I’m defective

A few days ago, I started having stabbing, zinging pain in my left leg and hip… then some in my left elbow too. For a minute I had to think about if I was picking up my dog’s issues and feeling her since she is having neurological issues on her left side. As an empath, it is not uncommon for me to feel something someone else is feeling – but I have not done that with a dog. Then the other symptoms hit, and I was reminded I have fibromyalgia. Sometimes I can go quite a long time with no symptoms. My last flare-up was about six months ago… this feels too quick for another one. The weird thing about this condition is it isn’t always the same. Sometimes you are exhausted, and your body hurts but you can’t sleep. Other times all you can seem to do is sleep. Just taking a shower is exhausting and requires a nap afterward… you just physically can’t keep your eyes open… you must sleep. Sometimes your brain wants to do things, but your body doesn’t cooperate. Other times your brain gets uncooperative also and you can’t remember basic words when you are trying to have a conversation, so you have to improvise (hummingbird becomes fast moving midget bird I can’t remember the name of). I do not focus on the fact I have this condition. What you focus on expands…

It first started showing signs in my teens but got a little scary in my 20’s when I started having trouble walking suddenly. Every flare-up, I try to minimize its severity and duration and when it’s over, I move on and forget about it. Yesterday was a “can’t keep my eyes open” day. A trip from the bed to the bathroom felt like a 10 mile hike. Medicate the dog, fall asleep. Eat something, fall asleep. Check email, fall asleep. Feed and potty the dog – go back to sleep. This morning after sleeping 8 hours I fed and medicated the dog and went back to sleep for 4 more. I only woke up because my phone alarm told me it was time to medicate the dog again. This is actually easier to deal with (although equally frustrating) as flare-ups that cause a lot of pain and exhaustion without the ability to sleep. On those times the pain is inside my bones and gnawing and if my hips are affected, it’s hard to walk. I slept through the Banksy art show tickets going on sale, now they are sold out (heavy sigh).

Over the years I have been tested for Lupus, MS, and other random things I can’t think of the name of… I am told there is “no cure”. There are medications I can take – so far I have declined to take any. That may change as I get older, I think now… I just don’t want to take medications if I can find lifestyle changes to keep it mostly under control. Stress is a huge trigger. Yoga, meditation, the removal of toxic people and narcissists from my life, eating well… that all helps. Maybe the issues with my dog gave me more stress than I thought. Combined with other stresses…

All I know for sure is if more men had this condition, there would be a cure already. Last year, a man I dated for a minute was very alarmed and angry that I didn’t disclose this condition up front. I had mentioned something about a fibro flare-up and he freaked. I was surprised… I hadn’t asked for his complete medical history… I am an independent woman – my issues have nothing to do with anyone else really. When I was married, I did what had to be done… I pushed through… granted, it sometimes involved drinking coffee all day long like an IV drip and sometimes I had to go down the stairs in a hurry on my butt instead of walking down them, but I got shit done. I got the kids off to school, I made lunches, I made my husband breakfast, did the laundry, cleaned the house, ran my business, made the money… and still ironed his shirts and his dinner was always on time. I learned quickly my husband would not pick up the slack or take care of stuff for me. When I was with Robert it was a different story… he was understanding and supportive and would often pick up the slack for what I couldn’t do at that moment – it took me years not to feel guilty when he did. He would just get into bed with me and say “Sleep baby love. I will put on a movie”, and he would rub my back while I slept. Or he would make me a bath and bring me a snack to eat while I soaked in Epsom salts… I learned to accept his love and allow him to take care of me a little. But now I’m thinking in the midst of this flare-up, maybe it is a defect that needs to be disclosed. Maybe no one wants someone with unpredictable flare-ups of a condition that has no cure and some people still think is psychosomatic and not real.  I’m still me… even if I’m sleepy or in pain… but maybe it’s too much. Maybe it makes me unlovable?

It’s okay. I take care of myself. I am lovable to myself… and my kids… people that matter. I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning… going to make myself chilaquiles.