Thoughts on a Tuesday

The last couple weeks people in my outer perimeter seem to be dying.

It started with my nephew’s best friend, whom I had just seen a few weeks ago at my nephew’s “Congrats on being drafted by the Astros” party, dying in a motorcycle accident. He was only 22. It’s really sad. Then a friend lost a parent… (I’ve lost all mine and know it feels extra strange… a parent always feels like an important touchstone or last ditch savior). It sucks to feel like an orphan – even if you are “old” (ish). Today my ex-husband’s cousin’s husband died (I know that sounds far removed, but he was family and I saw him regularly… really nice guy). He was only 62. Dean – the ex’s cousin’s husband, had just reached a point in life where he was really happy… he had recently repaired a strained relationship with his two older children from a previous marriage, had finally achieved some business things that were really important to him, gotten to a new level of happiness in his marriage, and he and his wife were making plans to travel and have fun for a change… all gone in a instant. I suspect a heart attack – but don’t know. He woke up this morning having trouble breathing (had not been sick – had been feeling fine), his wife called 911, he died while the paramedics were there. To top it off, last week one of my brothers-in-law had a mini stroke (he is 69). One of my business partner’s friends also tried to commit suicide… he is in ICU. I guess he is just unhappy with how his life has played out… don’t know if he will make it – he aspirated.

Life is fragile. And short… really… Having lost many people in my life (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, lovers, sister-in-law, ex-husband, fiancé…), I am not a stranger to death. Or grief. But… it seems the Universe is reminding me (very loudly) that we never know how long we have… we have to do the things we really want to do… you can’t wait… It also reminds me I really should not spend so much time working (she says after another 14 hour work day) …

How many people wait to travel and have fun after they “retire”? How many still have the vim and vigor to really enjoy it at that point in life? How many people hold back in expressing their love and admiration for things in life… and more importantly, people in their life, until it’s too late? Tell someone you love them. Tell someone they did a good job… that you are proud of them… or appreciate them…

I am one of the weirdos who looks people in the eye and tells them how wonderful they are and that I love them. Most people are not that kind of person. How many regret not expressing themselves before it’s too late? I vow to continue to be someone who never holds back… I’m also going to continue to try and get all the joy out of this journey I possible can before it’s over…

I hope Dean’s funeral is before I leave for my trip… Where I will see all the things… eat all the foods… go all the places… meet all the new people… and soak up all those countries have to share with me while I’m there… I’m ready… should have started going on these types of adventures 30 years ago.