Must be something about being born on July 22nd… right now my dog is reminding me a lot of myself (we were both born on that day). She is fucking relentless. Persistent as fuck… it’s like something clicked in her brain and she knows she needs to get control of her limbs again. Every hour she is up trying to walk (all day and all night… heavy sigh). I have had to babyproof everything – block the stairs with gates, cover sharp edges, move things that could be a potential problem… It is very clear now she is blind in one eye and even though two of her medications are supposed to make her sleepy, they don’t. She walks around the kitchen and family room in a big loop (or the bedroom depending on where in the house we are) – sometimes successfully and sometimes slipping, sliding, bumping into things and falling on her chin because her back left leg is the least cooperative and her left front leg is the second least cooperative. She will walk round and round until she is very tired then will plop into a dog bed or face plant somewhere and take a little nap – 10 minutes later she is up and on the move again. I’ve gradually been shifting medication times so that one day next week I will be able to have 7 hours of sleep in a row… right now she is like and infant – but worse. I had it timed to get 5 in a row last night, but that didn’t happen… because she must try to walk every hour, or I will be subjected to her screaming. I decided fuck it and left the crate open – she has been putting herself back in… so at 5am she decided she needed to knock all the things out of the bedroom shelves because she needed to… I don’t know – walk in and out of the cubbies? Eat the dried starfish stacked in one? The past 24 – 36 hours she has decided she needs to not only walk but walk fast… gosh she is fast – I have to really be on my toes now. The prescription dog food brand and type the vet prescribed cannot be found. I went to five pet supply places yesterday and also tried the manufacturer and on-line stores. I finally had to order a different brand and wait for that retailer to contact the vet for a new prescription – which of course is going to delay the food. My plan today is to go beg the vet to sell me a couple cans… or completely lose my shit and scream at him for the wild goose chase for something no one fucking has – which is not the way I prefer to operate but I am approaching complete exhaustion. Today is officially an entire week of very little sleep. I had to get all her meds refilled yesterday… fuck that was expensive. So far – all in – the dog has caused me to spend enough for a 7-10 vacation in Hawaii… which I was in no position to afford at this moment in time (and sadly at this moment, I would prefer the vacation).
A friend has been by twice, which has been really nice. It was nice for someone else to help with the dog a little and to talk about random shit. She has finally, successfully broken up with her guy. They have been together for 8 years – he is half her age… I was always supportive of whatever made them happy but couldn’t really see what they have in common other than love of sex. She told me she has been trying to end it for 18 months. He is finally letting go and moving out. She is tired of the age difference, lack of commonality in all things – conversation, plans for the future, careers and drive… she has been made to feel like she has an appendage she is responsible for and does not wish to have that “mothering” type role. She is ready for an equal again. I showed her the current options on Match and Tinder… she agrees with me it is fucking pathetic. I think she and I both look younger than we are (and feel younger than we are) – although due to the current lack of sleep situation, I am looking a little older today. She agrees the men that are age appropriate for us (most of them) look 10-20 years older than men in their 50’s and early 60’s should. Maybe some of them are lying about their age? She also wonders, just like I do, why so much facial hair? Just… why? We do not want to date Santa Claus or a Duck Dynasty character. Some she wanted to see their profile just because of the horrendous choice of profile picture… We played with tarot cards and talked about life choices… I appreciated her companionship. Some people in my life basically said, “I know you will figure this dog thing out” and disappeared not even offering companionship via the phone … most likely to reappear later – when they want something.
I did on a few occasions ask my daughter to please take the dog duty for a little while, so I could go to the gym. She also babysat so I could power wash. In the Pacific Northwest, we get this green slime… well it’s slimy when it’s wet… and slippery. This time of year, when the yellow pollen flies everywhere, it sticks to the green PNW slime and creates this brownish green coating on everything. If you don’t get it gone, next fall it will be even more slippery (and even harder to get rid of). Hours of power washing has been completed – still so much to do… for the most part, everything I need to do has been put on a back burner to deal with this dog issue. Something has to give. This can not be the “new normal” … it is not sustainable for so many reasons. I am holding onto faith this is just a speed bump toward wellness.
My daughter has been on me about something. If you know the MBTI personality types and their traits, I am an INFJ and I do have a thing where I shut people out of my life instantly if I feel betrayed. Turns out it’s not just me – but common with my personality type. It’s called the “INFJ door slam”. We don’t yell or throw a fit – we just ice the person out. They are dead to us… gone… poof. I door slammed my friend Kevin earlier this year and she won’t let it go. She liked the person that he is (I did too) but readers of my blog know I have abandonment issues. He abandoned me after making a promise, so I told him I didn’t want to talk to him, that I had counted on what he said and he let me down, and that I didn’t want to say things in anger that I did not mean because I felt abandoned. Which I thought was actually a reasonable, mature way to handle things (there are some people I have door slammed who I didn’t even communicate any of it to – they are just shut out… done… gone from my life). She is sad about the Kevin situation because she saw we were good friends and she felt he was a good influence in my life. I agree, but I won’t reopen the door without appropriate acknowledgement and apology from him. I used to be the person who gave endless chances for decades, always assuming the person would show up the way I needed them to if given another chance… I’m just not that person anymore, I guess.
While driving around trying to find dog food yesterday, with the dog safely tucked into her crate snoring (also just like a baby apparently car rides make her sleep – too bad I can’t sleep while driving…) I realized I pay attention to cars. You should while you are driving but what I mean is I associate certain cars with certain people. Maybe all people do this? White Range Rovers make me think of the ex-con drug smuggler I met last year… what was his name? Dave? Horrible looking lemon-lime neonish Subarus remind me of Mr. 4 ½ weeks crazy psycho narcissist guy – Randy. I probably do this more when I’m over-tired. I had so many thoughts about why people choose the vehicles they do… and what it all means. I won’t share because it sounds very judgmental and not based on anything “real”. Which brings me back to the dating sites with my friend Sandy… some guys show pictures of themselves standing next to their vehicle. If it isn’t a classic, a collectable, or something special that indicates a passion or hobby… then why? Gee… you have a Ford… it’s what I’ve always wanted to ride to McDonald’s in – you are my dream date. Or a picture of their motorcycle. Gee… I’ve always wanted to risk my life with a guy traveling down the freeway on the back of his crotch rocket while his grey Santa beard flies back to smack me in the face… yeah – sign me up. Or one of the million guys who shows his truck with a camper thing on it positioned next to a tent in the woods… sure let me sign up for no showers or toilets to be on the hard ground with you and cook your fish you caught on an open campfire while you listen to sports before we hike and kayak – Go Hawks… No fucking thank you. You can find me somewhere clean, preferably with room service, reading a book or on my laptop. Not that I don’t hike or appreciate nature – I just become “one” with it differently. You really want to impress me? Drive a Bentley or a Rolls and don’t brag about it or act like it is anything special – just own it because you like it. Or for that matter just drive what is practical for your life and don’t post pictures about shit that doesn’t matter.
I need a shower and 8 continuous hours of uninterrupted sleep. Maybe later… Piper is on the move again. I should change her name to Tri-pod Langmore (tiny little girl with only three semi-functioning legs, from a trailer home, with bad breeding and fierce unstoppable determination).