relaxing. I always have an urge to dance in there – probably not recommended… but I’m naked in a tube listening to music, so why not? I think if you held yourself in a certain position, it could probably result in orgasm… but I wouldn’t… shouldn’t… I wonder if this is similar to the thing in the 50’s with the belt… doesn’t really do anything but people think they are accomplishing something…

Then I get dressed again and request the hydro-massage table. 10 minutes of water pressure running up and down your body (there is thick rubber between you and the water). I crank up the intensity to 10 and move the speed down to 1. I found out the other day when one of my daughters offered me a massage slot she had booked and wasn’t able to make, she booked a “light massage”. She said, “You’re okay with a light touch massage – right?” I asked her “Why would you waste the time and money on light touch?” I am a deep tissue girl… on the hydro-massage table, she is probably a 1 on intensity… it hadn’t occurred to me that my girls would be different in that regard. (Break me – I need to know you were there – LOL!)

I always say “Thank you” on my way out the door – I have no idea why… I wonder how I can turn this 2-hour endeavor into less time…