Christmas was nice… I slept in. I did spend time on the phone with a friend who was feeling down. She is sick and was alone on a holiday and laying on the couch crying. Of course, there was no way I could ignore that… after talking for an hour, she felt better. We can get stuck in our own head sometimes. It happens to everyone, I think. That made me late to my daughter’s house – but that’s okay. My adult children and their significant others and I ate too much, laughed too much and laid around watching movies. It was lovely. I did have to tell my buyers they did not get the house we made an offer on a couple days ago – that’s shitty news to have to deliver on Christmas.
One thing my friend was sad about was a past relationship. She ended it for many reasons, but they did connect and have sex recently. The sex was so good she was feeling conflicted about having ended the relationship. I understand this… I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever received about relationships (says the single person… but I still know it’s great advice and works – LOL) is to be very clear about what is important to you… Make a list of what you want in a relationship or lover, then be that person. Not that you aren’t being yourself, but just be sure to be the qualities you want. Energetically, it helps to find the connection of those qualities in others. For instance, honesty – I can’t expect that in my partner if I am not that way myself and dishonest people are not an energetic match to me. I also know a great relationship requires more than just great sex… although that is a key component for me.
I spoke with someone a few days ago who thinks they may want to connect with me again… that made me think about the submission dynamic in the D/s relationship. He does have the power to make my mind go to that soft submissive state… what is it about that? Just one little thing he said sent me into a floaty sub-space for most of the day. For me, it’s not really the act of “doing” submissive things, it’s about the feeling of “containment”. It’s a feeling of safety. It’s trusting someone enough to relinquish control – knowing they know what’s best for you in that moment… knowing what you want and need. It makes me feel safe, protected and valued. (Unless part of the domination involves name calling – that does not make me feel “valued”.) A good dominant has quiet strength, compassion and kindness yet has a sternness and strength. Some “doms” are confused about how to be a good dominant… a good one for me anyway… they think it means being a controlling dickhead. The issue I will have to really ponder here is can I deal with his poly lifestyle. Can I really share when I feel I deserve all of someone? I have done it in the past, but I am not the same as I was…
I received Christmas wishes texts from three people while I was watching movies with the girls. The first from Mr. Fishkisser – I must deal with that this week. I need to be honest with him in a kind way and let him know there is no future between us, and he needs to move on. The second was from the drive-by fuck buddy whom I have not heard from for a month. I told him last month I don’t want a sex only connection with someone – I want the real deal… a real relationship. I had sex with him anyway… because I wanted to but then didn’t hear from him. So, I took that to mean he heard me and wasn’t going to try to build something deeper. We seem to have a hard time having a conversation that isn’t sex related. I’m not sure how to fix it. I see he is soft inside… real… I like him as a person when I see that realness and softness. My response to his text was probably kind of rude, even though I was happy to hear from him since I was disappointed by his lack of communication in the last month… but I had not tried to communicate either. I was concerned if I did it would encourage the continuation of a sex only relationship – which I had been good with for a while, but really, I long for deepness and something real to pour my time and attention into. The third text was from who I used to lovingly refer to as “hotel boy”. The fact he reached out made me happy, but the conversation failed to progress… as always… “failure to launch” into anything… which will make me sad if I focus on it. For reasons I have shared far too many times.
I have a busy week this week. Most of it in preparation for the new year beginning.
2023. I am looking forward to it. It feels like it will be a wonderful year… a completely new cycle. I’m letting go of any disappointments of 2022. I’m ready to thrive again. Good stuff is coming 😊