Trying to shake the disappointment…

I’m suffering from disappointment. Let’s dive in and talk it through… so I can feel better – LOL.

New Year’s came and went. I did not get a New Year’s greeting from some people… (says the pouty child within). Hotel Boy did wish me a Merry Christmas, but New Year’s was silence. I have carried a torch for this powerful connection for approaching two years now. I need to let it go once and for all. Perhaps I am the only one who felt the power of it… He even inspired the name of this blog “A little bit of everything”, by introducing me to that song. Honestly, I still think of him multiple times every day… at least it’s not multiple times an hour anymore. I did wish the drive-by FB a Happy New Year and a happy day on the golf course. I had seen him a couple days previously… he did not respond. I had hoped we had turned a corner and would be able to have a more communicative relationship… but no… that is not happening. Letting him go now. The poly guy/friend (with no blog nickname) who wanted to connect again has been silent. He had indicated he wanted me to reach out more. I did between Thanksgiving and the days following Christmas… I realize he does not have the time for anything genuine. I don’t want calls while he waits for his breakfast or while he is driving to the DOL and nothing else… like I am wedged in as an afterthought. He did not wish me a happy New Year. Letting him go now. I had told myself if these people did not reach out for the beginning of the new cycle, that indicates they don’t belong in the new cycle for me. Funny thing is these are the first three people I met when I started trying to date in 2021. I have interacted with so many people – on-line and in person… not sure why these three stuck more with me than the any of the others. But I refuse to be treated like low hanging fruit… I am not… I’d rather be alone than settle for being someone’s “possible option” rather than the only option that makes sense.

I did try to release the Fishkisser. He won’t really go away. If I don’t want to be romantic with him (which I don’t), he still wants to be in my life. That’s fine… he has depth. It’s a shame I don’t have a spark or chemistry for more.

Another disappointment, a couple I have been working hard for has decided to hold off and not get a house now. I devoted so much time to them… it’s the way the business goes sometimes… but very disappointing because I needed the sale. I always need the sale, but this one was going to help pay the bills for a couple months and give me a sense of security and inner calmness.

I’ve been working on my vision for the future. Instead of a vision board, it’s a vision book. That makes me feel a little better for blocks of time.

It’s too rainy to ride my bike. I pay for a gym membership but haven’t had the time combined with inspiration to go… I’ve been house and dog sitting for one of my adult daughters for 10 days, so I feel like I can’t do yoga – the carpet smells like her horse sized dog…I just can’t. I did get a guitar and am teaching myself to play. That is harder than it looks but I am enjoying making sounds. I have learned a “riff” and am still trying to learn chords. My nails are now short but may have to get even shorter to be able to play properly.

Another thought on my mind… why do people have a hard time admitting they were wrong about something. I admit it all the time… I am wrong often. When I am, I own it. It’s no big deal. I’m learning and evolving all the time. Some people seem to be so averse to admitting when they are wrong, they’d rather do anything than admit it… they shift blame, shift perspective, ignore it… what is the big deal? It’s not a reflection of “who you are” if you are wrong about something. It’s more a reflection of who you are if you don’t take responsibility.

So why I am I wallowing in disappointment? Maybe it’s the gloomy weather combined with my plans not moving as fast as I would like? Maybe it’s the lack of meaningful connections in my life since Robert died? Maybe I just need some good sex? I’ve dragged you down here with me and I’ve got nothing… no real answers. I’m considering deleting my blog. I marked it private for a week… maybe I just don’t need to be here? (I’m not suicidal if that’s how you interpreted that – I’m not depressed… just carrying disappointment right now). Maybe I have no things of value to reflect and blog about? Maybe I’m just a mediocre woman, living a mediocre life, trudging through a bunch of nothing… disappointed with how things are going.

Okay… time to find some inspiration. I think I will go cook some things. Listen to Alan Watts or Ram Das while I cook. Then curl up in front of the fire and read a book. Maybe I will brave the carpet and do some yoga… that always balances me. I hope your first week of the new year has been less disappointing than mine. Namaste.