Day off… kind of

I took today off unexpectedly… I had not planned to – it just worked out. It has turned out to be quite a dilemma. I’m tired… I should sleep – but I hate to waste the time. I had all kinds of imaginary plans for my day off… the whole day was at my disposal…

I started out by thinking I would go to the gym, but first real quick I would learn google docs and OneNote and put some documents for collaboration in them and then figure out how to combine databases. Then my business partner called and told me to “stop working” and take the day off I had decided to take… by then it was noon… I made a sandwich. I looked for new housing alternatives… thought again about going to the gym… contemplated mowing the grass… played with tarot cards… listened to a couple of youtube things… tried to find something to watch on tv… got the bright idea I should go to the naked lady spa and get a massage – but found they are closed today… thought about cleaning the house… riding my bike… going shopping…

I thought about texting a guy I know for sex – I could really use some – but then changed my mind because it seemed like I would be using him and I’m behind on personal grooming (sorry for the TMI) besides I haven’t even texted him since March – he may be in a different situation plus I’m not in the mood for conversation of any kind… plus interacting with him is complicated – he is a different kind of guy for sure – INTJ, horrible at communication, not very fun because he takes everything seriously and tends to be very rigid in thought so nothing just flows effortlessly (which means extra work for me) – besides he’s probably golfing with his best friend… so here I sit – with a day off but can’t figure out what to do.

I swear I have hundreds of channels – plus “on demand” at my disposal and there is nothing on… I also have Netflix, Amazon, Hulu and others – but not one thing looks interesting! I have a stack of books waiting to be read… but feel antsy. I tried napping but couldn’t fall asleep.

Now I feel frustrated because I’m wasting my day off! If I had planned it I could have scheduled a massage… and a playdate for sex…Ugh! If I had a partner this wouldn’t be a problem… I should rearrange my closet… I should write something meaningful but don’t feel inspired… I could go to the beach (but why). A day off is supposed to be relaxing – not stress inducing!

The last day off I had was my birthday and was planned by my kids… I just did as I was told… why is this so hard? You would think it would be easy.

Fuck it. I’m going to work.