It’s been a weird week… something feels a little off in the energy. Like the energy of everything this week. I can’t really put my finger on it… it feels like everything is in a transition of one kind or another. The energy is electric and heavy at the same time. The air is polluted from all the forest fires all over the state. It’s been that way for so long now, haze is beginning to feel “normal”. What would normally be considered bad air quality is now called “moderate”, which is just confusing.
I feel a little guilty that I’m not at a shelter helping the non-profit shelter, feed and support people displaced. I didn’t even hop on a plane to help with the hurricane relief efforts in Florida… but that’s okay, I think. I don’t need to put everyone else in the world first… right? They got four years from me… more than 6,000 hours of volunteer time… it’s okay to not do it.
The weather has been so weird it’s hard to get dressed. It’s cold in the morning, hot during the day, then cold again in late afternoon. It just makes the simple act of putting on clothes hard… pants? dress? sweater, coat? I don’t remember other Autumns creating such conundrums. I just keep bringing more things out to the car (and forgetting to bring them back in) … extra shoes, sweaters, coats… pretty soon I may have to go out there to get dressed.
My interactions with people have been strange (I think because of the weird energy). I met a client to list his property. It should have been a 20-minute thing. Instead, we talked about really random stuff for 2 ½ hours. Like weird stuff you don’t talk about with someone who isn’t a “friend” – as we walked around the yard, he told me “It’s kind of weird I never got married and had kids. Instead, I have all these properties.” He talked about work ethic, parents, childhood… I now know more about his childhood than one thought possible… (In the back of my head I kept thinking – this feels kind of like a date…). I don’t date clients. The last time I sold a property for him, all our conversation was brief and strictly business. Why the random sharing? He even said at one point, “I never talk with anyone about these things. I don’t know why I’m telling you about them.” When leaving, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to hug him goodbye or what… I just awkwardly said it had been “nice visiting” and “talk to you soon”. It was just a little “off”.
The next day I went to a conference at an office where I used to work. When I was there, I had a team and was a “top producer”. I got divorced and it got weird – my husband had been on my team, so I moved and started over in a new place. Now coming back a decade or so later, there were many new faces and many that looked familiar, but I couldn’t remember their names… they remembered me though and knew my name and were so… what’s the word I’m looking for… they made me feel like I was kind of like a celebrity in a way. THAT is such a weird feeling… like people know more about you than you do them and you feel bad because you don’t know even their name. One lady (still can’t think of her name… maybe Theresa something… God I am a horrible person sometimes) said I had inspired her to keep going in the business and I had really helped her with advice (I do not even recall what I may have said – undoubtedly something stupid and overly optimistic). She said, “You are a legend”. All I could say was “We all have moments in the sun. Now I’m more of a cautionary tale (followed by a shrug and a laugh). Nice to see you and I’m so glad you are doing well.” Another person, whose name I unfortunately do remember, is still trying to be a player. He grinned at me, called me “Darlin’” and put his hands on my waist. That felt out of line… do not touch me… I backed up and asked him how his girlfriend was (he always has one) while still being polite and saying the obligatory “Nice to see you again” (Please don’t make me lie to you… just go away).
Then, I bumped into someone there who I used to be “friendly” with. She and her husband had big parties at their house often, and all of the group of “friends” would drink too much and end up with a bonfire in their back yard (it was acreage). We had so many shared times of stupid stuff – drinking on a summer night and shooting cans, riding ATVs around the property with our home-made obstacle courses (until there was a flipped ATV one day and a trip to Harbor View). She was always a bat shit crazy woman… she was nice one minute and a raving bitch the next – imagining insults that never happened, spreading gossip and backstabbing at every opportunity… like nothing I had ever seen. She emptied the house one day when her husband was away on business and left him. They got divorced. The parties continued without her… we were there to pick up the pieces for him… and bring him furniture and towels and tell him it would all be okay – he was better off without her, etc. – Until my own marriage imploded and I moved away. She is not to be trusted…ever. When I saw her, I hoped she wouldn’t recognize me or that she would pretend not to see me. That… did not happen. She is still a beautiful blonde skeleton. Tall, size zero, with fake boobs. We chatted briefly, she made passive aggressive comments like how “she can’t believe I’m still single with all my cute shortness and curves” – she knows someone (No Thank You). I’m quite certain she called her bestie later to say how sad it is that I don’t have the preferred body type… I should just work harder at it. Stop consuming food so I could be anorexic too and wear heels instead of flats. I didn’t bother to tell her I was in a great relationship for years – he just died one day is why we aren’t together. I didn’t bother to tell her all the ways my life has changed and I have changed. I didn’t bother to tell her I see her for who she really is. I didn’t bother to tell her she is shallow and plastic and untrustworthy… and focused on superficial stuff that doesn’t matter. She suggested we get together… I just said “Of course” and smiled, while thinking not on any fucking day… let’s just take that crazy idea and sweep it right under this rug right here… nothing to see. Normally I would be a more honest and straight-forward person, but you can’t be that way around her and survive. She said “You and your daughters always reminded me of the Kardashians. You guys are so awesome.” (What?? What the actual fuck? I have no words for that.) I have not seen her in a dozen years – why, why, why would I bump into her now? I guess I should just be thankful I have grown so much I can’t be sucked in by her… she can be really charming and make you feel like you are a real friend if you don’t see behind the mask. She has very shitty energy… made me want a shower.
One weird, random interaction after another… a checker at the grocery store stopped ringing up my groceries and told me she wanted to quit her job. I asked her if she was having a bad day, or it just didn’t bring her joy. She asked me if I thought she should quit. I said, “You seem to do your job well enough, but if it doesn’t bring you joy, then maybe?” (shrugging) She finished ringing me up and thanked me for talking to her. It left me feeling odd. Please don’t make a stranger responsible for your decisions…
My business partner shared he is always afraid to know his numbers – which caused him to get red cheeks and giggle in embarrassment. That is probably the most honest thing he has said in years. It is mind blowing – for a lot of reasons but mainly because this guy has so much ego he never admits to being intimidated by or afraid of anything… also – more importantly, how can you be in business and not know your numbers? He has always acted like he knew the numbers… I know his numbers… let me introduce you to your profit and loss statement sir. Spreadsheets make his eyes gloss over and he can’t absorb the information. I will have to make a bulleted summary for him. Heavy sigh. We also had to have another “font conversation” … he wants all paperwork in Times New Roman 12… I’m still a Calibri girl. This is a silly little wrinkle, but neither of us wants to concede… There could be worse impasses I suppose.
Those are just a few examples of the weird week. I’ve even received texts from multiple people that I have no idea who they are but they want to connect with me… Did I delete these people? Did I ever meet them? What the hell? Why? There have been break-ups between people, an accidental medication incident (not with me), a racoon pooping on the porch, really loud birds squawking at me… it seems like the world is a little bit on tilt. Everything is so energetically off, it’s just confusing. Can’t get dressed, can’t have “normal” conversations, even the animals are being weird.