I am feeling melancholy today. There is no one reason… when I feel this way, I do stuff. I mowed the lawn (and the neighbor’s lawn too… didn’t want to make a line between our houses like some sort of selfish dick). I cooked… a lot. It’s what I do when I feel like I don’t have as much control over the world as I would like… I cook. I can control that. I can accomplish something.
I used to love the Spring. Fresh starts. New beginnings. Longer days. More daylight and sunlight. I still do… but now it also comes with other stuff. Mother’s Day I was alone – which is fine… I don’t mind being alone… I actually like it. My kids postponed our celebration of the day… which truly is okay – it’s just a day… I was alone Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s… I delivered groceries for Instacart on Easter. My mom has been gone a long time. She was killed on Memorial Day weekend in 1995. I came to terms with it and have been at peace with it – for a long time now. When I was married, I was often unhappy that holidays carried so much obligation – obligation to family gatherings with in-laws… the day was never my own back then. I never want my kids to feel obligation like that. I want them to be free to spend every holiday doing whatever makes them happiest.
Maybe I am melancholy because I spend too much time alone? Maybe it’s just May. May 15th was the day Robert and I met. We considered it our anniversary since we never left each other after that day… until he died of course. This will be the 5th anniversary without him. His birthday was May 23rd. He died June 26th, 2017. So maybe that is what’s bogging me down… These upcoming dates… combined with mom’s murder date.
Maybe shedding holidays and other “dates” is just more letting go of ego things. Part of the process of being a more evolved, more aware consciousness. Maybe it’s okay to not try to control anything external… or maybe I just think too much. I found myself watching for death beetles today. They were on the deck and a few in the kitchen the year Robert died. I did not mention them to him… I told myself they didn’t mean anything except maybe there was some rotten wood somewhere. I saw some the year Grandma died too – different house. She died May 15th, 2018. Now it’s May again, and I don’t want to see more beetles…
When my mom died, I knew she was dead before anyone called me. I felt a warm wind for no reason, that reminded me of Texas and made me think of my mom and I felt “watched” – I just didn’t know for sure it was her until an hour later, I got the call. She was 49 – she should have had a lot of time left… Robert was 47. A palm reader had told him he would live to be in his mid to late 80’s. He owed me 40 more years together. Grandma was 96. She left me a card – I found it after she died… she thanked me for taking care of her the last years of her life and said she was ready to go now that she knew I would be okay… I guess she was worried about me managing the loss of Robert. Mom died before – she died for a few minutes during my birth. She told me she saw the room from up at the ceiling in the corner of the room. She could see the doctor and the nurses start to panic and calling to her to stay with them and telling her to breathe… she said she went into the light… had a conversation and then came back. She said it wasn’t her time. She tried to kill herself 7 years later… she told me when I visited her in the hospital afterward, it didn’t work because it still wasn’t her time.
I pulled a tarot spread this morning… it was all good… it showed new beginnings, and someone coming forward with love… the end of old cycles – there was not a single negative thing in it. There is no reason to be melancholy… maybe it’s a habit for this time of year now… I want to go back to Spring feeling hopeful and magical again. Cooking does make me feel a little better… I even made pudding from scratch for my youngest… food is a love language for me.
As far as “new beginnings” and “someone coming forward with love” … well… I’m not sure exactly what to say about that… There is someone who likes me – maybe a lot… I’m waiting to see how that shakes out… not getting carried away. There is another man that really, really wants to have sex with me and says he has been waiting for someone like me his whole life (that seems a bit melodramatic) … so far, I keep turning him down… mostly because it would hurt the guy that really seems to like me. I almost feel like I can’t really truly commit to being with anyone right now… which is weird, because I have spent the last year trying to get into relationship. But I’ve made a lot of mistakes, so maybe I’m just going slow now. All I really know is I don’t want to hurt anyone.
People seem to be trying to change me lately too. I know they mean well, but right now I seem to be attracting lots of conversations about religion and politics. I don’t do formalized religion – nor do I want to. I don’t do politics… it makes me feel helpless. And I don’t follow sports… it seems boring to me… I would rather read about science. Right now, I’m reading about quantum entanglement (giving string theory a rest for a while).
Off to do some yoga now… trusting I will be my sunny self again soon.